Tag: soccer

If it continued… (Juventus v Real Madrid)

What would’ve happened if the Champions League final didn’t stop when it did

(Real Madrid/Twitter)

Real Madrid became the first club to win 12 European Cups and win the Champions League in consecutive seasons, and they did it in convincing fashion, beating Juventus 4–1. The Italian side got off to a solid start and even produced a spectacular equalizer from Mario Mandzukic after Cristiano Ronaldo scored the first of his two goals. But shortly after the hour mark, Real Madrid scored twice in a span of three minutes. Then, in the 83rd minute, Juan Cuadrado became the first substitute to be sent off in a Champions League final before Real Madrid scored one final goal for good measure.

Though the second half was anti-climactic, we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97’—Cristiano Ronaldo gets into an argument with Real Madrid’s two-goal hero Dee Flection, whom Ronaldo feels is overshadowing him. Flection threatens to go to Barcelona next season and take his close friend Off Sidé will him.

101’—Zlatan Ibrahimovic appears out of nowhere to score a scorpion kick goal from the halfway line just to show Mario Mandzukic who the king of wonder goals really is. The match officials decide the goal is too good to disallow, so they count it for both sides. Juventus 2–5 Real Madrid.

103’—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

104’—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

105’—The familiar feeling that he will never win the Champions League overcomes Gigi Buffon, but then he remembers that he’s won eight Serie A titles (10 if you count the two that were revoked), four Coppa Italia titles, one UEFA Cup, and one WORLD FREAKING CUP. He also remembers that he could play for another 25 years if he wants, and saving a penalty from Cristiano Ronaldo’s son in the 2033 Champions League final will be sweet revenge. Sweet revenge, indeed.

108'—Keylor Navas checks over his shoulder for his own personal boogeyman: David De Gea. He is convinced that if he looks in a mirror and says De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job. He is also convinced that if he doesn’t look in a mirror and say De Gea’s name five times, the Spaniard will take his job.

111' — During a brief stoppage in play, Zidane wins the World Series, Dakar Rally, and the WWE Intercontinental Championship belt.

113'—Alvaro Morata checks to make sure no one can see that he’s wearing his Juventus kit underneath his Real Madrid one just incase his former club win the match.

116'—Gonzalo Higuain continues to do nothing.

117'—Luka Modric continues to do everything.

120'—Somehow still on the pitch after getting booked in the first half, Sergio Ramos gets Leonardo Bonucci sent off by punching himself in the head and claiming that Bonucci used telepathic powers to make him do it.

121'—Leonardo Bonucci’s Torino supporting son laughs maniacally.

124'—Sergio Ramos scores by heading in a corner kick just to stay on brand. He then celebrates by putting on an “SR4” crown that he made himself after a particularly inspiring trip to Burger King. Juventus 2–6 Real Madrid.

131'—Realizing that he should do something for the club that spent €90 million on him last summer, Higuain eats Luka Modric whole. Modric lives comfortably inside of Higuain for the duration of the offseason.

133'—Zidane wins the World Chess Championship, the Academy Award for Best Picture, and the Iowa State Fair pie eating contest.

134'—Gareth Bale injures himself adjusting his hair.

136'—Jose Mourinho begins to write a preliminary list of insults for Zidane and Cristiano Ronaldo in preparation for the UEFA Super Cup match between Man United and Real Madrid. He decides that say he would rather win the Europa League once than win the Champions League twice in a row would sufficiently melt their brains enough so Man United can win.

140'—The match is abandoned when opening ceremony performers the Black Eyed Peas reappear, this time with a midriff-bearing Sir Alex Ferguson replacing former member Stacy Ferguson on the song “My Humps,” driving everyone out of the stadium.

Michael Carrick gets his name misspelled, nutmegged by his son at his own testimonial

When a tribute turns into a roast

(Alex Porter/Twitter)

After 11 years with Manchester United, Michael Carrick was given a testimonial on Sunday that reunited him with many of his teammates from the 2008 Champions League winning side. Just because he was the man of the day doesn’t mean Carrick was treated all that special, though. First off, his last name was spelled “Carrtick” on the teamsheet, even though it was spelled correctly at the top of the page and for his brother Graeme, who was listed among the substitutes. (As Jack Grimse points out, Clarence Seedorf’s name was also misspelled.)

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Carrick’s own son, seven-year-old Jacey, nutmegged his old man before the match began. Ice. Cold.

Things would get better for the elder Carrick, though. He went on to score the final goal in a 2–2 draw. Presumably to make up for the previous indignities.

The inevitabilities that led to Real Madrid winning the Champions League (again)

Sometimes life is intensely predictable. This was one of those times.

Real Madrid/Twitter

For the first time ever, the Champions League has been won by the same team two seasons in a row and, of course, it was Real Madrid that did it. What looked to be an evenly matched final at the start turned into a merciless drubbing as Real beat Juventus 4–1, topping Barcelona’s 3–1 win over Juve in the 2015 final in the process. Now, Real Madrid have won the competition 12 times, including three in the last four years.

This seemingly inevitable result was made possible by a bunch of smaller inevitabilities coming true throughout the match. It started with Cristiano Ronaldo scoring the match’s first goal, giving him yet another Champions League record by becoming the first player to score in three different finals. But taking a step back, the mere fact that Real Madrid scored in the match was an inevitability, even against the likes of Gigi Buffon and Juve’s stellar defenders. Real scored in every single match this season. Every single one! That’s an incredible feat that will likely get lost in everything else Los Blancos accomplished this season.

Mario Mandzukic’s equalizer was anything but inevitable, but it still might be used to justify Real Madrid’s bid for David De Gea before the match (De Gea is three inches taller than Keylor Navas and probably would’ve pushed the shot over the crossbar, as a result).

Inevitable: Cristiano Ronaldo immediately trying to top Mandzukic after having his thunder stolen.

However, he did go on to score a second goal in the second half to finish off the match and put him ahead of Leo Messi as the Champions League’s top scorer for the fifth year in a row.

Inevitable: Sergio Ramos getting booked in the 31st minute for a dumb foul. Shyamalan Twist: Sergio Ramos getting someone who is not Sergio Ramos (Juan Cuadrado) sent off in the 84th minute. It turns out you can teach old Ramoses new tricks. And what he did to get Cuadrado sent off certainly was a trick.

Inevitable: The Gonzalo Higuain Cup Final Curse continues, as the striker Juve paid €90 million for last summer once again came up small on the biggest stage. You know Messi was watching this match somewhere, staring at Higuain with a white-knuckled fist and muttering “You better not score, you better not score, you better not score” the whole time. At this point, starting Higuain in a cup final should be considered match fixing.

Inevitable: Gianluigi Buffon failing to win the Champions League. It’s the one trophy that has eluded him over his long and storied career. This might have been his last chance to claim it, but that was said back in 2015, too.

Inevitable: Zidane continuing his managerial dominance. In just 18 months as manager of Real Madrid, he’s won two Champions League titles, La Liga, and the Club World Cup. And to think that before he was given the job, Rafa Benitez as in charge of this team as they were getting disqualified from the Copa del Rey for fielding ineligible players. UEFA needs to investigate Zidane for illegal use of wizardry.

And finally, the greatest inevitability of all, Cristiano Ronaldo’s victory cry:

When Real Madrid ask a question of the universe, the answer is always “SIIIIIIIIIIII!”

There’s going to be a Leo Messi amusement park in China

Like Disney World and LegoLand, but with more tattoos

Leo Messi will become the first footballer with his own amusement park when the Messi Experience Project opens in Nanjing, China. But instead of keeping it to himself like Cartman in that one episode of South Park, he will generously let other people enjoy it, too.

The press release explains:

The MEP project, which is based around an original concept, features the most cutting-edge technology enabling visitors to immerse themselves in all Messi-related activities by combining the latest-generation attractions with areas to play soccer like the pro himself. This is all possible thanks to the very best advances in content and multimedia attractions, all of which come together forming a great natural environment to enjoy the sport.

The MEP will boast over 20 attractions across its 46,000m of indoor facilities, alongside 12.000m2 garden game areas and 25,000m of public space. This project represents a unique global experience, with Messi himself involved via Leo Messi Management, Phoenix Group and Mediapro Group. The complex is set to launch in early 2019.

Specifics on those attractions won’t be made available for a few more weeks, leaving us to guess what they will be.

  • More Than a Rollercoaster (It’s just a rollercoaster, but its operators claim there’s much more to it before you get on.)
  • It’s a Small BarcaWorld (A leisurely boat ride past animatronic versions of Messi and and his many tiny teammates reenacting some of their greatest successes together.)
  • Taxes: The Ride (Fill out all the Spanish tax forms the Messi family tried to ignore for years while locked in a nondescript office for several hours. Don’t mess up, or you’ll have to serve Messi’s prison sentence for him!)
  • Maradona’s Merry-Go-Round (Maradona alternates between praising and berating you as you go ‘round and ‘round!)
  • Mr. Xavi’s Wacky Pitch Game (Make sure the grass is the perfect length and dampness or Mr. Xavi will lecture you on how you are literally killing football!)
  • Punch Gonzalo Higuain in the Face (Test your strength and release your pent up aggression on a Higuain lookalike who has helped Argentina win the same number of trophies as the real Higuain!)
  • Luis Suarez Food Court (Sink your teeth into some delicious treats that may or may not be made from human flesh!)
  • Carlos Tevez’s Tower of Terror (Climb the windy staircase all the way to the top of the tower, where you’ll find Carlos Tevez sitting quietly, then you walk all the way back down!)
  • Arda Turan’s 3D Shoe Dodging Experience (Put on your 3D glasses, sit back, relax, and watch as Arda Turan throws shoes at you for three hours straight!)
  • The Hall of Ambiguous Pique Tweets (Navigate a corridor of mysterious emojis and punctuation from the Real Madrid obsessed mind of Gerard Pique!)
  • Dye Your Own Hair Pavilion (Make regrettable hairstyle choices that you’ll remember forever!)

With this announcement, it’s only a matter of time before Cristiano Ronaldo hastily opens an amusement park of his own on the island of Madeira to go with his airport, hotel, museum, and various statues.

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Arsene Wenger gloats about his new contract

A brief statement from the Arsenal manager after signing his two-year extension

Thought you could get rid of me, did you? With your signs and your plane banners and your Twitter campaigns. Well you tried to fight the zombie apocalypse with water pistols and you lost. Your memes and your YouTube rants have no effect here in Wenger World. Emirates Stadium arose through the sheer force of my frugal will. The only thing that matters here is finishing in fourth place. And even that doesn’t matter anymore. HAHAHAHA!

Perhaps I would have retired if you sniveling ingrates had not awoken my wrath. Insolence of this magnitude deserves smiting. And with this new contract, that is what I will do.

How will I do it, your trembling eyeballs ask?

I will only sign players who even the makers of Football Manager 2017 have never heard of. Ticket prices will rise even further, and the club’s website will broadcast a 24-hour live webcam of our unparalleled and untouched cash reserves as it sits idly forever. I will let Spurs continue to finish above us every season, and once my new contract expires, I will sign another. And another. And another.

I will outlast all of you. Why? Because I am immortal. I am The Highlander. I am the fucking Lizard King of the FA Cup. Bow down before your eternal overlord and repent! REPENT!

Wenger. In.

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Dimitar Berbatov brings back his Godfather impression for scene with his daughter

Promoting a charity match with a bit of humor and creativity

Dimitar Berbatov’s love of The Godfather has been well documented. He’s said he learned English by watching the films, he debuted his exceptional impression of Vito Corleone a few years ago, and he’s even done drawings of the character. During his season without a club, it seems Dimitar has been further refining his “Don Berbatore” character for a scene with his seven-year-old daughter, Dea, to promote an upcoming charity match he’s hosting with Luis Figo.

Berbatov reworks the opening scene of the first Godfather film, where Bonasera the undertaker asks the Don for a favor on the day of his daughter’s wedding. And it’s genuinely quite clever. For example, instead of a cat, The Berba strokes his Premier League golden boot award. Watch:

Another few years without playing football and he’ll probably recreate the whole trilogy. Maybe Francis Coppola will see this and take a stab at a Part IV with Berbatov in the lead role.

Rome flooded with tears after Francesco Totti plays his final match

The Stadio Olimpico is now the world’s third largest body of salt water

Roma ended their season by beating Genoa 3–2 on a Diego Perotti goal in the 90th minute that secured second place in Serie A and a Champions League place next season. But the joy of this success was completely overshadowed by the sadness of Francesco Totti’s farewell after 25 years with his hometown club.

Totti came on in the 54th minute and would’ve scored if Daniele De Rossi didn’t edge him out to the ball in the 74th minute. After the match, there was a special ceremony where Totti symbolically passed his captain’s armband to Mattia Almaviva, the youngest captain in Roma’s youth academy. Mattia was born in 2006, when Totti was already 14 years into his professional career.

Totti was presented with a framed shirt inscribed with a heartfelt message.

And his teammates tossed him in the air one last time.

All the while, everyone in the stadium was crying as if they were living out the ending of Old Yeller.

Totti retires with 706 appearances and 307 goals for Roma across all competitions. He won Serie A in 2001 (and was a runner-up eight times, including this season), the Coppa Italia twice, and the World Cup in 2006 with Italy. He led all of Europe in scoring in 2006/07, and led Serie A in assists three times.

Before his final match, Totti wrote a letter to Roma fans, which was published on the club’s website.

Thank you, Rome.

Thank you to my mother and father, my brother, my relatives and my friends.

Thank you to my wife and to my three children.

I wanted to start from the end — from the goodbyes — because I don’t know if I’ll be able to read these lines.

It is impossible to sum up 28 years in a few sentences.

I’d like to do so with a song or poem, but I can’t write any.

Over the years, I’ve tried to express myself through my feet, which have made everything simpler for me ever since I was a child.

Speaking of childhood, can you guess what my favourite toy was? A football, of course! And it still is today.

At some point in life, you grow up — that’s what I’ve been told and that’s what time has decided.

Damned time.

Back on 17 June 2001, we all wanted time to pass a little more quickly.

We couldn’t wait to hear the referee blow the final whistle.

I still get goose bumps now when I think back to it.

Today, time has come to tap me on the shoulder and say:

‘We have to grow up. As of tomorrow, you’ll be an adult. Take off those shorts and boots because starting today, you are a man. You can no longer enjoy the smell of the grass, the sun on your face as you bear down on the opposition’s goal, the adrenaline consuming you, the joy of celebrating.’

Over the past few months, I’ve asked myself why I’m being awoken from this dream.

Imagine you’re a child having a good dream… and your mother wakes you up to go to school.

You want to keep dreaming… you try to slip back into the dream but you never can.

This time, it’s not a dream, but reality.

And I can no longer slip back in.

I want to dedicate this letter to all of you — to all the children that have supported me.

To the children of yesterday, who have grown up and become parents and to the children of today, who perhaps shout ‘Tottigol’.

I’d like to think that for you, my career has become a fairytale for you to pass on.

It’s really over now.

I’m taking off that jersey for the final time.

I’ll fold it away, even though I’m not ready to say ‘enough’ and perhaps I never will be.

Forgive me for not giving interviews and clarifying my thoughts, but it’s not easy to turn out the light.

I’m afraid. It’s not the same fear you feel when you’re standing in front of the goal, about to take a penalty.

This time, I can’t see what the future looks like through the holes of the net.

Allow me to be afraid.

This time, it’s me who needs you and the love that you’ve always shown me.

With your support, I will succeed in turning the page and throwing myself into a new adventure.

Now, it’s time for me to thank all of the team-mates, coaches, directors, presidents and everyone who has worked alongside me during this time.

To the fans and the Curva Sud, a guiding light for all Romans and Romanisti.

Being born Roman and Romanisti is a privilege.

Being the captain of this team is an honour.

You are — and will always be — my life. I will no longer entertain you with my feet, but my heart will always be there with you.

Now, I will go down the stairs and enter the dressing room that welcomed me as a child and that I now leave as a man.

I’m proud and happy to have given you 28 years of love.

I love you.

Great, now I’m crying, too.

Francesco Totti sits atop his throne at launch of gold 25th anniversary boots

Chelsea attempt to trick Arsenal into keeping Arsene Wenger by letting them win another FA Cup

With the Premier League title already in hand, Antonio Conte plays the long game

(Chelsea/Twitter)

After Arsenal beat Chelsea 3–0 way back in September, their seasons have taken drastically different trajectories. Chelsea went on to methodically reclaim the Premier League title while Arsenal finished outside the top four for the first time in nearly two decades, had calls for their manager to be sacked become the hottest meme both on Earth and in its skies, and were once again booted out of the Champions League by the club (Bayern Munich) rumored to be taking their best and most disgruntled player (Alexis Sanchez).

Given all this, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that Chelsea would complete their double in the FA Cup final and Arsenal would complete their unravelling. But when the two teams took the pitch at Wembley, it quickly became evident that they had both reverted to their September form.

Alexis Sanchez gave Arsenal the lead in just the fourth minute with a goal that should’ve been disallowed for both a handball and offside. But instead of battling back, Chelsea let Arsenal outmuscle them and nearly score several more times before the half. Something was off. (And it wasn’t just Aaron Ramsey.)

In the second half, it became more clear what was happening: Chelsea were purposefully letting a side that has been dramatically inferior for the last eight months win a bit of silverware to try and mask the deep stench of failure with a spritz of success in order to trick them into perpetuating that dramatic inferiority. It’s been rumored for a while now that Arsenal’s board wants to extend Arsene Wenger’s contract, but just haven’t had an opportunity to make that known without starting a meme-riot. A trophy would celebration would be that opportunity, though. And Antonio Conte knew this.

Chelsea’s efforts grew brazen. Victor Moses, already on a yellow card, earned a second for diving and was sent off. For diving. Down to 10 men, it appeared Chelsea’s plan was guaranteed to work. But Wenger’s powers of self-sabotage proved strong. His decision to start David Ospino in goal rather than Petr Cech resulted in Ospino buggling in a Diego Costa shot in the 76th minute to let 10-man Chelsea equalize. This forced the Blues to again risk accusations of blatant match fixing by immediately letting Arsenal score again. This proved to finally be enough for Arsenal and they won 2–1.

The result gives Arsene Wenger a record seven FA Cups—as many as Chelsea have won in their entire history—and a record 13 for Arsenal. Now it could be asked how you could force out a manager who has won the third most important trophy available to him so many times. Conte mission: Accomplished.


Wenger (circled) celebrates his great success alone in the back

But after the match, Wenger cast doubt as to whether he would stay. Before he match, he said he never keeps his medals and trophies, always giving them away to others at the club. After the match, he said he would keep this one.

Of course, this could just be an attempt to trick the “Wenger Out” campaigners into momentarily abandoning their crusade to celebrate this accomplishment before he smites them by signing a lifetime contract.

Deception: The true magic of the FA Cup.

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Paulo Dybala is trying to improve his right foot by using it to write

An unusual training technique from one of the game’s best young players

Juventus/Twitter

Paulo Dybala has already proven himself to be one of the best young players in the world, but that isn’t stopping him from improving his game further. Albeit in a strange way.

In an effort to develop his skills with his right foot, Dybala has started using it like a hand. From Football Italia:

“I’m left-handed, I even brush my teeth with my left hand,” Dybala explained to Il Venerdì.

“I take a pen every day and I try to write, but with my right foot, I put it between my big toe and the little one.

“I work like a crazy person to have more sensitivity and ability. Not just that, I also train with my eyes; to see further, in different directions, to anticipate my opponents and see trajectories.”

By “the little one” does he mean the pinky toe? Because I’m not even sure how you hold a pen between your big toe and pinky toe, let alone write that way. Also, I’m hoping his way of working on his right foot and his eyesight at the same time is to feed himself a crapton of carrots using his foot.

I’m pretty sure these training techniques were suggested to him by Dani Alves as a joke and Dybala was just too respectful to question them.

Anyway, I don’t think I want Paulo Dybala’s autograph anymore.

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Man United complete Treble of Disappointment by winning Europa League

The last trophy Man United had never won, because it used to be beneath them

(Paul Pogba/Twitter)

“I don’t want to win the Europa League. It would be a big disappointment for me. I don’t want my players to feel the Europa League is our competition.”
—Jose Mourinho, July 2013

That’s what Jose Mourinho said after he reclaimed the Chelsea job from nemesis Rafa Benitez, who won the Europa League with the Blues less than a year after they won the Champions League under Roberto Di Matteo. And yet, when Mourinho won the Europa League with the once great Manchester United, beating Ajax’s team of minimum-wage earning 12 year olds 2–0 to claim their last-ditch spot in the Champions League, Mourinho celebrated like he just discovered a cure for cancer that also reverses male pattern baldness.

He even went so far as to insist on raising three fingers, referencing the Treble of Disappointment (the Community Shield, EFL Cup, and Europa League) that he won this season, which is very different from the actual treble Man United won in 1999 of the Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League.

But after two years of embarrassment, Mourinho wasn’t satisfied with ending his superhuman trolling there. In his post-match interview, he added another dig at his rivals, who, unlike him, do not derive pleasure from crushing everyone’s capacity for enjoying the game and then getting a trophy for it at the end.

Though he would certainly prefer to be in the Champions League final, after what Mourinho has endured these last two seasons, this was a living dream for him. From the futile cries of hypocrisy aimed at him to scraping together an absurd claim of treble success to achieving his ultimate goal (Champions League qualification) in a roundabout manner to the jabs at managers who finished higher than him in the Premier League table and yet have nothing to show for it. This went as well as it possibly could have for him and that’s why he celebrated like it.

Meanwhile, an injured Zlatan Ibrahimovic treated the Europa League trophy the way a true champion should: By wearing it like a ridiculous shoe.

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