Tag: Nonsense

La Liga trophy withheld from Real Madrid until Gareth Bale gets a decent hairstyle

Spanish federation takes a stand against Bale’s outdated bun

The Spanish football federation (RFEF) is refusing to hand over the Liga trophy to Real Madrid until Gareth Bale adopts a more “professional” hairstyle. Los Blancos became champions of Spain for the first time in five years with a 2–0 win over Malaga on Sunday, but they were not given the trophy. Bale and Luka Modric were both seen asking why the silverware wasn’t present after the match, while Cristiano Ronaldo added that the decision was “a fucking joke.”

“Being a champion means more than just one’s play on the pitch,” said RFEF president Angel Maria Villar. “It also requires a certain level of personal quality. And certain members of Real Madrid’s squad do not display this quality. Of course, I am referring to Gareth Bale and his man bun. This trend has come and gone and yet he still has that droopy bird’s nest atop his head. It’s a blight on Spanish football and we cannot present the club with this trophy until something is done about it. We have informed Real Madrid of this matter and they assure us that it will be dealt with.”

Bale has struggled with injuries this season, scoring seven goals in just 19 appearances for Real Madrid—his lowest totals since he joined the club in 2013. Many experts have speculated that his lingering man bun is to blame.

“Some might say that this is a harsh position for the federation to take, but we have been very lenient in this area,” Villar added. “That nonsense Neymar used to have on his head, Messi’s blond atrocity, everything Ronaldo has done to himself. We have to put our foot down somewhere. And we’re putting it down on Bale’s antiquated hipster hair.”

Real Madrid have been given until the start of the next season to get Bale to change his hairstyle or the trophy will be melted down into a paperweight that will be used to hold down all the complaints filed by Gerard Pique.

Villar concluded: “Look, we know that Bale might be balding under that monstrosity, but that’s totally fine. Some people are bald. No one cares, Gareth. A bald patch is so much better than a man bun. It’s 2017 and everyone agrees on this.”

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Monaco’s fan overjoyed by first Ligue 1 title in 17 years

Lonely man only wishes he had someone to share the moment with


(AS Monaco/Twitter)

Monaco beat St. Etienne 2–0 to seal their eighth Ligue 1 title and first since 2000, delighting their one fan, Prince Albert II of Monaco.

“It’s been so hard these last 17 years, just waiting for this day,” said the monarch of the tiny, yet incredibly wealthy principality. “Being a prince and the yachts and the incessant luxury. Day after day. It’s been hard. Really, really hard. So to finally have this…it just means so much. And it would’ve meant so much more if there was anyone else in the stadium to see it besides me. High fiving myself in that moment of joy wasn’t as rewarding as I thought it would be.”

Monaco have had one of the most exciting young squads in Europe this season and they proved that not just domestically, but by reaching the Champions League semifinal, as well. Yet their average attendance of 1 is the lowest in France’s top flight.

“It upsets me that no one else attends the matches,” Prince Albert added. “Especially since I own the club. Do I own the club? I probably own the club.”

Monaco has a population of less than 40,000 people and the sixth highest GDP per capita in the world. Their stadium, the Stade Louis II, has 18,523 seats — 18,522 of which have never been used.

“I’ve invited the Monacans to attend matches many times, but they’re too busy being being rich,” Prince Albert continued. “They are my subjects, so I guess I could order them to attend, but it’s no fun watching football with people who don’t want to be there. It would be like going to an Arsenal match. No one wants that.”

Despite being so alone, Prince Albert remains hopeful that Monaco’s style of play will bring new fans to their matches.

“Falcao had a great season, but he is getting older. Maybe when he retires he’ll stick around and attend matches with me. We could high five each other when the team wins. It would be a dream come true.”

Listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast for more nonsense.

Jose Mourinho’s perfectly executed plan to reach the Europa League final

It only seemed like Celta Vigo were giving him a heart attack

(Man United/Twitter)

Prior to the second leg of Manchester United’s Europa League semifinal against Celta Vigo, Jose Mourinho called it “the most important match of our history.” As in, the most important match in Manchester United’s history. The same Manchester United that has won more titles than any other club in England.

That said, the match most definitely was important for Mourinho and Man United. They’re sixth in the Premier League and winning the Europa League is the last remaining hope at Champions League qualification they have this season. So with a 1–0 advantage from the first leg against a small club currently sitting 12th in La Liga, surely a tactical master like Jose Mourinho would employ an infallible plan to finish off his inferior opponent. And that he did. Here’s a step by step breakdown of how he did it:

  • Start Wayne Rooney: Having someone for Celta Vigo to pity will make them subconsciously not try as hard.
  • Have Zlatan Ibrahimovic place a threatening phone call to international teammate and Celta Vigo striker John Guidetti: Just give Guidetti something to think about whenever he has a clear chance on goal so he knows there will be Zlatsequences should be score.
  • Rely on Marouane Fellaini for an early goal: He only scored twice all season coming into the match, so obviously he was due.
  • Instruct team to channel the spirit of a group of unathletic children forced to play dodgeball in gym class under threat of being expelled from school: This is what the experts call a “winning mentality.”
  • Concede a goal in the 85th minute: This injection of added terror will instill the frenzied panic necessary to…
  • Have your best defender get sent off for hitting an opponent in the face: Celta Vigo’s goalscorer will also get sent off in the melee and they still need another goal. The red card means Eric Bailly will be banned for the final, but what team needs their best defender in a cup final anyway?
  • Let John Guidetti get the ball right in front of goal in the final seconds of injury time when one goal will end any chance at avoiding total and complete embarrassment this season: That pre-match phone call that put the fear of Zlod into Guidetti will make the difference here.

  • Celebrate like you didn’t just poop yourself: Waving a scarf around will help waft the smell away.

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Leo Messi announces he will be “super angry” if Alves and Higuain win Champions League without him

The duo have helped Juventus to the Champions League final and Messi is not pleased

(Dani Alves/Instagram)

Leo Messi has warned former Barcelona teammate Dani Alves and Argentina teammate Gonzalo Higuain that he will be more angry than he has ever been in his life if they win the Champions League with Juventus.

The Italian club reached the Champions League final by beating Monaco 4–1 on aggregate, thanks to two goals from Higuain in the first leg and a goal and an assist from Alves in the second. Both players joined Juventus this season, Higuain in a €90 million transfer from Napoli and Alves on a free transfer from Barcelona.

“If they win the Champions League, I swear…” Messi told reporters, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what I’ll do. I’ll be super angry. I’ll probably punch a balloon. Maybe two of them.”

Messi’s frustration stems from the fact that Barcelona did not keep Alves, instead freeing him to sign with the club that would eliminate them from the Champions League quarterfinals. His frustration with Higuain, meanwhile, is a result of the striker’s lackluster performances in the three major cup finals Argentina have reached in recent years, losing in all of them.

“I can’t believe Barca were stupid enough to let Dani leave,” Messi continued. “He’s showing how much he brings to a team. I hope the English media write more stories about me joining Man City just to spite Barca for this. For the record, I’m not going to leave, though. All my stuff is here, so I can’t. I mean, I might. But I won’t. And Higuain—he’s just playing well to mess with me. I know it. But what did I ever do to him? Besides that one time I didn’t invite him to my birthday party every year.”

Asked if he will watch the Champions League final, Messi said, “No. I’m just going to sit outside with my leg over my giant dog until it’s over.”

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The company behind every “Wenger Out” sign

“Wenger Out” signs are everywhere these days and one company is behind them all

An unoriginal man and his sign

The Wenger Out Sign Company has turned the dissatisfaction with the Arsenal manager’s job performance into an international business. Founded by Dan Dublinsky—a man who has never watched an Arsenal match in his life—in Caldwell, Idaho, the company sells signs made to look like they were hastily scrawled by a disinterested child to people all over the world who are desperate to feel one with the delicious power of memes.

Currently valued at $3 billion and preparing an IPO for the New York Stock Exchange, the Wenger Out Sign Company is profiting from Arsenal’s ongoing reluctance to make a decision about Wenger’s future.

Here’s the ad the Wenger Out Sign Company produced to air during the Champions League final this year:

For more ads from companies with doomed business models, listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast.

Eight ways Swansea City can achieve Landon Donovan’s dream of becoming “America’s club”

The ultimate goal every Welsh club should have

Landon Donovan sitting with Swansea City’s other American supporters (SwanseaCity.net)

Landon Donovan has taken an “advisory role” with Swansea City as they are now under American ownership and he has a clear vision for the Welsh side: Become America’s team.

He explained his hope for the club in an interview with their official website:

“I think a lot of clubs are trying to reach out into the American market, or the Chinese market, the Indian market or the South American market,” Donovan says.

“And I think Swansea City are certainly becoming more known in America.

“We have an advantage if we do things right because we have people involved who are American and people who genuinely care about the club.

“I think the Swansea name will get bigger and bigger in America and elsewhere.

“I think most likely every pre-season should be in America. That makes sense for a lot of reasons. You have to keep building the profile and promoting it.

“Eventually the hope is that this becomes America’s club one day.”

It will obviously take more than just a few preseason trips to the United States for Swansea to become America’s club. Here are some ideas to put them over the top:

  • Hire an American manager—Er, actually, maybe skip this one.
  • Change the club’s nickname from The Swans to “The Baconator Freedom Eagles”—Think of the T-shirt designs this would lead to! Every Walmart in the U.S. would sell out of them immediately.
  • Move the club to St. Louis—America’s club…in Wales? Come on. They’re already outside of England, so why not move a little further away and set up shop in America’s heartland to prove their commitment to the fans?
  • Refuse to be relegated—Swansea are currently in the Premier League’s relegation zone and are in serious danger of going down. But America doesn’t have promotion and relegation, so this isn’t gonna fly. If they do finish in the bottom three, Swansea must refuse relegation on the grounds of adhering to their American principles. Leave that stuff to a club aiming to be Croatia’s team like Burnley or Hull City.
  • Sign a star player from MLS—Want to get America’s attention? Then you need to make a statement signing. Someone like Chicago Fire legend Bastian Schweinsteiger or New York City FC icon Andrea Pirlo. The only way to truly capture American fans is to sign one of their own to a massive contract.
  • Do Moneyball—I’m not entirely sure what this means, but I saw the movie with Brad Pitt and the guy from Superbad and both of their characters were a lot smarter than everyone else in the film, so it must be a pretty good thing to do.
  • Raise the ticket prices for locals and let Americans in free—The move to St. Louis will take some time, so while that’s being arranged, Swansea will have to entice American fans to come watch them at Liberty Stadium (this is a good name for a stadium, but “Statue of Liberty Stadium” would be better). Free tickets for anyone who can prove they are American is a great way to do that. And to ensure there’s space for them, they should make locals pay five times whatever they’re paying now. You have to prioritize.
  • Start playing in Liga MX—If you want to be popular in America, you should play in the league that gets the highest TV ratings in the U.S. The travel would be difficult, but, hey, becoming America’s club is very important for 18th-place Swansea.

Conspiracy Theory: Jose Mourinho infected Chelsea players with a crippling virus before match

Could Chelsea players falling ill just before facing Man United be a coincidence? No way

Chelsea lost 2–0 to Man United on Sunday in an uncharacteristically poor performance and now it has been revealed that several key Chelsea players were enfeebled by a virus that just so happened to sweep through the team at that time. Clearly this was the result of biological warfare enacted by former Chelsea and current Man United manager Jose Mourinho.

According to the Guardian, the illness forced Marcos Alonso to be withdrawn from the starting XI shortly before kickoff and it affected both Victor Moses, who had to be substituted shortly after halftime, and Diego Costa, who only has a yellow card to show for his 90 minutes of play.

One theory that has been considered by the club is that the bug had spread through the squad at a team bonding meal — one of a number arranged by Conte over the course of the season to strengthen the group — last Thursday evening.

Another theory is that the man who infected Chelsea with this devastating bug was Jose Mourinho. The motive was certainly there. Not only was he sacked by Chelsea twice despite winning three Premier League titles for the club, but he was beaten 4–0 and called “Judas” by fans upon his return to Stamford Bridge back in October. Obviously Mourinho would’ve wanted revenge enough to take drastic measures to ensure he got it.

But would Mourinho posses a biological agent capable of incapacitating Chelsea’s players? Well how else can you explain Eden Hazard’s performance during the 2015/16 season before Mourinho was sacked? Mourinho must have been testing the virus on him and it proved more powerful than he expected.

There is no other explanation for a season this out of line with the rest of Hazard’s career

So after the match in October, Mourinho decided to use his connections within the club and unleash his secret weapon on the Chelsea players during Conte’s “team bonding meal” in the hopes that it would not only impair them for the match, but turn them against Conte, whose immediate domination of the Premier League has been a source of jealousy for Mourinho, who still sits in fifth place with Man United despite the three points.

If this isn’t what happened, then why was it three of the team’s most important players who were most affected by the illness while John Terry sat on the bench feeling fine? Why didn’t this illness sweep through the team before a match against, say, Burnley? And what was the deal with Thibaut Courtois injuring himself before the match while filming a promotional video for the NBA? Know who attended an NBA game last year? Jose Mourinho.

The evidence is overwhelming, but Mourinho will still get away with his diabolical deed and retain the three points that make up the margin between him and his ultimate nemesis: Arsene Wenger. Coincidence? Not a chance.

DT Exclusive: A revealing interview with Bastian Schweinsteiger

The new Chicago Fire star’s secrets revealed!

(Chicago Fire/Twitter)

To help hold you over as we wait to see if there will be an episode two of the Dirty Tackle podcast, we managed to get an exclusive interview with Chicago Fire signing Bastian Schweinsteiger. It didn’t go well, but it did provide at least one astounding revelation nonetheless.

Check it out here:

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Luke Shaw reveals that Jose Mourinho has been stealing his lunches

The out of favor defender admits the extent of Mourinho’s torment

(Man United)

Manchester United defender Luke Shaw claims that manager Jose Mourinho has been stealing his lunches everyday for the last several months. Mourinho has not been shy with his public criticism of the 21-year-old, but the full extent of his treatment of Shaw has not been known until now.

“I understand that the boss wants me to do better, and I’m trying—I really am,” Shaw told reporters, his voice quivering. “But how am I supposed to concentrate when I’m always so hungry? Everyday the boss comes up to me at lunchtime, looks at my plate and says ‘Yoink!’ and takes it. He literally says ‘Yoink!’ every time he does it. Then he makes me sit there and watch him eat it. After a few bites he always says I made the wrong choice and then tosses it all out. I’m sure he’s just doing this to try and toughen me up, but it’s hard to be tough when you’re lacking proper nutrition.”

Former Man United physio Matt Radcliffe told ESPN FC that “some people would see [Mourinho’s public comments on Shaw] as bullying of a young player,” and Shaw’s admission will strengthen those claims.

“I started eating bigger breakfasts knowing that I wouldn’t have lunch, but that only slowed me down in training and made things worse,” Shaw continued. “Sometimes the other players would give me some of their food, but if the boss catches them, he threatens to sell them to Sunderland, so they don’t do it anymore.”

“All I want to do is play football and eat my lunch. Is that so much to ask?” Shaw then shouted, breaking down in tears.

When asked for comment, Jose Mourinho said, “Luke is eating his lunch with my mouth. That’s it. I cannot compare the way he eats to the way the other players eat, the way he commits to lunch, his ambition, his focus. He is a long way behind.”


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

A translation of Lionel Messi’s letter to FIFA denying that he insulted referee

Messi’s attempt to get his ban overturned


FIFA suspended Lionel Messi four matches for cursing at the referee during Argentina’s 1–0 win against Chile. Though Messi’s words were caught on film, the Argentina captain who retired (then promptly unretired) from international football last year claims he is innocent in a letter he sent to football’s governing body.

https://twitter.com/SivanJohn/status/847284200545832962

The following is a complete translation of that letter.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. FIFA,

My name is Lionel Andres Messi. I am 29 years old. I like to play football. My friends call me Leo. Maybe if you decide to be nice to me, I will let you call me Leo, too.

The reason I am writing to you is because you have banned me from playing football for four matches because you think I said bad words to the referee. This makes me sad.

I swear on my Lego collection that my words were not directed at the referee. I was just talking to the air as I remembered what Gonzalo Higuain has done to prevent Argentina from winning trophies time and time again. I hate him so much. He is the worst.

The video that made it look like I was saying these words to the referee was clearly edited and cannot be used as evidence against me. As the sculptor who created the bust of Cristiano Ronaldo in Madeira proved, reality can be changed when it passes through someone else’s hands. After all, we all know that in real life Cristiano is much uglier than that bust. LOL.

I assure you that this is all just a misunderstanding. I’m sorry if the referee felt I was insulting him, but I refuse to apologize to Gonzalo Higuain. Again, he is the absolute worst and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Please ban him from football forever. He deserves it.

I hope that my severe indentations on this letter demonstrate my honesty to you or at least confuse you enough to overturn my ban just so you don’t have to read similarly indented letters in the future.

To recap: I did not insult the referee, Gonzalo Higuain is the worst and deserves to be banned forever, there is still a chance I will let you call me Leo, and taxes should be abolished.

Please overturn my ban and let me continue to play until I decide to retire again. That’s all I have to say. Oh, two more things: 1) I’m pretty sure I heard Alexis Sanchez say the same words about Arsene Wenger in the tunnel at halftime. 2) My dog is very large and doesn’t like it when people are mean to me. Just throwing that out there.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope that we can all be friends and maybe go bowling at some point in the future.

Hugs,

Lionel Messi


https://upscri.be/16bb19/