Man United have been absolutely decimated by injuries (on top of their poor form). Just look at this list, which doesn’t even include David De Gea, who hurt himself during warmups ahead of Man United’s Europa League match against Midtjylland (which Midtjylland — this Midtjylland — won 2-1).
This season is the first under Man United’s record kit deal with Adidas. It’s also their worst in the Premier League era. Louis van Gaal’s tactics have sucked the joy out of the team’s play and goals scarce that one of the most popular chants at Old Trafford this season has been “We’re Man United, we want to attack!”
When David Moyes was run out of Manchester United before even completing one full season, it seemed the club had weathered the worst of their post-Alex Ferguson troubles. Louis van Gaal replaced caretaker Ryan Giggs the following season and got Man United back to their usual place in the Champions League.
Jose Mourinho hasn’t joined Manchester United yet, but stories are already being written about him shipping out Juan Mata, as he did at Chelsea in 2014. This is deeply troubling for the Spanish midfielder, so he has turned to the heavens for assistance in this dark time. This is his prayer.
Manchester United beat Derby County 3-1 in the FA Cup, giving manager Louis van Gaal another temporary reprieve from being hounded about his job security.
In his post-match press conference, he revealed that Man United CEO Ed Woodward buys him expensive bottles of wine after big wins.
After a year in captivity with limited contact to the outside world, former Barcelona goalkeeper Victor Valdes appears to have been released from whatever dungeon Manchester United have kept him in.
Valdes posted a message on his Instagram account thanking his fans for supporting him through this dark period of his life. The 34-year-old goalkeeper was first lured to the club with the promise of a chance to rehab his injured knee. He was then signed to a contract and dumped into their U-21 squad. He was able to escape to the first team twice, but was caught and banished back to his cell both times.
Last July, Valdes went on the football version of a hunger strike by refusing to play in a reserve match. As punishment, he wasn’t given a squad number, effectively making him disappear, despite being named to Man United’s Premier League squad presumably so no one would ask questions as to his whereabouts. He was also not invited to the club’s UNICEF charity dinner in November, proving the extreme lengths to his inhume treatment.
Valdes is now expected to join Belgian club Standard Liege, where he will attempt to reacclimate himself to footballing society.
After scoring just two goals in the first five months of the Premier League season — prompting rampant speculation that the clock had struck midnight on his career and turned him into a pumpkin — Wayne Rooney has now scored four goals in his first three league matches of the new year (and five in four overall).
Though many will say this is proof of his resurgence, it’s actually just evidence of a new strategy that is proving effective for him.
The intense scrutiny and heavy criticism that has come with his time at Manchester United has taken its toll on Louis van Gaal and reduced him to calling all of his players “Michael.” First there was “Michael” Smalling (a mistake he first made last July with Smalling right next to him, then again in November), now there’s “Michael” Keane.
Van Gaal went on to admit that Michael is somehow an “easy name” for him. And that he has also now given Chris Smalling the nickname “Pele.”
At this point, it seems cruel to make fun of him. Clearly the man needs help. Michael “Maradona” Woodward needs to put him out of his misery and sack him before this goes any further.
Everyone not named Louis van Gaal is unhappy with Manchester United’s style of play and that includes Adidas, who began a record £750 million deal this season to be the club’s kitmaker. They’ve got absolutely no problem with the sweet, sweet cash they’re generating together, though.
Manchester United and Chelsea, two clubs with uncertain managerial situations that both exist under the shadow of Jose Mourinho, played a miserable scoreless draw to end the calendar year. Thankfully, the match came to a merciful end that allowed all interested parties to move on with their lives and pursue more fulfilling endeavors. But since we have a masochistic streak here at Dirty Tackle, we feel compelled to ask, “What if it continued?”
