An important news alert from the desk of Cristiano
(Real Madrid)
Dear Leo,
How are you? (Please do not feel required to write back answering this question.) I am excellent. As you know, the awarding of the Ballon d’Or was different this year. There was no gala for us to attend together. You in your tiny doll suits made out of discount children’s bedding and me looking perfect.
In a way, I am saddened that we didn’t get to have this time together, but in another, far more real way, I am so happy that we didn’t. But enough small talk—the reason I’m writing to you is to inform you of the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or. No need to thank me for this service. It is 100% my pleasure. I assure you.
Here’s a hint: The winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is the greatest footballer of his generation. His hair this year didn’t look like it was styled by someone who was kicked out of cosmetology school for crimes against humanity. He didn’t “retire” from international football and then come back like a 15-year-old who angrily shut off his Playstation while losing an online match and then tried to pretend that their power went out. And he isn’t you.
That’s right, Leo. As you probably haven’t guessed by now, the winner of the 2016 Ballon d’Or is me. Cristiano “SIIIIII” Ronaldo. The winner of the Champions League, the only footballer with his own line of blankets, the winner of the Best Player in Europe Award, the sufferer of a rare shirt allergy, and the man who finally won a trophy for Portugal simply by shouting at his non-injured teammates.
It has been a truly wonderful year for me and a truly terrible one for you, which makes it an even better year for me. But in addition to being the best footballer, I am also very generous, Leo. And so, to lift your spirits as your inferiority to me becomes known to the world, I am including with this letter a lifetime pass to the Cristiano Ronaldo Museum. So please bring your family (they will have to pay full price, though) and let my achievements inspire you to be slightly less embarrassing.
At this point, I’m sure you are overcome with emotion as you process yet another loss this year mixed with the joy of being able to visit my museum whenever you like instead of tattooing parts of your body to look like a printer test page. So I will conclude by saying that I will not stop winning Ballon d’Or awards until I have one for every abdominal muscle on my body. Yes, that means 15 of them.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR WIN OVER LIVERPOOL IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. I CONCEDED TWO GOALS IN A SPAN OF TWO MINUTES—THIS WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCEDING ONE GOAL IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP INTO A CANOE FULL OF ANAL BLEACH BUT TO THEN CONCEDE ANOTHER SO SOON BECAUSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER IF I ACTUALLY BURIED LANDMINES IN THE GOALMOUTH OR IF THAT WAS JUST AN EXCEPTIONALLY REALISTIC DREAM I HAD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAYBE I DID BURY LANDMINES AND I JUST GOT RIPPED OFF BY MY LANDMINE GUY!!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST THAT MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN CONCEDING TWO GOALS IN TWO MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME FLEEING LANDMINES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. CONCEDING A THIRD GOAL IN THE 64TH MINUTE—WE HAD JUST STARTED OUR COMEBACK WHEN EMRE CAN FIRED A LASERBALL INTO THE TOP CORNER LIKE SOME KIND OF HUMAN LASERBALL CANNON WHICH IS A THING THAT DOES NOT EXIST AND NEITHER SHOULD THAT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! HUMANS CANNOT BE LASERBALL CANNONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS A RULE OF THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL SEE YOU IN SPACE JAIL EMRE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!
3. JURGEN KLOPP: SECRET AGENT OF THE CORN CONSPIRACY—THE KERNELED MENACE HAS WRAPPED ITS DASTARDLY STALKS AROUND MANY OF THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL FIGURES AND JURGEN KLOPP IS NO EXCEPTION!!!!!!!!! THE MAN IS CLEARLY IN THE THROES OF CORN HYSTERIA AND HE IS A DANGER TO EVERYONE AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THE WAY HE GESTICULATES ON THE TOUCHLINE AND HUGS HIS PLAYERS AS IF HE’S TRYING TO POP THEM OUT OF REVENGE FOR ALL THE CORN MANKIND HAS POPPED OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!! WE MUST BE VIGILANT TO STOP THE CORN FROM DROWNING US IN BUTTER AND TAKING CONTROL OF THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI HAS BEEN PESTERING ME TO GET MATCH TICKETS FOR HIM AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ALL SEASON AND THIS WAS THE DAY I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TIME THEY KEPT SHOUTING “WE BELIEVE IN YOU ARTUR” AND “YOU’LL SAVE THE NEXT ONE ARTUR” EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REPEATEDLY TOLD THEM THAT I DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLY RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT TIME THEY ASK ME FOR TICKETS I’M GOING TO SAY I DONATED THEM ALL TO A YOUTH CHARITY EXCEPT I’M GOING TO SAY IT IN A WAY SO THEY KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DRINK DIET PAINT THINNER THAN SEE THEIR GOOBER FACES AT VITALITY STADIUM EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY WERE ALL CHEWING THEIR FOOD WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISTRACTING!!!!!!!! WHO CHEWS A HOT DOG 437 TIMES?!?!?!?!?!
5. ROBERTO FIRMINO’S HAIR—IT LOOKS LIKE A SCALP ERECTION AND IT’S NOT APPROPRIATE TO HAVE THAT THING BOUNCE AROUND THE PITCH AS IF IT WAS WASHED WITH VIAGRA SHAMPOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOTBALL IS A FAMILY SPORT!!!!!!!!!! IT IS A PLATFORM FOR UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE AND HATE FILLED COMPETITION NOT LEWD HAIRDOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE THERE NOT LAWS AGAINST PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF HAIR PENISES?!?!?!?!?!!
6. GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY—THIS IS THE START OF THE THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY ANGRY AND NOT EMBARRASSED GRIZZLY BEAR ANGRY!!!!!!!! GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT T-SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. RYAN FRASER AND STEVE COOK SCORING TWICE IN TWO MINUTES—WHEN MY TEAMMATES DID THIS TO MAKE IT 3–3 LATE IN THE GAME I REALIZED THAT THIS MUST HAVE BEEN HOW LIVERPOOL FELT WHEN THEY DID THE SAME THING IN THE FIRST HALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS BROUGHT ON A CONFUSING MIX OF EMOTIONS THAT I DID NOT APPRECIATE!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HATE SEEING THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVES AND FEELING A CONNECTION WITH ALL OF HUMANITY THAT SUPERSEDES OUR ARTIFICIAL DIVISIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. NATHAN AKE’S 93RD MINUTE WINNER—THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THE RUSH OF JUBILATION THIS GOAL MADE ME FEEL!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CELEBRATING WITH AN OPEN MOUTH FULL OF HALF CHEWED HOT DOG COULD RUIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT JURGEN KLOPP!!!!!! TAKE THAT CORN!!!!!! TAKE THAT ROBERTO FIRMINO’S THROBBING HAIR PENIS!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE DEFEATED BY THE POWER OF BOURNEMOUTH AND THE ALL KNOWING GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY ROBOT THAT PRESUMABLY FEEDS ON LABRADOODLE PUPPIES IN ITS SPARE TIME!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!
What would’ve happened if El Clasico didn’t end when it did
(Barcelona/Twitter)
A late Sergio Ramos equalizer stunned the Camp Nou and salvaged a 1–1 draw for first-place Real Madrid. Luis Suarez gave Barcelona the lead in the 53rd minute, but Ramos’ uncanny knack for scoring when it’s most needed stopped Barca from cutting into Real Madrid’s six-point lead. And it’s a result like this that truly begs the question, “What if it continued?”
97’ — Zidane continues to be unsure why other people find this football manager business to be difficult.
101’—During a stoppage in play, Barcelona midfielder Denis Suarez sees that Marcelo is about to ask him a question and preemptively says, “No, I’m not related to Luis” while rolling his eyes. Marcelo silently turns around and walks away.
106’—Casemiro reverses global warming, cures heart disease, negotiates peace in the Middle East, gets no credit.
108’—Cristiano Ronaldo thanks Javier Mascherano for trying to take his shirt off for him, but asks that he pull harder so as to ensure that he gets the job done.
114’—Gerard Pique tries to commit an idea for a sure to be controversial post-match tweet to memory.
117’—Sergio Ramos considers scoring again, but decides to wait until the final seconds of the next cup final.
123’—Lionel Messi misses with another shot on goal and sighs in a manner that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both PSG and Man City for record fees in January.
129’—Following his loss to Chelsea earlier in the day, Pep Guardiola texts Barca president Josep Maria Bartomeu “just to say hi” while watching YouTube videos from the 2010/11 season.
135’—Cristiano Ronaldo “accidentally” drops the Euro 2016 trophy in front of Messi and asks how all his runners-up medals are doing. Messi sighs in a way that is interpreted by the media as a clear indication that he will sign with both Inter and the LA Galaxy next summer.
138’—Catalan scientists feverishly work to find a way to ensure that Andres Iniesta can play forever.
139’—James Rodriguez suddenly remembers that he exists.
140’—The match is abandoned when the Spanish tax authorities arrest everyone on both sides.
You did it, America. You got me sacked and ruined the best thing that ever happened to your national football team. That’s right. I didn’t say “soccer”—I’m not on your payroll anymore, so I don’t have to use your words. It’s Fußball! Deal with it.
Anyway, your bitter, neophyte media all wrote the same article blaming me for everything from the Mexico and Costa Rica losses to global warming enough times that the USSF fired me before I could fully implement my top secret and totally perfect plan to create the United Soccer States of Jurgen Klinsmann. And now you’ll never know what it’s like to win a World Cup (or a European Championship, for that matter) like me.
While everyone else is busy pointing out what they wrongly interpreted as things I did wrong, I thought I would be generous enough to lay out all the good things I did in terms clear enough for a few of you to maybe understand.
I made you learn about tactics
When Bob Bradley or any of the other glorified high school gym teachers who came before him were in charge, you were just happy when they put more than eight players on the pitch and had them all wearing the same colors. But when I showed up, suddenly anyone who ever changed the default formation on a FIFA video game is Marcelo Bielsa.
The truth is, football tactics are like art. Where one person sees a 4–2–3–1, I might see a majestic steed galloping through a stream. Or a flash of colors and shapes too brilliant to put into words. There are no correct answers with this stuff. Tactics are one of the world’s great mysteries. Like algebra or the Tooth Fairy.
I challenged the MLS power structure that grips U.S. Soccer
While previous managers had their top players striving to test themselves in the best leagues around the world—the ultimate cathedrals of higher learning for our game—I had MLS paying them big money to do the equivalent of moving back into their parents’ basement after their freshman year of college.
MLS is trying to create a mediocre monopoly on the sport in this country that only benefits their owners and I tried to warn you about the dangers that presents for the national team. But you just called me a “Eurosnob” and watched as Don Garber ranted at me like a parent angry at the teacher for giving their perfect little angel who never does homework a C on a test.
Also, it’s very interesting that they waited to fire me just after a report proving me correct about the need for promotion and relegation and a 60 Minutes feature on the women’s team’s fight for equal pay came out. How convenient that in a moment they needed a distraction from two major issues they don’t like, I suddenly have to be fired. Open your eyes, sheeple. Don Garber puts fluoride in the players’ Gatorade bottles.
Oh, and it definitely wasn’t a coincidence that they surrounded the announcement with Landon Donovan ads. This was a vendetta.
(USsoccer.com)
I strengthened a depleted player pool with a wealth of dual nationals
By pure luck, Bruce Arena had probably the best U.S. team ever in 2002 and when I came on, I inherited the last of that group at the tail-end of their careers. Since this country treats player development as a privilege for rich kids in need of extracurricular activities to round out their college applications, I had to get creative to replenish the player pool. So I used the respect everyone outside this unappreciative country has for me to attract a group of dual nationals that Bruce “Players on the national team should be—and this is my own feeling—they should be Americans. If they’re all born in other countries, I don’t think we can say we are making progress.” Arena never would have brought in.
So if you think we were bad even with these players, think how much worse the team would’ve been without them. And if you’re wondering why I couldn’t completely overhaul the country’s youth development system and produce a team of Leo Messis in the two years I was technical director, well I’m sorry I never mastered the ability to bend the space-time continuum. Maybe you should hire Dr. Emmett Brown and his time traveling DeLorean to replace me.
I got results when it mattered most
Not to go all Tim Sherwood on you, but I had the second most wins and second best win percentage of all U.S. national team managers. Sure we lost some games we should have won, but when it mattered most, I got results. And that’s what international management is all about. Total wins and losses don’t matter. Just results in major tournaments.
I won the 2013 Gold Cup (and was named the 2013 CONCACAF Coach of the Year), got out of a very difficult group at the 2014 World Cup (which included eventual winners Germany and Euro 2016 winners Portugal) that none of my small-time predecessors would’ve gotten out of. And I won our group and got us to the semifinals of the Copa America Centenario just five months ago.
So what if we didn’t win the 2015 Gold Cup or reach the Confederations Cup? No one important cares about either of those tournaments. Plus, what do you want me to do—win everything? That would be greedy.
The losses to Mexico and Costa Rica, a.k.a. our two toughest opponents in this round of World Cup qualifying, were unfortunate, but ultimately not as important as people pretended they were. Just because they happened to be the first two matches of the (long and forgiving) qualifying round, the media had an opportunity to spin this as the U.S. being at risk of missing out on a World Cup and salvage a bit of traffic from the international break. Good luck getting my successor fired during the next slow news week, too.
I demanded more
Ultimately, this was my only sin. I believed the U.S. could achieve great things in this sport. I believed you would have the patience and maturity to let me lead you on an incredible journey. I believed the sport should be held to a higher standard in this country. And I thought you were starting to see that. But, in the end, the only person you wanted to hold to a higher standard in all of U.S. Fußball was me. How tragic. For you, but also for me. But mostly for you.
Maybe one day the U.S. will win a World Cup, see the shameful error of your shortsightedness, and thank me for my genius like Germany did after I built the foundation for their success. Or maybe you will slide backwards, eventually giving up on a men’s team entirely after I refuse to forgive your grievous misjudgment and return to save you. Either way, you will miss me.
P.S. That’s a nice new Premier League job you’ve got there, Bob Bradley. It would be a shame if I took that one, too…
“I want to stay here and finish here,” Ronaldo said. “It is not my last contract, I want to keep going until I’m 41 but now the most important thing is this special moment that makes me happy and my family, too.
“I’m at the best club in the world. Everyone knows what my thoughts are. I want to continue being the best. I want to wear this shirt with pride. I’m sure I’m going to contribute the same over the next five years as I have in my time here, scoring goals and winning titles.”
So why is Cristiano so intent on playing until he’s 41 years old? Well, since Lionel Messi has already retired from international football once at the age of 29, he must be convinced that Messi will be completely out of the game a decade from now, allowing him to finally in his version of heaven on earth: without Lionel Messi out there messing things up for him (pun intended).
No Messi to challenge him for headlines or scoring titles or the Ballon d’Or. No Messi to help Barcelona deny Real Madrid all the silverware they could possibly desire. No Messi for people to constantly ask him about, taunt him with, and hold above him.
And if Messi should play into his 40s as well, Cristiano will surely announce his desire to play until he’s 60. Or 70. Or even 100. He might be a step or two slower at that age, but he’ll probably still be scoring goals and showing off his abs. And above all, he’ll be living his dream.
Finding football difficult, Sunderland reassess their career options
(Sunderland AFC)
Winless through the first 10 matches of their Premier League campaign, embattled Sunderland manager David Moyes and his players went to a local Nissan plant in search of more suitable work.
As for David Moyes, well, he got invited back for a second interview and has a verbal commitment from Nissan that they won’t hire Jose Mourinho instead of him. So, yeah, it was a pretty good day.
David Beckham insists that he is certain his Miami MLS franchise will begin play on or before the year 2098.
It has now been more than 1,000 days of toiling in uncertainty for Beckham’s Miami project, which was first announced in February 2014. Since then, two other clubs have joined MLS and three others are set to follow over the next two years, with several more viable options actively pursuing inclusion.
“MLS team in Miami?” Beckham asked when questioned about the project while promoting one of his thousands of other commercial interests. “Oh right! Yes, it’s definitely still happening no later than 2098. That’s for sure. We’re hoping that when climate change submerges Miami underwater over the next 80 years, we’ll be able to find the perfect subaquatic stadium site and by then mankind should have the technology that will allow us to contact alien lifeforms in other galaxies about investing in our project. It’s exciting stuff.”
A proposed stadium site in Miami that was first announced in December 2015 is still far from completion and additional investors for the imaginary club are still needed by Beckham and his partners, Simon Fuller and Marcelo Claure.
Despite these endless delays and the continued uncertainty, Beckham remains upbeat about Beckham Miami United’s ability to sign superstar players.
“I’ve spoken to Cristiano Ronaldo and he’s assured me that if he has a great-great grandson one day, the boy will consider playing for us. So we’re happy about that,” Beckham said with a confident grin. “Also, Zlatan Ibrahimovic will probably still be playing at 116 years old, and he’s open to joining as well. And if MLS can survive the Great Robot Wars of the 2050s, our club will surely become one of the best in the world just before the universe collapses upon itself in 2182. I can’t wait.”
Legia Warsaw prove that eerie silence is the most hostile atmosphere of all
(Mateusz Kostrzewa/Legia Warsaw)
Legia Warsaw supporters opened this season’s Champions League campaign — the club’s first in 21 years—with an spine-tingling display that exemplified the very best of the competition’s atmosphere. That same night, they went on to exemplify the very worst fan behavior, fighting opposing supporters and dousing stewards with teargas.
Borussia Dortmund beat Legia 6–0 that night and the home fans were punished with a complete stadium ban for Real Madrid’s visit. And in a ground completely devoid of any atmosphere whatsoever, Legia earned their first point of the group stage with a 3–3 draw against the current holders. Clearly the absence of any fans whatsoever was the key to Legia’s unexpected success.
(Mateusz Kostrzewa/Legia Warsaw)
Real Madrid seemed to be on the path to giving Legia another 6–0 drubbing when Gareth Bale opened the scoring 56 seconds into the match with a gorgeous half volley. Karim Benzema gave Real Madrid a 2–0 in the 35th minute, but Legia struck back in the 40th with a goal from Vadis Odjidja-Ofoe and equalized in the 58th minute thanks to Miroslav Radovic. In the 83rd minute, Thibault Moulin gave Legia a shocking 3–2 lead, but Mateo Kovacic saved the Spanish club from total embarrassment with a final equalizer in the 85th minute.
Real Madrid beat Legia 5–1 at the Bernabeu just two weeks ago and though they played the return fixture without Luka Modric or Casemiro, they really should have made easy work of their hosts once again. But without the haters that fuel Cristiano Ronaldo or any crowd energy at all, Real Madrid were lulled into complacency by the deafening silence that smothered and extinguished the adrenaline fueled desire that usually accompanies European nights.
After the match, Bale all but admitted as much. From Football Espana:
“It was a strange game, especially with the stadium. That’s no excuse, though,” the forward told Spanish TV, reports UEFA’s official website.
“We’re not happy with the result and we need to bounce back from the result.
“I think we had control of the game at 2–0 and lost concentration and if you do that at this level you get punished.”
On this evidence, clubs should voluntarily play in empty stadiums as a means of psyching out their opponents. If Legia Warsaw had played all of their home Champions League matches in an empty stadium, they wouldn’t have had all that violence and could be leading the group right now.
In fact, completely banning all fans from ever attending any football matches again could solve all of the game’s problems. The decrease in revenue would help keep the exorbitant wages in check, struggling teams wouldn’t have jeers in their home grounds to further deplete morale, there wouldn’t be anymore fears of mob violence, racism, homophobia, or sexism from the stands, and think of all the money clubs and taxpayers would save on policing and costly stadium expansions. It makes perfect sense.
