Fourth-division team arrive for Copa Argentina match wearing superhero masks, beat first-division team
When you’re a fourth division club facing a top-flight side in a cup competition, it’s difficult to intimidate your opponents. So Sacachispas decided to go the other way with it and wear cheap Halloween masks onto the pitch for their Copa Argentina match against Arsenal de Sarandi then pose for their team photo like a bootleg Justice League.
De la cuarta categoría del fútbol pero eliminaron en penales a un equipo de Primera en la #CopaArgentina Superhéroes Sacachispas. ⚽️ https://t.co/3i1OPRHsAE
After witnessing that display of insanity, Arsenal likely had a hard time taking their opponents seriously. So much so that the match ended up going to penalties, where Sacachispas won 6–5.
And that’s why they call it The Beautiful Game. I think.
Spanish federation takes a stand against Bale’s outdated bun
The Spanish football federation (RFEF) is refusing to hand over the Liga trophy to Real Madrid until Gareth Bale adopts a more “professional” hairstyle. Los Blancos became champions of Spain for the first time in five years with a 2–0 win over Malaga on Sunday, but they were not given the trophy. Bale and Luka Modric were both seen asking why the silverware wasn’t present after the match, while Cristiano Ronaldo added that the decision was “a fucking joke.”
“Being a champion means more than just one’s play on the pitch,” said RFEF president Angel Maria Villar. “It also requires a certain level of personal quality. And certain members of Real Madrid’s squad do not display this quality. Of course, I am referring to Gareth Bale and his man bun. This trend has come and gone and yet he still has that droopy bird’s nest atop his head. It’s a blight on Spanish football and we cannot present the club with this trophy until something is done about it. We have informed Real Madrid of this matter and they assure us that it will be dealt with.”
Bale has struggled with injuries this season, scoring seven goals in just 19 appearances for Real Madrid—his lowest totals since he joined the club in 2013. Many experts have speculated that his lingering man bun is to blame.
“Some might say that this is a harsh position for the federation to take, but we have been very lenient in this area,” Villar added. “That nonsense Neymar used to have on his head, Messi’s blond atrocity, everything Ronaldo has done to himself. We have to put our foot down somewhere. And we’re putting it down on Bale’s antiquated hipster hair.”
Real Madrid have been given until the start of the next season to get Bale to change his hairstyle or the trophy will be melted down into a paperweight that will be used to hold down all the complaints filed by Gerard Pique.
Villar concluded: “Look, we know that Bale might be balding under that monstrosity, but that’s totally fine. Some people are bald. No one cares, Gareth. A bald patch is so much better than a man bun. It’s 2017 and everyone agrees on this.”
Lots of strange things have been thrown on the pitch during matches this season alone. Toy pigs, dead rats, a severed bull’s head—but the dozens of plastic dolls Rosario Central fans threw on the pitch during their match against Racing might be the creepiest yet.
Last week, Rosario Central beat their rivals, Newell’s Old Boys, in the Rosario derby. So in their next match, they decided to throw dolls dressed in Newell’s colors onto the pitch midway through the first half of their match against Racing. Because why not?
As a result, it looked like it was raining human babies. Naturally, match officials were forced to halt the match while the dolls were cleared off and everyone received mental health treatment for witnessing this unsettling display.
Anyway, this must have quadrupled the sales of Argentina’s Creepy Generic Baby Doll Company. Congrats to them.
A perfect end to the Chelsea captain’s time with the club
(Chelsea FC)
Chelsea’s final match of the Premier League season meant absolutely nothing. They had already wrapped up the title for the second time in three years, rebounding from a shocking 10th-place finish last season, and their opponents, Sunderland, were bottom of the table and couldn’t have been more relegated.
So, in the 26th minute of this completely meaningless preamble to Chelsea being presented with the trophy, Sunderland played the ball out and №26 John Terry, the most successful captain in Chelsea’s history, exited his final match with the club as his teammates lined up to give him a guard of honor before he was replaced by new captain Gary Cahill.
It was later revealed that Terry himself came up with this choreography and Sunderland manager David Moyes agreed to it before the match, but a little more planning probably should’ve gone into it since it took until the 28th minute for the substitution to actually take place. Chelsea went on to win 5–1 and, for them, the day couldn’t have been more perfect. They became the first top-flight club to get 30 wins in a 38-game season, Spurs finished with a club record 86 points and still finished seven points behind the Blues with Hugo Lloris conceding a goal in a 7–1 win to give the Golden Glove award to Thibaut Courtois, and Arsenal finished fifth—outside of Champions League qualification for the first time in 19 years.
But the Terry moment was what everyone fixated on. To Chelsea fans, it was a deserved and emotional send-off, and to everyone else, it was an insult to the game and an affront on common decency.
TIMES THE GAME: Terry’s farewell farce #tomorrowspaperstoday
This made it the perfect way for John Terry to end his Chelsea career, over which he has endeared himself to supporters and repulsed everyone else in equal measure. An understated and conventional farewell would’ve been totally wrong for someone who has lifted more trophies over his 19 seasons than his club had in 93 years of existence before he joined the team and been stripped of the England captaincy not once, but twice.
To fixate on whether it was right or wrong is to miss the transcendence of this ending to one of the Premier League’s most enduring one-man morality plays. In John Terry’s final moments on the pitch at Stamford Bridge, he reminded supporters why they love him and everyone else why they hate him. He even managed to squeeze in one last FA investigation. Incredible.
All the best bits from Bayern’s Bundesliga victory celebration
(FC Bayern)
A 4–1 win over Freiburg finished off Bayern Munich’s fifth consecutive Bundesliga title and both Philipp Lahm and Xabi Alonso’s career. It also marked the long overdue end of Carlo Ancelotti’s beer-bath virginity.
One final thing you have to see: Manuel Neuer keeping his injured foot elevated while wearing his full kit and waving his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care.
It’s been that kind of season for The Snacking One
The second year of Jose Mourinho’s own personal hell is coming to a close and though he still has the Europa League final to try and salvage some semblance of dignity, his unending misery has made it difficult for him to care about anything at all. So at his press conference on Friday, he placed more importance on eating his snacks than answer questions about how shamefully mediocre his team is from a roomful of people who enjoy needling him.
Watch:
If you come in between Mourinho & his lemon shortcake busquets…. You wait. https://t.co/w2lFl5XtpN
The hooligans will be too busy laughing to beat anyone up
This reboot of Short Circuit looks spectacular
The violence perpetrated by roving bands of Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 in France raised serious concerns about what dangers the 2018 World Cup holds for anyone who attends. English fans, in particular, were targeted in France and the Russian hooligans have warned that the World Cup will be a “festival of violence” for them. But the Moscow Technological Institute has come up with a solution: An effete, bowtie wearing robot named AlanTim—a combination of the two least intimidating names in the English language.
“My name is AlanTim, I work as a lecturer in Moscow Technological Institute,” the robot says in the video above. I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection.”
At this point, I laughed so hard that I nearly choked to death.
AlanTim continues: “I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems.”
Again, nearly choked.
“I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on the logical ground, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me.”
Because football hooligans are well known for responding to attempts at peaceful resolutions based on “the logical ground.”
I mean, look at this thing…
The only way AlanTim is going to help English fans in danger is if it shoots lasers from its eyes or takes long enough to be destroyed to let the hooligans’ human targets run away.
There is no way AlanTim survives the 2018 World Cup.
She put Pep Guardiola in his place, now it’s everyone else’s turn
(DFB)
The Bundesliga will have four new referees next season and one of them is Bibiana Steinhaus, who will be the league’s first woman ref. For anyone familiar with her work, this promotion will seem long overdue. Her credentials (via Reuters):
Bibiana Steinhaus has been a German FA referee since 1999 and taken charge of 80 second division matches since 2007.
She also officiated during the 2011 and 2015 women’s World Cups and the 2012 London Olympics, and will referee the women’s Champions League final in Cardiff on June 1.
Steinhaus, who is also a police officer, is no stranger to the Bundesliga. She’s been a fourth official there for several years, which put her in position to deal with Pep Guardiola’s assholery when he was manager of Bayern. But she wasn’t having any of it.
She’s faced overt sexism in the form of Fortuna Düsseldorf player Kerem Demirbay saying “women have no place in men’s football” after Steinhaus sent him off during a 2. Bundesliga match. He was then made the officiate a girls’ youth match on his day off.
Having gone through experiences like these, she’s very aware of what lies ahead. From the BBC:
“For every referee, whether a man or a woman, it is always a big goal to be able to whistle in the Bundesliga,” she told DFB.de, the German football association’s website.
“I am aware that I will be the first female referee in the Bundesliga and will be closely watched by the media and the public. I am used to this pressure and am convinced I will find my feet quickly.
“I have worked very hard for this in the last few years and suffered a few setbacks.”
With this promotion, I’m hoping she sends Pep a retroactive red card. Don’t mess with The Steinhaus.
Like the Premier League (and La Liga before them), the Bundesliga is introducing sleeve sponsorships. That alone is hugely exciting for you, I’m sure, but Schalke are taking this a step further by implementing new technology that will finally allow fans to pay for food and beverages with their sleeves.
Replica shirts sold with the sleeve patch for online supermarket AllyouneedFresh will include a chip embedded in it that can be used to pay for concessions at the Veltins Arena. Sadly, the shirts worn by players will not include this chip, so they’ll have to carry their wallets if they want to buy a halftime snack.
(Schalke 04/Twitter)
The club’s marketing director says this is a world first that “further underlines our position as a leading innovator within the Bundesliga.” Meanwhile, Bayern Munich have established their own in-stadium currency utilizing payment chips inside trophies they no longer have space for.
Lonely man only wishes he had someone to share the moment with
(AS Monaco/Twitter)
Monaco beat St. Etienne 2–0 to seal their eighth Ligue 1 title and first since 2000, delighting their one fan, Prince Albert II of Monaco.
“It’s been so hard these last 17 years, just waiting for this day,” said the monarch of the tiny, yet incredibly wealthy principality. “Being a prince and the yachts and the incessant luxury. Day after day. It’s been hard. Really, really hard. So to finally have this…it just means so much. And it would’ve meant so much more if there was anyone else in the stadium to see it besides me. High fiving myself in that moment of joy wasn’t as rewarding as I thought it would be.”
Monaco have had one of the most exciting young squads in Europe this season and they proved that not just domestically, but by reaching the Champions League semifinal, as well. Yet their average attendance of 1 is the lowest in France’s top flight.
“It upsets me that no one else attends the matches,” Prince Albert added. “Especially since I own the club. Do I own the club? I probably own the club.”
Monaco has a population of less than 40,000 people and the sixth highest GDP per capita in the world. Their stadium, the Stade Louis II, has 18,523 seats — 18,522 of which have never been used.
“I’ve invited the Monacans to attend matches many times, but they’re too busy being being rich,” Prince Albert continued. “They are my subjects, so I guess I could order them to attend, but it’s no fun watching football with people who don’t want to be there. It would be like going to an Arsenal match. No one wants that.”
Despite being so alone, Prince Albert remains hopeful that Monaco’s style of play will bring new fans to their matches.
“Falcao had a great season, but he is getting older. Maybe when he retires he’ll stick around and attend matches with me. We could high five each other when the team wins. It would be a dream come true.”
