Tag: Nonsense

DT Exclusive: Bastian Schweinsteiger’s negotiations with the Chicago Fire

How a sad footballer ends up joining a sadder club

(Bastian Schweinsteiger/Twitter)

Bastian Schweinsteiger will join the Chicago Fire on a one-year deal after making just four appearances for Man United this season. The following is a transcript of Schweinsteiger’s negotiations with Chicago general manager Nelson Rodriguez.

Rodriguez: Bastian, we would very much like to have you join the Fire and we’re prepared to make you a serious offer.

Schweinsteiger: Excellent! I just have one question.

Rodriguez: What’s that?

Schweinsteiger: Are you real?

Rodriguez: Am I real? If you’re asking whether my offer is real, yes, I can assure you that it is, Bastian.

Schweinsteiger: No, I mean are you a real person? I’ve been so alone that sometimes I imagine nice people who talk to me but aren’t really there.

Rodriguez: Yes, Bastian. I’m a real person. I assure you.

Schweinsteiger: That’s what the imaginary people always say, but Mr. Mourinho makes me chauffeur his children to earn my wages, so I’m going to believe you.

Rodriguez: Well, with that out of the way, we’re prepared to make you our highest paid player by a considerable margin. How does $4.5 million for one year sound?

Schweinsteiger: That sounds nice, but like Michael Carrick, money doesn’t wave back when I enter a room. Can part of my payment be a guarantee that people will say “hello” to me and ask how I am doing at least once a week?

Rodriguez: Uh, sure. That shouldn’t be a problem.

Schweinsteiger: Excellent! And can I train with the rest of the team, who will promise not to forget my name and mistake me for an overzealous fan who has illegally gained access to the training ground?

Rodriguez: Yes. Of course.

Schweinsteiger: And will I still get paid if I don’t drive the coach’s children around?

Rodriguez: You won’t be asked to do that.

Schweinsteiger: This sounds like a fantastic arrangement!

Rodriguez: That’s great to hear, Bastian. Just one more thing—you’re 24, right?

Schweinsteiger: Yes, I promise to be friendly to everyone, 24 hours a day!

Rodriguez: I didn’t quite catch all of that, but I did hear you say “yes,” so we have a deal. Can’t wait to see you in Chicago, Bastian. Be sure to pack a coat. It can get cold here!

Schweinsteiger: It can’t be as cold as the way I’ve been treated by Manchester United.

Rodriguez: This is the most depressing successful negotiation I’ve ever had. See you soon, Bastian.

Schweinsteiger: Wait—can we negotiate again tomorrow, too? I have the same amount of free time during international breaks as I do during not international breaks and this was fun.

Rodriguez: Sure, Bastian. Sure.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

If it continued… (Barcelona v PSG)

Building on something that couldn’t get any better

(FC Barrcelona/Twitter)

Barcelona pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time, beating PSG 6–1 in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie to overcome a 4–0 death sentence in the first leg and advance on an aggregate score of 6–5. Neymar scored twice in the final minutes to set up Sergi Roberto’s deciding goal in the fifth minute of added time. Even for a club accustomed to creating magic on the pitch like Barcelona, it was a truly incredible feat that may never be topped, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97’—PSG’s Layvin Kurzawa suddenly regrets scoring an own goal in the 40th minute just for the hell of it.

101’—One of Neymar’s critics turns to a friend and says, “I mean, if he really was great he would’ve completed the hat trick…”

102’—Neymar completes his hat trick. The aforementioned critic shakes his head and says, “Of course he does it now that they’re already winning. So overrated.”

109’—Luis Enrique hopes this is enough to make everyone forget when he “accidentally” announced that he’s leaving the club the other day.

114’—Every deity from Zeus to the Flying Spaghetti Monster descends from the heavens, not only proving their existence to skeptics but revealing themselves to be Barcelona fans willing to do anything to please their beloved equal, Andres Iniesta.

115’—Barca fans are so happy that they forget to jeer Andre Gomes.

117’—Luis Suarez dives in the box. As he writhes in supposed pain, Gerard Pique whispers “We’re winning now, you don’t have to do that anymore.” Suarez nods and apologizes to everyone around him for the confusion.

120’—Frustrated by this turn of events, PSG’s owners, the Qatar Investment Authority, announce that all 2022 World Cup stadium projects will be converted into the world’s largest Jamba Juice locations.

125’—The Spanish government launches a criminal investigation into Barcelona, citing the club’s comeback as a strange new method of committing tax fraud.

131’—Liverpool congratulate Barca on providing them with an opportunity to remind everyone of the time they came back from 3–0 down against Milan, which was in the Champions League final, unlike this, which is merely the round of 16.

136’—The PSG players hold a seance in the middle of the pitch to try and summon Zlatan back to save them.

140’—Leo Messi wonders if he’s dreaming, but decides that this must be real life since everything around him isn’t made out of Lego pieces and it’s not raining ice cream.

142’—Pique humps the goalpost.

143’—Inspired by Barcelona’s achievement of the impossible, NASA lands a human beings on Mars after just 10 minutes of formal preparation.

144’—The polar ice caps spontaneously regenerate.

145’—The true meaning of life is discovered.

146’—World peace is achieved.

147’—The match is abandoned when PSG evaporate into a mist of previously unthinkable embarrassment.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Laughing at Arsenal with Alexis Sanchez

Champions League deja vu will give you the giggles


Alexis Sanchez’s frustration with Arsenal’s annual implosion in both the Premier League and Champions League have reached the point where he has now been spotted laughing at his teammates’ ineptitude twice in a span of three days. Sanchez was benched for Arsenal’s 3–1 loss to Liverpool on Saturday after reportedly berating his teammates and storming out of a training session a few days earlier. Though he did start Arsenal’s third consecutive 5–1 loss to Bayern Munich in the Champions League (yes, third), he was taken off in the 73rd minute, giving him a chance to sit on the bench with unused Champions League winner Petr Cech and giggle into his hand.

So what was so funny? The following is a transcript of what he told Cech.

Hey Petr, you know what time it is? It’s 1o to. Get it? Because they’re beating us 10–2 on aggregate and that’s also a way people say the time of day. OK, OK, I didn’t make that one up—I got it from Bayern’s Twitter account.

Seven years in a row this club has gone out of the Champions League in the round of 16 now. It’s like watching the movie Groundhog Day, but without the main character who eventually learns something. Get it, Petr? Because Wenger keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. You haven’t seen Groundhog Day? Bill Murray? No? Well, don’t bother, because you’re living it right now. Am I right or am I right? Right. Right. Right. Hahaha no, I’m just joking. We’ve gotta laugh to keep from crying like Wenger when he sees a starting XI without Coquelin in it. Hey-ooooo!

Oh this is rough. But at least Xhaka got his yellow card, so he can go home happy. Maybe if I promise to buy Walcott a juicer he’ll score eight more goals in the next five minutes. Get it? Because he was all excited to get a coffee maker for scoring 10 goals before Christmas and then once he got it he completely stopped scoring in the Premier League. What a hump. And don’t get me started on Özil. It’d be better to have Walcott’s coffee maker out there. At least a coffee maker does something. Petr, get it? Because Özil doesn’t do anything. Haha it’s funny because I won’t be here next year to suffer through this all over again.

Anyway, I’m just upset that I didn’t think to get sent off like Koscielny so I could go back to the dressing room and scream into a pillow until the pain of existing in this prison of failure melts away. Ha. Man, do I hate everyone. Except you, Petr…except you.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Xabi Alonso: A man of many poses

When you hire the Bayern Munich midfielder to model, you get your money’s worth

This is called “Hoping no one notices you in the school pickup line” (adidas)

Like Andrea Pirlo, Xabi Alonso is a person who can make anything look cool. He demonstrated this at a recent photoshoot for adidas’ Porsche Design Sport clothing line. Here’s an assortment of the many poses he has in his impressive repertoire.

(adidas)

The “Closely watching someone make a poor attempt at parallel parking across the street in case they hit another car and you have to leave a note for the owner” pose.

(adidas)

The “Cosplaying as Ryan Gosling from the movie Drive in the parking lot of a comic book convention” pose.

(adidas)

The “Police officer unconvincingly going undercover as a high school student” pose.

(adidas)

The “Reading a profile of Thomas Müller aloud to your wife, who is only half listening as she watches her favorite television show” pose.

(adidas)

The “Holding an apple and remembering a Shakespearian soliloquy once performed in a drama class for footballers interested in getting more commercial work” pose.

(adidas)

The “Distracted by a troubling news report on the changing migration patterns of Canadian geese while reading the paper” pose.

(adidas)

The “Getting back to the article when the report about the geese ends and an advertisement comes on” pose.

(adidas)

The “Watching your kid pour themselves a glass of juice and you can tell they’re about to spill it everywhere” pose.

(adidas)

The “Let’s have sex on this countertop right now” pose.

(adidas)

The “Stay at home dad picking up his wife from work” pose.

(adidas)

The “It’s time to dance until the sun comes up” pose.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s violent draw with Man United

A passionate perspective on a controversial match

(Premier League)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR DRAW WITH MAN UNITED IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. TYRONE MINGS STOMPING ON ZLATAN’S HEAD—BEFORE EVERY MATCH I TRY TO PUMP UP MY TEAMMATES BY SHOUTING “LET’S STOMP SOME HEADS!!!!!!!!!!” I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW THAT I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH NOW THAT TYRONE MINGS HAS ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT I WOULD PROBABLY BE FOUND LIABLE IN A COURT OF LAW AND NOW I’LL HAVE TO HAND OUT A WRITTEN DISCLAIMER EVERY TIME I SAY IT IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANKS TYRONE!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN THAT AS SARCASTICALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN ELBOWING MINGS IN THE HEAD—I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASSAULT MY TEAMMATES BUT I’M ALSO A BIG ADVOCATE FOR REVENGE SO I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! ZLATAN LATER SAID THAT TYRONE “JUMPED INTO MY ELBOW” AND THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO!!!!!!!!!! I’VE HAD MANY THINGS JUMP INTO MY ELBOW OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!! MAINLY BEARS AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I’M BANNED FROM EVERY ZOO ON MAINLAND EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JOSE MOURINHO SAYING THINGS TO TYRONE MINGS—MOURINHO WAS SO DETERMINED TO STICK HIS BEAK INTO THE WAR BETWEEN TYRONE AND ZLATAN THAT HE BUMPED INTO ME IN THE TUNNEL AND DIDN’T EVEN SAY “EXCUSE ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH INSTEAD OF “THE SPECIAL ONE” HE SHOULD BE CALLED “THE ESPECIALLY RUDE ONE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY NOT TO BLEED OUT FROM MY CUTTING WIT MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT THIS CARPET AND IT WAS ON SALE SO I CAN’T RETURN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—BEFORE THE MATCH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME IF I COULD GET HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JUAN MATA!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WOULD TRY BUT ONLY BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT MATA IS AN ELF FROM THE NORTH POLE AND I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO INVESTIGATE HIS MAGICAL PRESENCE MORE CLOSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD I BUMPED INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I SAID “EXCUSE ME” BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL LIKE MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY WE STARTED TALKING AND I ASKED HIM IF HE HAS A SPECIAL POUCH FOR HIS MAGIC DUST OR IF HE JUST KEEPS IT IN A SOCK OR SOMETHING AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN HE SHOOK MY HAND!!!!!!!! I’M CONVINCED THAT HE DID SOME KIND OF ELFISH MIND TRICK ON ME BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN MY HOUSE DRENCHED IN PAINT THINNER AND THERE WAS BROKEN GLASS IN EVEN MORE PLACES THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT DAY DAN ASKED ME IF I GOT THE AUTOGRAPH AND I SAID “NO DAN I’M SORRY BUT I’LL GET IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!” EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER AND THAT’S WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANY AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!

5. PHIL JONES’ WEIRD FACE—PHIL JONES CONCEDED THE PENALTY THAT ALLOWED US TO EQUALIZE AND OHMYGOD WHY DOES HIS FACE DO SUCH WEIRD THINGS?!??!!? IT’S LIKE IT’S TRYING TO DETACH ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

6. SAVING ZLATAN’S PENALTY ATTEMPT—ZLATAN THINKS HE IS A GOLDEN GOD WITH HIS TAEKWANDO BLACK BELT BUT HIS SHOT WAS NO MATCH THE MARTIAL ARTS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING DOLPHINS FIGHT OVER A BAG OF RAMEN NOODLES IN A DREAM I ONCE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD START TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NECK WITH A DOG TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RETIRING FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL—THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN DURING THE MATCH BUT IT WAS DURING THE SAME WEEK SO I’M INCLUDING IT HERE ANYWAY AND YOU CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALIZED THAT THE TIME SPENT ON INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL IS TIME I COULD BE USING TO ME EFFECTIVELY FIGHT THE CORN MENACE AND ALL IF ITS MANY FAKE VEGETABLE CONSPIRACIES SO I KNEW I HAD TO REFOCUS MY EFFORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAYING FOR POLAND IS GREAT BUT SAVING THE WORLD FROM COBS OF DESTRUCTION IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://whatahowler.com/artur-borucs-rageful-recap-of-bournemouth-s-incredible-comeback-against-liverpool-751fb8950644


Barcelona hire local accountant to replace Luis Enrique as manager

“We needed someone who can address our weaknesses,” says Leo Messi

(Barcelona/Twitter)

Following the unexpected announcement that Luis Enrique will leave Barcelona at the end of the season, the club has announced that 52-year-old accountant Norberto Salvat will be the new manager for the 2017/18 season. Salvat has no experience in football and for the last 12 years has operated his own accounting firm in the city.

“A cardboard box could lead this team to several trophies,” said Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu at an event revealing the decision. “As long as that box does not contain Tata Martino. Anyway, the only thing that could impede our success is if all of our players go to jail for tax evasion, which has become an increasingly real possibility in recent years. So we have hired a specialist in this area to be the manager and ensure this does not happen.”

Though little is known about Salvat, club insiders expect him to replace the squad’s football related training with an intense mix of Spanish tax code lessons and wealth management seminars.

“We don’t need someone to help us score goals, we need someone to help us with the government,” said Lionel Messi, who was given a 21-month suspended prison sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud last year, and is one of at least seven Barcelona players past and present charged with the crime. “I’m excited to learn from him.”

For his part, Salvat, nicknamed “The Catalan Calculator,” is quietly confident that he will be able to make his mark at the Camp Nou.

“I’ve never been much of a football fan, but I’m told this is a big deal,” he said. “I can’t make any promises about how the team will play, but I will ensure that their taxes will be done correctly and on time. Even that Pique fellow’s.”


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

God: “Sacking Claudio Ranieri is a new low for humanity”

The almighty creator shocks the world by finally speaking out against mankind’s greatest crime

(Leicester City)

God, the supreme creator of all that exists, has stunned humankind by breaking His millennia-long press silence to speak out against Leicester City sacking title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri.

“Human beings have committed some truly heinous acts against each other,” boomed the all-powerful voice from the Heavens, exclusively to a select group of print journalists. “Murder, tyranny, acts of greed, and reality television! But sacking Claudio Ranieri, a true saint who performed an honest to Me miracle by winning the Premier League title with Leicester City—Leicester City!—last season is the worst I’ve seen and I see everything, even what you type into Google! Now I am forced to express my outrage in a way that mere thunderbolts and earthquakes cannot convey.”

God’s media silence over the last thousand years or so has left an increasing number of people to doubt His existence over that time, but now He reveals that He has just been busy creating, and subsequently watching, football, with a particular interest in Leicester City.

When the relegation fodder club hired Ranieri in 2015, pundits and supporters alike mocked the selection, as the aging Italian was widely viewed as being on the decline of his career. But then he overcame incredible odds to win the Premier League title in his first season. And though Leicester are once again battling relegation this season, they are still alive in the Champions League knockout stage, making the timing of the decision somewhat curious.

“Sacking Ranieri now, simply out of fear of a relegation that would suddenly wipe out massive revenue streams and potentially threaten the very existence of the club, proves that football has lost its soul. Which is inexcusable since I only gave souls to two sports: football and curling,” God added. “And so, as punishment, I will smite the earth by extending Joey Barton’s playing career by 10 years. Dilly-ding, dilly-REPENT!”

When asked for comment, Claudio Ranieri handed out free puppies and hugged everyone who looked like they needed one before disappearing into a double rainbow.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

The exact moment Wayne Rooney decided not to go to China, caught on film

Sampling a new culture can be intimidating


After several days of intensified rumors that he could leave Man United for the Chinese Super League as soon as this month, Wayne Rooney has announced that he’s staying put. Rooney took the unusual step of making an official statement through Man United’s website that reads as follows:

“Despite the interest which has been shown from other clubs, for which I’m grateful, I want to end recent speculation and say that I am staying at Manchester United,” declared the Reds’ record goalscorer.

“I hope I will play a full part in helping the team in its fight for success on four fronts.

“It’s an exciting time at the club and I want to remain a part of it.”

So what convinced Rooney to stay? Well, this video of him celebrating the Chinese New Year at famed Manchester restaurant Wings could hold the answer.

Since Wayne doesn’t have a very good poker face, we’re able to pinpoint his exact thoughts throughout the making of this video.

0:16—“I’d have to learn a new calendar?”

1:10—“There’s paper cutting involved?”

2:35—“These questions are just as bad as the ones from the English press.”

4:58—“Did someone slip LSD in my drink?”

5:21—“That lion spat lettuce on me.”

5:30—“I’m never leaving the house again, let alone going to China.”


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Pep Guardiola’s tactical masterplan for Man City’s 5–3 win over Monaco

A wild match that went how Guardiola always knew it would


Man City squandered a first-half lead, then mounted an emphatic comeback to beat Monaco 5–3 in the first leg of the Champions League round of 16 tie. Needless to say, the match went exactly to plan for Pep Guardiola. At least, more so than most things have for him this season. Here are the full details of the brilliant tacticians pre-match instructions.

  • Instruct Willy Caballero to play like a 45-year-old non-league goalkeeper who just ate a half dozen pies.
  • Have John Stones defend like a deflating beachball, but shoot like Pele in a World Cup final.
  • Let Falcao score two goals just to confuse Man United fans, but also stop his penalty attempt because you’re not running a charity here.
  • Tell Sergio Aguero to try and play like Gabriel Jesus.
  • Hold up Mesut Özil’s defensive work rate as an example for the entire midfield to emulate.
  • Concede three away goals because keeping clean sheets is an antiquated philosophy.
  • Don’t do whatever it was that Barcelona did against PSG.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Leo Messi and Mesut Özil have no regrets over the timing of their trip to Disney World

The two stars missed the disastrous first legs of their teams’ Champions League round of 16 ties


Lionel Messi and Mesut Özil missed their teams’ Champions League matches this week due to an unfortunately timed trip to Disney World together. And while they were enjoying themselves at the Magic Kingdom, Barcelona lost 4–0 to PSG and Arsenal lost 5–1 to Bayern Munich.

Fans and journalists alike were quick to point out the absence of both players from the start of the Champions League knockout stage, which Messi and Özil say is the result of a scheduling mishap.

“We thought the Champions League resumed next week,” Özil said upon returning from Florida. “Leo and I both wanted to visit Disney World, so we decided to go together in the middle of the week when we thought there were no matches. We were on Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin when a child recognized us and asked why we weren’t playing in the Champions League. That’s when we realized our mistake. But what were we going to do at that point? Not go see the Country Bear Jamboree? That would’ve been wrong.”

Barcelona’s stunning defeat to PSG in the first leg of their round of 16 tie means they are likely to miss out on the quarterfinals for the first time in a decade. Arsenal, meanwhile, have gone out at this stage in each of the last six years.

Both players could have helped their respective clubs had they been present for these matches. In fact, their managers were so confident they would be there that they were both named to their sides’ starting XIs. Despite a few claims from eyewitnesses that they were, in fact, present and just put in completely ineffectual performances, their picture from Splash Mountain tells a different story.

“The problems our teams suffered in these matches were bigger than one player,” said Messi, wearing a Beauty and the Beast T-shirt. “It’s unfortunate that it worked out this way, but we have no regrets and shouldn’t be blamed for what happened. There is still a second leg to play and if Tinkerbell can be revived through belief alone, then so can our clubs. Of course, she didn’t have to make up a four-goal deficit, so maybe that’s not the best comparison to make.”

When asked if they could assure their clubs that they would play in the return legs, Özil said: “Yes, of course we will play. Unless they conflict with our trip to Legoland.”


https://upscri.be/16bb19/