Smart people know that Histriano Ronaldo is no Keith Houchen and he proved it yet again against Spain in the World Cup. Prepare yourselves, because old Bert’s about to do some of that maths nerd statistical analysis.

First, or number 1 (in mathematical talk), Ronaldo fell over like a wet towel to trick the referee into gifting him a penalty in the fourth minute. He scored because even a broccoli could score a penalty. This made him just the fourth man to score in four different World Cups, but he only had one goal in each of his previous three World Cups. That’s basically like scoring none at all. Pele had no less than 85 goals in his four World Cups. That’s probably true.

Second, or number 2, Ronaldo shot the ball directly into the goalkeeper’s hands, but since the keeper was that overrated donut thief from Man United, he pushed it into his own net like the numpty he is. This gave Ronaldo a second undeserved goal and turned his night into the time I won a free ticket on two separate scratchers in the same day.

Third, or number 3, Shakira’s husband decided that Ronaldo needed a chance to complete his hat trick of shame and equalise for Portugal (the lad took a class at Harvard but that doesn’t make him bright), so he fouled him in perfect free-kick position late in the match. After enough dramatic breathing to fill an Indian soap opera, Histriano put one past the numpty keeper to get the hat trick and the draw.

It was his only legitimate goal of the night, but it was only his first goal on a direct free kick at a major tournament in 45 attempts. You give me 45 attempts and I’ll bang in no less than two and a half, guaranteed.

So he barely deserves credit for that goal. But now everyone is going on about how wonderful he is for doing this. Nonsense. Biego Costa scored two legitimate goals and blasted Pepe in the throat with his forearm. That’s a proper hat trick.

Costa is the true goat. And by that I mean he’s a grizzled bastard like an actual goat. Should call him Billy.