Tag: Russia

Bert’s highlights from the first day of the 2018 World Cup

Looks like a knockoff Chinese board game you buy at Poundland for a slow kid.

The World Cup has supposedly begun and it turns out those shite songs were a good indication of what we’re in for. They had an opening ceremony that was worse than a school pageant involving one of my 18-kids and then FIFA let Russia execute a bunch of Saudis for Vladimir Putin’s enjoyment.

There were only a few memorable moments from this mess. Here they are:

Morrissey giving the whole world the finger

Fuck you too, Morrissey

Dressing like a Russian mob boss was a nice touch. One time I wore a leopard suit on a night out with Alex Ferguson. He said he didn’t want to be seen with me dressed like that, so he made me go home and eat an entire jar of horseradish. He didn’t make me eat the horseradish, I just did that because I’m always up for a challenge. Even when no one challenges me. Mark of a winner.

Infantino and Putin being like “Russia sent the most prozzies to FIFA eight years ago so they get to host the tournament and do whatever they want—oh well”

“Sorry, Saudi man. Vlad makes the rules here.”

When Russia scored the first of their eight million goals against the blades of grass Saudi Arabia calls a football team, Infantino and Putin both shrugged in unison at the Prince of Arabia. Two bald chancers who know that the prince knows they’re up to no good and simply don’t give a shit. FIFA and Russia. They go together like alcohol and more alcohol.

Putin and the Prince deciding to wank Infantino at the same time

Two hands are better than one. Even if they belong to a couple of arseholes.

The World Cup is decadent and depraved and to prove it, Putin and the prince decided to put aside their differences and literally wank Infantino in front of a whole stadium full of people. Look at the expression on old Johnny Fants. He’s absolutely loving it. He’s the rancid mayonnaise in a despot sandwich. One day when he’s in exile like that pruney fartbox Sepp Blatter, he’ll think back on this moment and cry…alone…in a Swiss chalet…while Blatter eats the last sausage roll.

And that was it. That was all the highlights of the first day of the fucking World Cup. Just a washed up singer giving a camera the bird and three tyrants stroking each other off both literally and figuratively. What a disgrace.

Russia has a nerdy robot to protect English fans from hooligans at the World Cup

The hooligans will be too busy laughing to beat anyone up


This reboot of Short Circuit looks spectacular

The violence perpetrated by roving bands of Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 in France raised serious concerns about what dangers the 2018 World Cup holds for anyone who attends. English fans, in particular, were targeted in France and the Russian hooligans have warned that the World Cup will be a “festival of violence” for them. But the Moscow Technological Institute has come up with a solution: An effete, bowtie wearing robot named AlanTim—a combination of the two least intimidating names in the English language.

“My name is AlanTim, I work as a lecturer in Moscow Technological Institute,” the robot says in the video above. I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection.”

At this point, I laughed so hard that I nearly choked to death.

AlanTim continues: “I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems.”

Again, nearly choked.

“I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on the logical ground, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me.”

Because football hooligans are well known for responding to attempts at peaceful resolutions based on “the logical ground.”

I mean, look at this thing…

The only way AlanTim is going to help English fans in danger is if it shoots lasers from its eyes or takes long enough to be destroyed to let the hooligans’ human targets run away.

There is no way AlanTim survives the 2018 World Cup.

Listen to the Dirty Tackle podcast for more nonsense.

Russian politician thinks hooligan brawls should be a sport

If you’re going to the 2018 World Cup, wear a helmet

(WWE)

The violence perpetrated by Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 bolstered concerns that the issue could be an even larger one at the 2018 World Cup—concerns reinforced by promises that the event will be a “festival of violence.” But one Russian politician, MP for the Liberal Democrat Party Igor Lebedev, has a terrible idea on how to turn these lemons into lemonade.

From PA Sport:

On his party’s website, he said: “Russia could become a pioneer in a new kind of sport. Fans arrive and start picking fights — the call is accepted at the meeting at the stadium … on each side of 20 people, without arms.’’

Lebedev, who is also a member of the Russian Football Union’s executive committee, defended the clash between fans of Russia and England at last year’s European Championship as “normal,’’ adding: “I don’t see anything wrong with the fans fighting.’’

He’s not only an MP, he’s an executive committee member for the Russian Football Union! So if you thought there was a chance the governing body would try and minimize this type of behavior at their big showcase for the world, well, if anything they might do the opposite.

What Lebedev is proposing is like some sort of WWE Royal Rumble, but where all the participants are legitimately trying to maim each other. That said, it would probably be very successful.

Meanwhile, Zenit Saint Petersburg and CSKA Moscow fans fought and even mooned each other during a 0–0 draw on Saturday.

They didn’t adhere to Lebedev’s idea of fighting without weapons, though. Smoke bombs and flares were thrown as a partition mostly kept the two factions apart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3otWQmiWCaY

Buy your tickets to the 2018 World Cup of Violence (…and maybe some football) now.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Football Angel of Doom Mick Jagger denies England win against Russia

It was going so well for England. They played a brilliant and uncharacteristically dynamic first half in their Euro 2016 opener and in the 73rd minute, Eric Dier shocked everyone with a tremendous free kick to break the deadlock.

With Russia looking like the decidedly average side that they are, England looked set to begin their Euros campaign with a win for the first time ever. But— oh shit, is that Mick Jagger in the stands?

Read more

Russian defender smashes car into a pole at 105 mph, escapes with minor injuries

Anzhi Makhachalka defender and Russian international Andrey Yeshchenko ran his Nissan GT-R through a roadside electrical pole at 105 mph. Amazingly, he walked away from the crash.

From the Moscow Times:

Miraculously, Yeshchenko is seen in the video emerging from the wreckage. He later attended a medical examination and doctors declared him to have escaped from the crash with minor injuries, the report said.

The footballer was driving at 170 kilometers an hour at the time of the accident, an unidentified police source was cited as saying by LifeNews.

That means Argentine footballer Ever Banega suffered worse consequences when he forgot to set the handbrake on his car and it rolled over his foot than Yeshchenko did after losing control and hitting a pole at 105 mph. I’m not sure if there’s a lesson in that.