Tag: Sepp Blatter

New FIFA president might be Sepp Blatter’s love child

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UEFA secretary general Gianni Infantino (the bald guy who drags out Champions League draws to excruciating lengths) has been elected the new president of FIFA, completing a rapid ascent to the top of the football pyramid made possible by the suspensions of Sepp Blatter and former UEFA boss Michel Platini.

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The most deluded quotes from Sepp Blatter’s suspension press conference

With a bandage on his cheek to match the metaphorical one on his ego, Sepp Blatter conducted a rambling and typically bizarre press conference after being given an eight-year ban (along with Michel Platini) by FIFA’s ethics committee. These are the most astoundingly real and supremely Sepp quotes from this hilarious event.

-An early fake-out: “I am sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball. I am sorry that as president of Fifa I am a punching ball. I am sorry for football. I am sorry for the 400+ Fifa members. I’m sorry. I am sorry about how I am treated in this world of humanitarian qualities.”

-You don’t say: “The decision has created a lot of collateral damage, my family was mocked.”

-Dumber than they look: “Inside FIFA people could not understand why the president was suspended.”

-Case closed: “There might have been an administrative error, but this was nothing to do with the ethics. This cannot be proven. If it cannot be proven, then it cannot be guilty.”

-An important distinction: “I have never cheated with money.”

-Fingers in his ears: “This committee has no right to go against the president of FIFA. The president can only be removed by the congress. Even suspended, I am still the president. I regret, but I am not ashamed.”

-A parting threat: “I’ll be back.”

FIFA’s official website tries to downplay Blatter, Platini, and Valcke bans

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In a historic decision, FIFA president Sepp Blatter, vice president Michel Platini, and FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke have all been suspended for 90 days by the FIFA ethics committee. This is obviously huge news that could mean Blatter has already slithered out his final day in office, but you wouldn’t get any of that from the hilariously vague headline that FIFA’s official website used to announce the news.

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How to make it in Swiss prison if you’re Sepp Blatter

It’s finally happened. A criminal investigation against Sepp Blatter has been opened by Swiss authorities over mismanagement of funds and a “disloyal payment” to UEFA president Michel Platini.

According to the Independent, he could go to jail for up to five years for the criminal mismanagement charge. Although there’s a long way to go before that happens, it might be time for Sepp to formulate a prison plan just in case. So in the interest of helping someone who has done so much to further his own interests in football, we here at Dirty Tackle have a few tips that Blatter might find useful in the can.

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Sepp Blatter won’t attend Women’s World Cup final because…reasons…personal reasons

Not usually one to miss out on a chance to be at the center of a major FIFA event, Sepp Blatter has decided to skip the Women’s World Cup final in Canada due to “personal reasons.” This comes after FIFA general secretary Jerome Valcke, skipped the tournament’s opening ceremony in the wake of several top FIFA officials were hit with indictments and extraditions proceedings by Canada’s friendly neighbor to the south.

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Sepp Blatter’s preview of the 2015 Women’s World Cup

Since I, Sepp Blatter, am the godfather of women’s football, there is no one more qualified to tell you everything you need to know about the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup!

Even though the tournament has not yet begun, people are already talking about it with so much excitement that you might think it started last Saturday. That’s how far I have brought women’s football! And that’s one of many reasons why the American authorities should not arrest me.

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