“How many winner’s medals does a person really need?” Lahm asks
(Bayern)
Bayern Munich and Germany captain Philipp Lahm has announced that he will end his playing career at the conclusion of this season. Still just 33 years old, Lahm recently made his 500th appearances for Bayern. Over his career he has won seven Bundesliga titles, six German Cups, a Champions League title, the World Cup, the Club World Cup, three German Super Cups, and one UEFA Super Cup.
“I could continue playing beyond this season,” Lahm said with a shrug. “But I’m running out of room to put all these trophies in my house and I don’t feel like moving. So I’m just going to retire instead.”
Lahm’s decision means that he will end his career a year before his contract expires—22 years after he first joined Bayern as a 12 year old. The Munich native, nicknamed the “Magic Dwarf,” explained that the burdens of success of become too great to carry on any further.
“Being captain, I have been tasked with lifting all of these trophies and having to act like it’s this special thing, even after doing it over and over again, year after year,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It gets to be grueling after a while and it’s like, ugh, really? So I’m going to leave it to someone else. Let Thomas Müller do it. That guy gets excited when we have grilled chicken for lunch.”
As for what his next chapter will be, Lahm added that he’s very interested in management.
“I’d like to coach—pass my knowledge on to a new generation,” Lahm said. “But not a good team. A bad one. That never wins anything. Just relegation after relegation. That would be wonderful.”
An answer to the most important question about the London derby
(Chelsea/Twitter)
Chelsea successfully avenged their 3–0 loss to Arsenal earlier this season by beating them 3–1 as Arsene Wenger continues to serve out his touchline ban for shoving an official. Chelsea scored early, and capped off Arsenal’s embarrassment with their third goal coming from former Gunners captain and current Chelsea benchwarmer, Cesc Fabregas, before Olivier Giroud scored his specialty: the consolation goal. It was just one more day to forget for Arsenal, ushering in fresh calls for Wenger’s job, which come with the regularity of high tide. But what if the match continued?
97’—Wenger complains into his headset connected to the Arsenal bench about not being able to see over the person standing in front of him loud enough for the person standing in front of him to hear. The man ignores him. Wenger resigns himself to his fate rather than take the further action necessary to rectify the situation.
101’—N’Golo Kante permits Mesut Özil to go to the bathroom on his own, but waits just outside the door the entire time.
104’—A replay of Eden Hazard’s 53rd minute goal is shown on the big screen at Stamford Bridge and the officials decide it was spectacular enough to be counted a second time. Antonio Conte celebrates so hard that he time travels a few seconds ahead.
109’—John Terry stands on his chair and holds the Premier League trophy over his head until Victor Moses convinces him that it’s not time yet.
113’—While undergoing tests related to the head injury that forced him out of the match in the 17th minute, Hector Bellerin claims that he is a Chelsea player who makes £300,00 a week. When worried doctors tell him that’s not true, he shrugs and says “It was worth a try.”
116’—Olivier Giroud scores a second goal, making it 4–2 and giving Arsenal hope of a comeback. Giroud celebrates with a 37-minute long interpretive dance that reenacts his entire life story to that point.
120’—Emboldened by Giroud’s goal, Wenger shoves the person standing in front of him. The FA immediately gives him a 12-match stadium ban, forcing him him to sit in a dry cleaners’ shop across the street.
124’—Roman Abramovich turns to two of his guests for the day, Michael Essien and Didier Drogba and tells them how he wishes they were still out there playing for Chelsea. Andre Schevchenko then asks “What about me, boss?” and everyone pretends to hear someone calling them from the opposite direction.
131’—Nicolas “Le Sulk” Anelka files a lawsuit against a continually mopey Alexis Sanchez for copyright infringement.
135’—Olivier Giroud completes his hat trick while still celebrating his previous goal. Arsene Wenger thinks of the perfect thing to say to the person who was standing in front of him at Stamford Bridge. The owner of the dry cleaners’ shop agrees that it’s pretty good.
139’—Cesc Fabregas scores his second goal of the day while Petr Cech is busy chuckling to himself upon thinking about how John Terry said he would be worth 12 additional points to Arsenal, who would now be 12 points behind Chelsea in the table. As he did after his first goal, Fabregas doesn’t celebrate out of respect for his former club, but he does bend over just enough for his 2015 Premier League winner’s medal to spill out of his shirt.
140’—The match is abandoned when Antonio Conte high-fives a fan with so much force that the Earth explodes.
Club eager to continue perpetual trend of dreams followed by disappointment
(Liverpool FC)
Philippe Coutinho has agreed to a five-year contract extension with Liverpool, reportedly making him the club’s highest paid player and fueling hopes of future successes that will inevitably be squashed.
“I am very happy to sign a new contract here,” said the 24-year-old Brazilian. “Everyone here always believes it will be the year that we do big things and when we don’t, they just say the same thing about the next year. It’s a wonderful atmosphere.”
“I could go to another club where they win more trophies, but those clubs always have people who doubt you when things go wrong. At Liverpool, everyone always believes in the team, even when they really shouldn’t. I appreciate how rare that is.”
To further prove their intent to maintain the status quo of disappointment, Liverpool were eliminated by Southampton in the EFL Cup semifinal hours after announcing Coutinho’s new deal—marking the first time Jurgen Klopp has lost a semifinal in his managerial career.
“With Coutinho staying put, I’m certain that we can not win many titles that we probably should for years to come,” said Klopp, while doing something endearing that distracts from his less than stellar record.
When reached for comment, former Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers, who first brought Coutinho to the club, said, “They hand out winner’s medals like candy in Scotland. It’s outstanding!”
Messi’s free kick success sparks accusations of wrongdoing
(FC Barcelona)
Real Madrid have formally requested that Lionel Messi be restricted from taking free kicks for Barcelona after scoring with them in three consecutive matches to start 2017.
The leaders of La Liga sent a letter to the Spanish football federation insisting that the Barcelona star must be investigated for his “suspicious” level of success since the beginning of the new year.
In the letter, Real Madrid write, “Our own free kick expert, Cristiano Ronaldo, assures us that scoring free kicks in three consecutive months is not physically possible, let alone three consecutive matches. Therefore, Lionel Messi must be utilizing some sort of illegal technology or wizard magic to achieve these dubious results.”
If Messi missed his next 241 free-kicks he would have the same free-kick to goal ratio as Ronaldo (1.3%) ? pic.twitter.com/qEO2IDuctv
A Messi free kick produced Barcelona’s only goal in the first leg of their Copa del Rey tie with Athletic Bilbao upon returning from the winter break. Three days later, his free kick equalized in the 90th minute against Villarreal. And three days after that, another late free kick gave Barcelona the goal they needed to beat Athletic 4–3 on aggregate.
Real Madrid’s letter concludes by proposing Messi be prevented from taking free kicks in official matches until his boots can be inspected by experts and his whereabouts during the winter break can be accounted for, so as to ensure that he did not visit with any practitioners of the dark arts. It also suggests that Messi’s tax fraud could have been a means to cover up whatever is behind his free kick mastery.
Barcelona have vigorously denied any wrongdoing from Messi and insist he is simply from another planet.
A startling revelation from The Best FIFA Football Awards
FIFA executives and voters were surprised to learn that U.S. captain Carli Lloyd was not the only women’s footballer playing the game over the last 12 months. Lloyd won FIFA’s women’s player of the year award for the second consecutive year despite only reaching the quarterfinals of the 2016 Olympic tournament and losing the U.S.’s female player of the year award for 2016 to Tobin Heath.
“We were pretty sure Carli Lloyd was still playing since she won this award last year,” FIFA president Gianni Infantino said after The Best FIFA Football Awards in Zurich. “But we couldn’t think of any other women to nominate, so we went with Marta, who we guessed was retired, and ‘Melanie Behringer’—which was a name we thought we had just made up on the spot. So imagine our surprise when we arrived here tonight and learned that Marta is still playing, Behringer actually exists, and they told us that thousands of other women are currently playing the game at a professional level. It was quite a shock, to say the least. But we already engraved Carli Lloyd’s name on the trophy, so what were we going to do?”
Melanie Behringer was the favorite to the win awards among people who actually watch women’s football, as she was the top scorer at the Olympics, where she won gold with Germany, and won the women’s Bundesliga with Bayern Munich. But for FIFA’s award, which is decided by votes from national team captains and coaches, fans and media, Behringer finished third.
Women's player vote: Carli Lloyd: 20.68% of total votes Marta: 16.60% of total votes Melanie Behringer: 12.34% of total votes
Even Lloyd herself was surprised to hear her name called, saying “I honestly wasn’t expecting this” upon reaching the podium. She then went on to thank U.S. federation president Sunil Gulati, who was in attendance, even though he is currently resisting the fight for equal pay led by Lloyd and her teammates. This was presumably done sarcastically.
When asked if this experience will prompt FIFA to pay more attention to the women’s game, Infantino replied, “I don’t know about that, but I would like to congratulate Carli Lloyd on already being named The Best FIFA Women’s Player for 2017, 2018, and 2019! What an achievement.”
Unheralded new Real Madrid signing James Rodriguez marked his arrival at the club with a brace in a 3–0 win Copa del Rey round of 16 win over Sevilla. The January acquisition, who wasn’t even announced by the club, was a surprise inclusion in the starting XI and made the most of the opportunity.
“He was good,” Zidane said after the match with a shrug. “He didn’t score a hat trick, but I suppose two goals is good. To some people. Maybe we’ll let him start again in April. We’ll see.”
Teammate Alvaro Morata, who also started against Sevilla, was more effusive in his praise for the 25-year-old Colombian international. “James fit into the team very nicely,” said Morata. “It’s like he’s already been here for two and a half years or something. I don’t know what club he was with before this week, but his performance was very impressive.”
Rodriguez, meanwhile, was adamant that he already feels at home in Madrid.
“For the love of god, I’ve been here since 2014 and I’m not going anywhere!” Rodriguez shouted at reporters. “All I want to do is play football for the club that signed me! Is that so much to ask?! I exist, I can contribute, and I exist! I exist, damnit! I exist!”
When informed of the passion Rodriguez expressed for his new club, Zidane replied, “James who?”
Starting off the new year with an in-depth analysis of 2017’s first great goal
(Arsenal FC/Twitter)
Olivier Giroud, a man who too often has trouble scoring while facing an open net, managed to pull off a breathtaking sideways scorpion-kick goal in Arsenal’s New Year’s Day win over Crystal Palace. It was the type of goal that can be difficult to process. Just watch and let it turn your motor functions to mush.
Thankfully, I have a PhD in Goal Theory, so I am qualified to explain just how this remarkable goal came to be.
The foundation of this goal began the night before. New Year’s Eve. Olivier Giroud and the ball just happened to find themselves at the same party. They spotted each other from across the room. They exchanged timid glances and just before midnight, Giroud worked up the courage to approach the ball.
They discussed how funny it was that they were both there, given that they would be working together the next day. The conversation flowed easy. As the countdown to the new year began, Giroud admitted that he was developing feelings for the ball.
“I don’t have relationships with players,” the ball told him. “I’ve been kicked aside too many times.”
“I’m not like the others,” Giroud insisted, caressing the ball’s high-visibility exterior. “I’ll love you like Theo Walcott loves his coffee machine.”
As the clock struck midnight, the two kissed passionately. Everyone around them disappeared in that moment and the fireworks above were no match for those in their hearts.
In the small hours of the morning, Giroud and the ball went home together, where they explored every smooth, rounded panel of each other’s bodies.
When Giroud was jolted awake by his alarm, the ball was gone and he wondered if their affair was just a fleeting moment of loneliness and desire.
He prepared for the match as he usually does—winking at himself in the mirror and bathing in cocoa butter. When he arrived at the Emirates and stepped onto the pitch for warm-ups, he tried to ignore the ball as it feigned interest in other people. The match began and this silly game continued. But in the 17th minute, they could no longer resist their animal attraction.
Alexis Sanchez sent in a cross that put the ball behind Giroud, who flung out his leg in a desperate attempt to make contact with his complicated lover. As he did so, he whispered “Please, my love, go in the net…and wait for me there.”
Just before the ball propelled off the outside of his boot, it replied: “Anything, Giroud…”
With all the strength it could muster, the ball spun itself down off the crossbar and into the soft embrace of the net, leaving all its witnesses gasping in astonishment.
After the match, Giroud tracked down the ball to profess his love and eternal devotion. He said they could retire and live out their days on a deserted island together. Maybe even have children, if such a thing proves to be possible.
“You know this will never last, Olivier,” it told him. “But I will always remember our time together. And this goal will live on as a testament to what true love can achieve.”
With that, the match official took the ball away, leaving a tearful Giroud to be consoled by Gunnersaurus in the tunnel of bittersweet emotion.
The Chinese Super League’s investment in foreign stars extends to fictional characters
Shanghai Shenhua have made an audacious offer of €20 million per season to fictitious Mexico international Santiago Muñez. Portrayed by actor Kuno Becker, Muñez played for Newcastle United and Real Madrid in the Goal! trilogy, released between 2005 and 2009, turning the character into an internationally beloved star. Now Becker is weighing up taking Muñez out of retirement to play for Shenhua.
“After playing Santi in three films, I thought I was finished with the character,” the 38-year-old Becker said when asked about the offer. “And when my agent first told me about Shenhua’s proposal, I didn’t believe him. But I spoke to the club’s executives and Gus Poyet, the manager, and I’m impressed by their belief in this project. I’m still not sure how it would work since I’m not actually a footballer, but it’s difficult to ignore the money they’re offering.”
Shenhua have already paid Disney a transfer fee of €60 million for the rights to the character and it is believed Becker would be required to answer only to “Santiago Muñez” or “Santi” both on and off the pitch for the duration of the Chinese Super League season.
This move follows the signing of Carlos Tevez to a contract that reportedly makes him the highest paid player in the world. It also comes amidst rumors that Guangzhou Evergrande have put in a bid for animated character Captain Tsubasa and Shanghai SIPG are looking to make Gunnersaurus the world’s highest paid mascot.
Crystal Palace bring a traditional Christmas poem to life by hiring Sam Allardyce
’Twas two nights before Christmas, when all through Selhurst Park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark
The stockings were hung by Benteke with care
In the hopes that Big Sam soon would be there
The players were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Chinese transfers danced in their heads
Steve Parrish in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap
Had settled our brains for a long winter of crap
When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave a luster of midday to objects below
When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a large Mercedes and eight camera crews out for a leer
With a big driver who had a head like a ham
I knew in a moment he must be Big Sam
More rapid than eagles the players they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
“Now, Sako! Now, Souare! Now, Zaha and Ledley!
On, Remy! On, Tomkins! On, Campbell and Kelly!
To the top of the table! Or at least to the center!
Now don’t let investigators even hope to enter!”
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his shoes
And his reputation was all tarnished with scandals in the news
A bundle of money he had flung on his back
And he looked like a grifter just back from the track
His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks filled with porkchops, his brow rather scary!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And his multiple chins bounced to and fro
The stump of a cigar he held tight in his lips
And his shirt was too tight, exposing his nips
He had a broad face and a sizable gut
That was definitely caused by too much Pizza Hut
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly gaffer
And I laughed when I saw him—oh, the internet banter!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all his pockets, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger inside of his nose
And giving a nod, his ego—it grows!
He sprang to his car, his team gave a whistle
And down the drain they flew, like the last piece of gristle
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight— “Happy Christmas to all, going undercover ain’t right!”
Sick children try to lift the spirits of the unfortunate souls who play for the Black Cats
(Sunderland/Twitter)
A group of local children’s hospital patients and staff visited Sunderland’s training complex on Monday in an effort to spread some merriment at the relegation threatened club. With 14 points through 17 Premier League matches so far this season, Sunderland currently sit 18th in the table—just two points from the bottom—and were in dire need of cheering up this holiday season. Which is why this group of sick children and their tireless caregivers took pity on the Sunderland players and spent some quality time with them.
“It’s a very difficult time of the year for for footballers to be playing for Sunderland,” said Timmy, age seven. “Visiting the training ground and spending some time with the players and their families is always something the kids enjoy and hopefully we have helped lift their spirits a little. Just seeing the pain in their eyes as they wore their sad ‘I love SAFC’ Christmas jumpers was heartbreaking.”
Samantha, nine, added: “The Sunderland staff do such an—well, I wouldn’t say ‘amazing’ job—but they try their best. And even though that’s not proving to be good enough, it’s great to be able to thank them for all their work and meet the players as they trudge towards relegation. It’s just nice to give something back to the people who need it most. Especially at this time of year.”
The children’s efforts did not go unappreciated, either.
Sunderland manager David Moyes was near tears when a young boy was willing to accept his autograph instead of laughing in his face like most people when he offers. Another child even knew Lee Cattermole’s name.
“It’s been a tough few years for me in particular,” Moyes said after the event, “And though these kids don’t know what it’s like to make millions of pounds despite a growing list of failures, it feels good to know that they care about us as we endure this difficult time in our lives.”
