Tag: Premier League

John Terry gets fittingly controversial send-off before lifting Premier League trophy

A perfect end to the Chelsea captain’s time with the club


(Chelsea FC)

Chelsea’s final match of the Premier League season meant absolutely nothing. They had already wrapped up the title for the second time in three years, rebounding from a shocking 10th-place finish last season, and their opponents, Sunderland, were bottom of the table and couldn’t have been more relegated.

So, in the 26th minute of this completely meaningless preamble to Chelsea being presented with the trophy, Sunderland played the ball out and №26 John Terry, the most successful captain in Chelsea’s history, exited his final match with the club as his teammates lined up to give him a guard of honor before he was replaced by new captain Gary Cahill.

It was later revealed that Terry himself came up with this choreography and Sunderland manager David Moyes agreed to it before the match, but a little more planning probably should’ve gone into it since it took until the 28th minute for the substitution to actually take place. Chelsea went on to win 5–1 and, for them, the day couldn’t have been more perfect. They became the first top-flight club to get 30 wins in a 38-game season, Spurs finished with a club record 86 points and still finished seven points behind the Blues with Hugo Lloris conceding a goal in a 7–1 win to give the Golden Glove award to Thibaut Courtois, and Arsenal finished fifth—outside of Champions League qualification for the first time in 19 years.

But the Terry moment was what everyone fixated on. To Chelsea fans, it was a deserved and emotional send-off, and to everyone else, it was an insult to the game and an affront on common decency.

This made it the perfect way for John Terry to end his Chelsea career, over which he has endeared himself to supporters and repulsed everyone else in equal measure. An understated and conventional farewell would’ve been totally wrong for someone who has lifted more trophies over his 19 seasons than his club had in 93 years of existence before he joined the team and been stripped of the England captaincy not once, but twice.

To fixate on whether it was right or wrong is to miss the transcendence of this ending to one of the Premier League’s most enduring one-man morality plays. In John Terry’s final moments on the pitch at Stamford Bridge, he reminded supporters why they love him and everyone else why they hate him. He even managed to squeeze in one last FA investigation. Incredible.

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Fabregas swears on TV, Conte gets soaked, and all the madness of Chelsea’s title celebration

Leave it to Diego Costa to take things way too far, though

(Chelsea FC/Twitter)

Chelsea beat West Brom 1–0 with an 82nd-minute goal from forgotten man Michy Batshuayi, who entered the match just six minutes earlier, to seal their fifth Premier League title and sixth top-flight title in club history. The fact that Batshuayi, who hasn’t started a match all season and hadn’t scored a Premier League goal since AUGUST, scored the title-winning goal serves as a nutty twist to an ending that has been clear for months now. But that was just the beginning of the madness that took hold once the final whistle sounded.

First, Cesc Fabregas said “Football is fucking unbelievable” on live, internationally broadcast television in reference to Batshuayi scoring the decisive goal and Gary Cahill’s delicate ears could not handle that.

Then Diego Costa attempted to give John Terry a colonoscopy right there on the pitch.

But after a full season of Antonio Conte jumping on every man, woman, and child within 17 miles of him, it was time for his players to return the favor and bring the party to him. They began by waiting for him in the dressing room and absolutely drowning him in ice water and champagne, which he expertly sucked down.

Then Terry, Costa, and David Luiz stole him away from his press conference so the celebrations could continue.

Though Chelsea’s last title was just two seasons ago, the pain and frustration of last season’s shameful 10th-place finish clearly fueled their celebrations at the Hawthorns. And if his track record is any indication, the celebrations have only just begun.

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Man City given two-year academy transfer ban, are shocked to learn they have an academy

“I thought it was just there for decoration,” said director of football Txiki Begiristain

(Man City)

The Premier League has given Man City a two-year academy transfer ban and fined them £300,000 for improper conduct related to the signing of two youth-team players, ages 11 and 15.

From ESPN FC:

The statement said City “will be prohibited from registering any academy players in the under-10 to under-18 age range who have been registered with a Premier League or EFL club in the preceding 18 months.”

It added: “This ban will last for two years. The period of this ban from 30 June 2018 onwards will be suspended for three years to be activated in the event of any similar breach by the club.

These sanctions likely won’t have much of an impact on City’s first team, as Kelechi Iheanacho is just about the only member of the squad to have spent any time in the club’s own academy. And his spell there was a brief one.

City opened a state-of-the-art £200 million academy in 2014.

“We have players there?!” said a shocked Txiki Begiristain, Man City’s director of football, when asked for comment on the ban. “I thought it was just for decoration. Like a large statue or a bird feeder. I offer the Premier League my personal assurance that we will clear the rest of these kids out of there and we’ll do it quickly. That facility cost a lot of money and we don’t want any children messing it up.”

Asked if the ban will impact Pep Guardiola’s plans for the first team, Begiristain said, “Not at all. We’ll just spend a lot of money on the fully developed products of other clubs’ academies like we always do.”

Football is so easy for Dele Alli that he spends his time perfecting ridiculous handshakes

Devoting time to an actual challenge


Dele Alli opened the scoring in Spurs’ 4–0 win over Watford and he celebrated by carrying out an absurdly intricate handshake with Son Heung-Min, who went on to have a brace of his own.

Alli also has a different, yet equally absurd handshake with Harry Kane.

And yes, this is something these guys work on during training.

Some buzzkills might say that investing time in learning such an elaborate handshake is irresponsible, but what else is Alli supposed to do? Work on his shooting? He won last season’s PFA Young Player of the Year award and now has 16 goals in 30 Premier League appearances this season. And he’s still just 20 years old. Clearly, Dele Alli has this football business figured out. So why spend time on something that’s actually a challenge like these handshakes?

Maybe if Leo Messi was better at football he’d have time to come up with fun handshakes, too.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Arsenal fan civil war reaches physical violence and van propaganda stage

A textbook escalation in an increasingly bizarre conflict


Following the air battle over The Hawthorns, it was only a matter of time before the Wenger Wars escalated into a ground assault. I just don’t think anyone anticipated it would involve a van.

Prior to Sunday’s 2–2 draw with Man City, a fan bearing anti-Wenger messages was hired to drive around London.

This coincided with protest instructions being handed out to fans. Instructions that advised people to reply to every single thing Arsenal tweet with anti-Wenger hashtags and to tweet at the club’s sponsors. Because annoying Europcar’s social media manager is really going to get Wenger sacked.

After the match, things got even uglier when Arsenal fans attacked the production of ArsenalFanTV, convinced that the independent YouTube channel has been profiting by fueling animosities between the “Wenger in” and “Wenger out” factions.

https://twitter.com/EnekaQuamina/status/848633126985367554/video/1

Though it may seem like all of this is being orchestrated as part of a new Sacha Baron Cohen film, I’m afraid it’s all too real. It’s only a matter of time until someone ends up in the hospital after going on Facebook Live and threatening to hold their breath until Wenger leaves the club.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s violent draw with Man United

A passionate perspective on a controversial match

(Premier League)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR DRAW WITH MAN UNITED IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. TYRONE MINGS STOMPING ON ZLATAN’S HEAD—BEFORE EVERY MATCH I TRY TO PUMP UP MY TEAMMATES BY SHOUTING “LET’S STOMP SOME HEADS!!!!!!!!!!” I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW THAT I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH NOW THAT TYRONE MINGS HAS ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT I WOULD PROBABLY BE FOUND LIABLE IN A COURT OF LAW AND NOW I’LL HAVE TO HAND OUT A WRITTEN DISCLAIMER EVERY TIME I SAY IT IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANKS TYRONE!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN THAT AS SARCASTICALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN ELBOWING MINGS IN THE HEAD—I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASSAULT MY TEAMMATES BUT I’M ALSO A BIG ADVOCATE FOR REVENGE SO I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! ZLATAN LATER SAID THAT TYRONE “JUMPED INTO MY ELBOW” AND THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO!!!!!!!!!! I’VE HAD MANY THINGS JUMP INTO MY ELBOW OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!! MAINLY BEARS AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I’M BANNED FROM EVERY ZOO ON MAINLAND EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JOSE MOURINHO SAYING THINGS TO TYRONE MINGS—MOURINHO WAS SO DETERMINED TO STICK HIS BEAK INTO THE WAR BETWEEN TYRONE AND ZLATAN THAT HE BUMPED INTO ME IN THE TUNNEL AND DIDN’T EVEN SAY “EXCUSE ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH INSTEAD OF “THE SPECIAL ONE” HE SHOULD BE CALLED “THE ESPECIALLY RUDE ONE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY NOT TO BLEED OUT FROM MY CUTTING WIT MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT THIS CARPET AND IT WAS ON SALE SO I CAN’T RETURN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—BEFORE THE MATCH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME IF I COULD GET HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JUAN MATA!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WOULD TRY BUT ONLY BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT MATA IS AN ELF FROM THE NORTH POLE AND I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO INVESTIGATE HIS MAGICAL PRESENCE MORE CLOSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD I BUMPED INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I SAID “EXCUSE ME” BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL LIKE MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY WE STARTED TALKING AND I ASKED HIM IF HE HAS A SPECIAL POUCH FOR HIS MAGIC DUST OR IF HE JUST KEEPS IT IN A SOCK OR SOMETHING AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN HE SHOOK MY HAND!!!!!!!! I’M CONVINCED THAT HE DID SOME KIND OF ELFISH MIND TRICK ON ME BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN MY HOUSE DRENCHED IN PAINT THINNER AND THERE WAS BROKEN GLASS IN EVEN MORE PLACES THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT DAY DAN ASKED ME IF I GOT THE AUTOGRAPH AND I SAID “NO DAN I’M SORRY BUT I’LL GET IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!” EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER AND THAT’S WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANY AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!

5. PHIL JONES’ WEIRD FACE—PHIL JONES CONCEDED THE PENALTY THAT ALLOWED US TO EQUALIZE AND OHMYGOD WHY DOES HIS FACE DO SUCH WEIRD THINGS?!??!!? IT’S LIKE IT’S TRYING TO DETACH ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

6. SAVING ZLATAN’S PENALTY ATTEMPT—ZLATAN THINKS HE IS A GOLDEN GOD WITH HIS TAEKWANDO BLACK BELT BUT HIS SHOT WAS NO MATCH THE MARTIAL ARTS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING DOLPHINS FIGHT OVER A BAG OF RAMEN NOODLES IN A DREAM I ONCE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD START TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NECK WITH A DOG TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RETIRING FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL—THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN DURING THE MATCH BUT IT WAS DURING THE SAME WEEK SO I’M INCLUDING IT HERE ANYWAY AND YOU CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALIZED THAT THE TIME SPENT ON INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL IS TIME I COULD BE USING TO ME EFFECTIVELY FIGHT THE CORN MENACE AND ALL IF ITS MANY FAKE VEGETABLE CONSPIRACIES SO I KNEW I HAD TO REFOCUS MY EFFORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAYING FOR POLAND IS GREAT BUT SAVING THE WORLD FROM COBS OF DESTRUCTION IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://whatahowler.com/artur-borucs-rageful-recap-of-bournemouth-s-incredible-comeback-against-liverpool-751fb8950644