And no, it’s not because he’s had his license revoked
Tom waiting for his ride home (Everton FC)
Still just 18 years old, midfielder Tom Davies is establishing himself as a regular in Everton’s squad. He scored the first goal of his young career in January, helping him earn the PFA Fan’s Premier League Player of the Month award. And yet, his mother still drives him to training each day.
Davies discussed this fact with Tubes from Sky Sports. As would be expected from a group of grown men who drive cars worth more than most people’s houses, his teammates apparently rib him about this fact, but Davies is unfazed by it.
“I don’t see nothing wrong with it,” he says with a smile.
Two days after his 36th birthday, Peter Crouch scored his 100th Premier League goal in Stoke’s 1–1 draw with Everton. And to mark the occasion, he brought back one of the game’s most memorable celebrations.
Peter Crouch scored his 100th Premier League goal.
Crouch first did the robot way back in 2006 on England duty and it instantly became a sensation.
Perhaps realizing the importance of keeping people wanting more, Crouch then put the robot away…until his big milestone on Wednesday.
“I’ve been under so much pressure to pull out the robot,” he said after the match. “So to be honest it was a little bit rusty. I think I’ll put that one away now.”
So that’s it. A fitting end to Crouchy’s robot. Now we can only imagine that he went out for nachos after this.
Retired Norway international Brede Hangeland appeared on the Heia Fotboll podcast and shared some truly brilliant tales about modern football’s kings of chill Emmanuel Adebayor and our old pal Dimitar “The Continental” Berbatov.
While discussing the laziest players he came across during his playing days, the former Fulham and Crystal Palace defender shared two anecdotes about Adebayor—one when they were opponents and one when they were teammates at Palace. First, a tale I’m calling “A Valued Opinion” (via ESPN):
“This was incredible … Fulham was attacking and I was standing by the halfway line marking Adebayor, and he says to me: ‘Ah, I’m hungry,’” Hangeland said. “I said, ‘What?’ He said ‘I’m hungry. I can’t wait for the game to finish. I want to go to a restaurant. Do you know a good restaurant in London, Hangeland?’ In all my years, I’ve never had the kind of conversation I had in the centre circle at White Hart Lane.”
This is a stroke of genius from Adebayor for two reasons: 1) He gets a line on a good post-match meal. And 2) He totally mindfucks an opposing defender. This exchange clearly burrowed deep into Hangeland’s head, not just for its strangeness, but for the fact that Adebayor was playing for the home side at the time. This is like if you have a guest to your house and ask them if they can recommend a good restaurant in your neighborhood. While you play Mario Kart against them. It’s going to throw them for a loop.
Hangeland’s second Adebayor story further proves this next-level brilliance.
“When we had strength training, he would sit in the weight room on a chair with a cup of coffee and a muffin,” the Norwegian said. “We knew that he was being paid by three clubs at the same time [Manchester City, Tottenham and Palace] … and he was sitting in the gym drinking coffee.”
Getting paid by three clubs at the same time to drink coffee and eat muffins instead of training. This is a person who has life figured out in a way few people do. But, according to Hangeland, one of those few is Dimitar Berbatov.
“I have never seen a man get so many massages. I’m sure he spent more time getting massages than he did training, guaranteed,” Hangeland said. “Because the guy who would give the massages was a good friend of mine.”
It should come as no surprise that The Berba is someone who enjoys a good, long massage (perhaps using mayonnaise as a sensual body grease). In fact, the only part of this that does surprise me is that he wasn’t smoking while he was being massaged.
Anyway, both Adebayor and Berbatov were members of the Premier League Team of the Year during their careers and Brede Hangeland wasn’t. So let this be a lesson on working hard versus working smart.
Guardiola seems to be heading down a familiar path of discontent
(MCFC)
Man City beat Burnley 2–1 to start the new year, despite going down to 10 men in the 32nd minute with the score still 0–0. Fernandinho was the one sent off—his third red card in his last six appearances across all competitions—and City now lead the Premier League in red cards with four this season.
After the match, Guardiola was responsible for a supremely awkward interview.
City’s indiscipline and Guardiola’s sulky demeanor coincide with an interesting quote from an interview with NBC (via ESPN FC):
“In the moment, I will feel — and I am a little bit in that process — I feel that the end of my career, I will be… [throws up his hands]. I will not be training in the 60 and 65 years old, so…. No, no, no, no.
“Manchester City is three years or maybe longer, but I am still approaching the end of my career, like a manager. I am pretty sure of it.”
It’s an unusual thing for an overwhelmingly successful 45-year-old manager to say, but we have to remember how Guardiola got here.
When Jose Mourinho arrived in Spain seven years ago, Guardiola was in the midst of a heavenly introduction to management. He dominated with a style of his own at a club he loved. It was perfect in every way. Once Mourinho arrived on the scene, Guardiola continued to win trophies, but there was an atmospheric shift. Bad vibes took hold and animosities permeated his idyllic life. This was when Guardiola first adopted the now familiar look of a man subsisting on a diet of spoiled milk.
In 2012, Guardiola walked away from the game and took a year-long sabbatical, living a quiet life with his family in New York. When he returned to work, it was to take charge of Bayern Munich—the best team in the world at the time. This began a three-year spell where he again enjoyed peaceful domination—drinking beers the size of his head at Oktoberfest celebrations and wrapping up Bundesliga titles halfway through the season.
Now he’s at Man City, where not only is Jose Mourinho his neighbor, but there are Jose Mourinhos in the press box and even the stands. Guardiola has gone so far as to take issue with what he views as the selective support of City fans, leading to an odd moment during the match against Burnley when he tried to rally the crowd at the Etihad and was largely ignored.
All of this is exponentially worse than what poisoned his will to continue at Barcelona, which leads to the question of whether another sabbatical, or perhaps something more permanent, is in his near future. Because for as talented as Guardiola is, his temperament is a bit fragile. And given his team’s disciplinary troubles, it seems to be rubbing off on them, too.
Meanwhile, as Mourinho gets to grips with Man United and now has them just three points behind City, he finds himself in the position of Jon Lovitz’s character in The Wedding Singer.
As if playing for Sunderland wasn’t embarrassing enough…
The little known third Wet Bandit: John O’Shea
Liverpool seem to have inspired other Premier League clubs to subject their players to the public humiliation of trying to act on video, and now Sunderland have tried to pull off the concept with a festive twist.
When you watch this video, it immediately becomes clear that at least some of these guys have seen the films they’re referencing and a few don’t even know what they’re being asked to say.
So that clearly didn’t go well. Maybe that’s what Spurs enlisted Mark Wahlberg to help former captain turned club ambassador Ledley King carry out a similar activity.
It’s only a matter of time before Premier League footballers pool their money and buy YouTube just so they can shut it down and never have to be subjected to this kind of thing ever again.
Man City midfielder Ilkay Gundogan suffered a knee injury earlier in the week, bringing his first season with the club to a premature end. This has undoubtedly been a difficult situation to process for Gundogan, so before Sunday’s match against Arsenal, his teammates lined up in his №8 shirt as a show of solidarity.
It was a lovely gesture, but it also created a bit of confusion since this level of tribute is usually reserved for someone who suffered a bit more than an injured knee.
Regardless of Gundogan’s status, the desire to honor him seemed to galvanize City, as they came back from a 1–0 halftime deficit to beat Arsenal 2–1. After the match, Gundogan expressed his appreciation on Twitter and also took the opportunity to assure every that he is still alive.
Thanks to my teammates ??? & of course – congrats to my boys to this crucial win against #AFC? PS: Don't worry – I'm still alive ? #MCIARSpic.twitter.com/det9q7C8Wp
Meanwhile, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain had to come off 13 minutes after entering the match due to a muscle injury, so look for Arsenal to build a statue for him outside the Emirates to try and inspire a Boxing Day win against West Brom.
A 76th-minute penalty from Mark Noble gave West Ham a 1–0 win over Hull City, but according to West Ham supporters, the man of the match wasn’t Noble or any other human being. It was The Post.
MAN OF THE MATCH: Cast your vote for today's Hammer of the Match for today's 1-0 win over @HullCity now!#COYI#WHUHUL
Prior to their visit to east London, Hull had hit the woodwork three times in 16 matches. On Saturday, they doubled that tally in 90 minutes.
It’s been a difficult season for The Post, with the Hammers’ move to London Stadium, but it’s finding its form at a good time. Now West Ham just have to hope that it doesn’t put in a transfer request when the window opens in January. Rumor has it Man City might put in a bid.
Beating Stoke is great, but earning a new coffee machine is far, far better
(Arsenal/Twitter)
Theo Walcott scored Arsenal’s first goal in their 3–1 come from behind win against Stoke. It was his 10th of the season, the 100th of his career and it put Arsenal top of the table, but the aspect of this occasion that he was most excited about was the prize it earned him.
No, it wasn’t a goal bonus written into his contract and worth millions of pounds—it was a deal he made with his wife Melanie earlier this season. Last month, Walcott revealed the arrangement. He told reporters (via the Independent): “She said ‘If you get 10 goals before Christmas I’ll buy you this coffee machine.’ So I can’t wait for that and hopefully it will happen.”
It’s worth noting that Walcott hasn’t scored more than nine goals since the 2012/13 season, when he had a career high 21. This is partly down to the injuries that have dogged him, but last season he managed just nine in 42 appearances. Maybe his wife will promise him a new blender if he reaches 20 by the end of the season.
Mourinho pays tribute to his personal hero, Arsene Wenger
(SportsJoe.ie)
Jose Mourinho was sent off for the second time this season after he kicked a water bottle when Paul Pogba was booked for diving in the first half of Man United’s 1–1 draw with West Ham. In fairness to Mourinho, it definitely could have looked like a bookable challenge from his angle on the touchline, but it wasn’t and now he’s been sent off at Old Trafford as many times as he’s won there this season.
The action that got Mourinho sent off this time, however, might have been inspired by his favorite person in the world, Arsene Wenger. Back in 2009, Wenger was also famously punished for kicking a water bottle at Old Trafford. Surely this was just Mourinho’s latest attempt to be more like the man he once labeled an “expert in failure.” It would certainly explain the last two seasons of his career.
Mourinho has now fallen behind a pace that got David Moyes sacked in April of his first and only season in charge at Man United. Under Mourinho, the Red Devils are currently sixth in the Premier League and closer to 18th-place Hull City (nine points ahead) than first-place Chelsea (11 points back).
Mourinho 2 points worse than Moyes was at this point in the season and United have spent $615m since they fired DM. Yikes.
On the bright side, Man United are undefeated when Mourinho gets sent to the stands (they drew 0–0 with Burnley in October the first time it happened). So maybe he should do this more often?
The American makes history and blows the mind of a BBC writer in the process
(Swansea City)
It took six matches, but the first American manager in the Premier League finally became the first American manager to win in the Premier League as Bob Bradley led Swansea City to an absurd 5–4 victory of Crystal Palace.
If Bradley was ever going to get a win with his abysmal Swans, it was going to be against Palace, who had lost all of their previous five matches. But Wilfried Zaha opened the scoring for Palace in the 15th minute. Gylfi Sigurdsson equalized in the 36th minute and Leroy Fer put Swansea up 3–1 with two goals in two minutes after the break. James Tomkins got one back for Palace in the 75th minute and then the match took a hard turn into the depths of madness.
A Jack Cork own goal made it 3–3 in the 82nd minute and Christian Benteke put Palace up 4–3 in the 84th minute. At this point, a last-place club that just squandered a 3–1 lead thanks in part to an own goal would’ve rolled over and died, but Bradley’s squad didn’t do that. And what happened next blew the mind of BBC minute by minute writer Saj Chowdhury and everyone else who saw it.
After the match, Bradley was full of praise for his players.
“It’s been a difficult season so far, there have been a lot of things that just didn’t bounce the right way and we have just come off that crazy late goal at Everton.
“But the players still show up every day with a really good mentality. I love working with them and I couldn’t be happier for them.”
Swansea City are exceptionally bad, but you can’t say they’re boring.
