Louis van Gaal hasn’t been sacked yet, but that hasn’t stopped the unofficial scarf vendors outside Old Trafford from peddling a new Jose Mourinho/Manchester United (or “UNTED” as the scarf above reads) offering ahead of Chelsea’s visit.
Surely Man United CEO Ed Woodward is kicking himself for not getting this product in the club shop before the knockoffs hit the street.
Let’s just hope Juan Mata doesn’t see these.
Louis van Gaal left his press conference ahead of Manchester United’s Boxing Day match against Stoke City in a huff less than five minutes after sitting down to field questions. He opened by asking if any members of the press wanted to apologize to him after days of intensified speculation that he will be sacked any second now.
Patients from Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital paid a special visit to the home of struggling Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal to spread some much needed holiday cheer. The children were delighted to help raise the spirits of someone less fortunate than them during Christmas period.
Between getting dumped from the Champions League to the Europa League and losing to Bournemouth, Louis van Gaal warned Manchester United fans that it was time to recalibrate their expectations and that the club’s days of dominating the Premier League are over.
From the Guardian:
“They say a club like Manchester United has to win,” the manager said. “That’s the past. You have to analyse the club now. Now we have much more clubs who have money … also the structure and are able to win something.”
So what exactly should Man United supporters expect? Here are some examples that should help keep them from being disappointed:
-Losing to newly promoted clubs that would spontaneously combust if they even looked at Man United’s wage bill.
-Settling into a continental competition that features the likes of the club that finished seventh in the Swiss Super League last season.
-A healthy assortment of sideways passes mixed in with the usual backpasses.
-Crying an average of one to two times per week.
-An endless string of managers who are not Sir Alex Ferguson.
-Consistently losing to lower division clubs in the Capital One Cup.
-Twinges of regret over the treatment of David Moyes.
-Wayne Rooney playing like he chugged a gallon of milk just before kickoff.
-Being linked to the likes of Neymar, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Gareth Bale but signing the crippled ghost of Bastian Schweinsteiger.
-Watching Chicharito gleefully score goal after goal for someone else.
-A strong urge to devote Saturdays to new hobbies and interests, like sitting alone in a dark room.
-Feeling that a once strong sense of superiority is nothing but a distant memory.
-Being able to relate to supporters of every other club in the world.
Flush with confidence after their late winner against Chelsea last week, Bournemouth took an early lead against Man United in daring fashion. Junior Stanislas shamed David De Gea by scoring an olimpico in just the second minute of the game, adding one more laugh at Man United’s expense this week after their elimination from the Champions League.
Marouane Fellaini went on to equalize for Man United in the 24th minute, but he didn’t do it with a corner kick, so it really should have counted for less.
Bournemouth went on to win 2-1 (though it very easily could’ve been even more) with the deciding goal being scored by Josh King, a discarded product of Man United’s youth academy. Clearly the universe is still getting even for the unholy reign of Sir Alex Ferguson.
Manchester United silenced the critics who have accused them of playing boring and overly defensive football this season with a thrilling Champions League group stage finale against Wolfsburg.
The stage was set for Jamie Vardy to make history in style. After scoring in 10 consecutive Premier League games, matching Ruud van Nistelrooy’s record, Vardy’s first-place Leicester City (which is a true fact in real life) happened to go up against Van Nistelrooy’s old club, second-place Man United.
See the nothingness? The uncaring empty void? Look at it. It doesn’t move. It just sits there. A goalless existence that cares not for your enjoyment or anything else.
Keep looking at it. Has it moved yet? Of course it hasn’t. At this point, you know it won’t. You have resigned yourself to the hopelessness of knowing that this is all there will be. And yet you keep watching it.
Staring into the darkness for so long has now warped your mind. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re starting to see something happen inside it, but there is nothing. It is only your own thoughts cannibalizing themselves in an attempt to dig out the mental sustenance that you desperately need.
Now even your thoughts have deserted you. You are forced to confront the meaninglessness of an existence that could allow this to go on. How can the universe hate us enough to let this happen on a weekly basis? Is Louis van Gaal the devil? Could the devil himself even be this evil?
You wet yourself 30 minutes ago just to feel something, but now that has dried and you are back to the nothingness. You want to move. You want stop this insanity. You want to live! But you are frozen. Nothing can be this nothing. How can it go on? How can something so expensive yield so much nothing?!
Keep looking at it. Has it been 90 minutes yet? The whistle sounds and now you can stop. You survived it. Colors and sounds and smells and feelings come rushing back to you like tidal wave of sensation. You are alive! You are free! But you know you are only days away from being subjected to this horror void again. You consider becoming a darts fan but you know that would somehow be far worse.
Roy Keane is never one to hold back, especially when his former club is the topic of conversation. He demonstrated this yet again when Ashley Young was brought up, since he performed yet another blatant dive during Man United’s 1-0 win over CSKA Moscow in the Champions League.
“I think the guy’s a disgrace,” Keane said. “If he’s a Man United player, I’m a Chinaman.”
That’s Roy Keane, ladies and gentlemen. The only football pundit to casually throw derogatory terms for Chinese people into his Ashley Young insults since your unemployed uncle at that last family gathering.
Back in July, Louis van Gaal called Chris Smalling “Mike” during a press conference. With Smalling sitting right next to him. The name stuck for Smalling, who happened to speak about it a few weeks ago.
From the Guardian:
“The players don’t call me Mike, but a lot of the fans do,” Smalling said with a smile after United’s 0-0 draw with Manchester City last month.
“Even if you go to Russia or wherever, it’s ‘Mike! Mike! Mike!’
“It’s going to stick with me forever, that one.”
Well, Van Gaal has only gone and done it again, this time after Man United’s 1-0 win over CSKA Moscow in the Champions. But this time, he’s gone for the more formal “Michael.”
“David De Gea saved us,” Van Gaal said, getting his goalkeeper’s name right. “And after that, Michael Smalling saved us.”
At this point, Smalling should probably just change his name. It’s the only way now.
