An overconfident man with one simple tactic that no one else has ever thought of
(Sunderland/Twitter)
David Moyes celebrated his birthday on Tuesday by revealing a long overlooked secret to footballing success that will surely lift Sunderland out of last place in the Premier League.
DM: "We have played well in recent games. We have had good moments. We need to stop conceding and score more.
Yes, “stop conceding and score more.” Why didn’t he try this sooner?!?!
With insight like this it’s no wonder The Black Cats have achieved so much.
Of course, some misguided souls have been quick to blame Moyes for Sunderland’s abject failure this season, but David Moyes is not one of them. From the Sunderland Echo after their 2–2 draw with West Ham earlier this month:
When asked if he questioned himself when sections of the support turned on him, he added: “I just remember to myself I have the third or fourth best win record in the Premier League.”
That is a downright Sherwoodian statement that conveniently glosses over his stint at Man United and completely leaves out his disastrous spell with Real Sociedad. But that’s exactly the type of confidence you should expect from a man who probably tells cab drivers that they’ll reach their destination faster if they press down on the pedal harder.
Lionel Messi chooses a good time to score his 500th Barcelona goal
For the second time in four days, Lionel Messi laid on the ground bleeding from his face during the first half of a match. Like Juventus before them, Real Madrid seemed determined to destroy Messi. And an unpunished elbow to the mouth from Marcelo nearly did the trick.
But, as he always does, Messi got up and played on. Fourteen minutes later, he scored his first goal of the day to make it 1–1. After a bit more abuse, and with Barca up 2–1, Sergio Ramos aimed a two-footed lunge at Messi to extend his club record for red cards and reduce Madrid to 10 men in the 77th minute.
Having survived all of this, Messi decided it was time for revenge. So, with considerable help from Sergi Roberto, he crushed the home side’s euphoria from James Rodriguez’s short-handed equalizer in the 85th minute by scoring a winner in the second minute of injury time. Not only did this goal put Barca above Real in the table, it also happened to be Messi’s 500th goal for the Blaugrana. He then celebrated in very un-Messi-like fashion by completely removing his shirt and calmly holding it up to the Bernabeu crowd.
He went from this:
Messi was the greatest also with this at his mouth…
Of course, he was shown a yellow card for taking off his shirt, but it was totally worth it. Also, with all the blood loss, he probably thought he was at the dry cleaners at that point and the card was his receipt.
In a battle of underachievers, Arsenal come out on top
Sitting seventh in the Premier League and the subject of an international meme calling for his dismissal, Arsene Wenger hasn’t had much to celebrate this season. So when Arsenal beat fellow high-profile disappointments Man City in the FA Cup semifinals, Wenger couldn’t help but briefly celebrate like he just blew up the Death Star.
In actuality, he just took a little more air out of the already deflated reputation of the once infallible Pep Guardiola, who, it should be noted, still occupies Wenger’s beloved fourth place in the Premier League while, again, Arsenal are in seventh.
Kun Aguero opened the scoring for City in the second half, but Nacho Monreal equalized for Arsenal soon after. The two underwhelming sides then plodded into extra time, where Alexis Sanchez issued a “For the love of God, get me out of here!” plea in the form of a 101st-minute winner.
From Wenger’s reaction to the victory, you might think that Arsenal would be facing a non-league team for the third time in the last four rounds (this isn’t counting Man City, who only play like a non-league side occasionally) come the final, but they’ll actually face Chelsea. And Didier Drogba has already threatened to return to England so he can continue to terrorize them.
Dear @PHXRisingFC I'll be off on loan with @ChelseaFC for two days 26/27th of May, just to make it 17/17 against #afc #IswearIBeBack #banter
But enough negativity. This was Arsene’s day. We should let him enjoy it. Because when your world is crumbling around you, it’s moments like this that prevent you from strangling Hector Bellerin for embarrassing everyone with his James Franco cosplay hairdo.
I’m not sure this is what they meant by “magic of the FA Cup”
Spurs played about as well as a team can play while still conceding four goals in their 4–2 FA Cup semifinal loss to Chelsea, but they were simply no match for the absurdities of the second half.
Willian twice put Chelsea up a goal in the first half—initially with a free kick, then with a penalty—but Spurs showed their newfound tenacity by equalizing each time. This forced Chelsea to get serious and bring Diego Costa and Eden Hazard off the bench, and Hazard put the Blues up 3–2 in the 75th minute.
Given the previous events of this match, the lead didn’t seem safe. Then Nemanja Matic unleashed Thor’s hammer on the crossbar, forcing the poor woodwork to let the ball pass through the very fibers of its being and across the goal line.
Spurs did attempt to cut into the lead with a late Harry Kane free kick, but Thibaut Courtois cast a spell on the ball, making it spin back into his hands just before it could cross the line.
And when that happens, you know that the heavens have already decided the outcome and nothing more can be done to change it.
Spurs have now lost their last SEVEN FA Cup semifinals (1993, 1995, 1999, 2001, 2010, 2012, 2017). But more important than all of that: A meme is born.
On this evidence he might even be better than his dad on set pieces
It wasn’t that long ago that Cristiano Jr. was upsetting his father by declaring his wish to become a goalkeeper one day, but it appears his dad won that argument, because the younger Cristiano was lining up free kicks instead of trying to save them in a recent youth match.
With his father recording the stands, Cristiano Jr. mimicked his dad’s distinctive free kick routine with a wide stance and deep breaths, and he scored.
Soccer’s popularity has grown immensely in the United States and Canada in recent years, but the majority of people in these countries still have no idea who the game’s biggest stars are. Many players, tired of being constantly hassled in their home countries, find this both endearing and refreshing. And new Chicago Fire signing Bastian Schweinsteiger appears to be one of them.
A woman in Toronto asked him for a picture, but she meant for him to take one of her with his teammates. He smiled and obliged.
This poor lady asked for a picture with the @ChicagoFire players…if she only knew Let's get 3 2moro! ⚽️#cf97
Previously in foreign stars going unrecognized in North America, there was the time when the LA Galaxy’s Robbie Keane was labeled an “unidentified fan” in a picture with then teammate David Beckham and comedian Russell Brand.
But this doesn’t just happen here. In a far more shameful example of footballers going unrecognized, there was the time ex-FIFA president Sepp Blatter couldn’t identify Alex Morgan at the 2012 Ballon d’Or gala, even though she was one of three finalists for the evening’s World Player of the Year award.
“I have experienced sexism multiple times, and I’m sure I will a lot more,” she said. “I feel like I’m fighting for female athletes. At the FIFA World Player of the Year event [in 2012], FIFA executives and FIFA president Sepp Blatter didn’t know who I was. And I was being honored as top three in the world. That was pretty shocking.”
An embarrassing mix-up leads to a misdirected tribute
“Uhhh…”
As Santa Fe and Santos prepared to play a Copa Libertadores match, the stadium announcer’s voice came over the PA system and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up and offer this minute of silence in honor of Santos player Ricardo Oliveira.” Everyone stood in silence as a lone bugle played Taps. Including Santos player Ricardo Oliveira, who was on the pitch and very much alive.
The minute of silence was supposed to be for former Santos player Alexandre de Carvalho Kaneco, who died several days earlier, but if anyone realized the mistake in that moment, they didn’t say anything.
After the match, Oliveira was asked about the mistake and said, “Honestly, I didn’t notice.” The match ended in a scoreless draw and Oliveira was substituted in the 70th minute, presumably because he was playing like a ghost out there.
It wasn’t quite revenge for the 2015 Champions League final, but it was impressive
After losing the first leg of their Champions League quarterfinal against Juventus 3–0, Barcelona needed to repeat their dramatic comeback against PSG in the previous round. “If we score the first goal, the second will be scored by the Nou Camp and the third will come by itself,” said Barca manager Luis Enrique before the match. “Our objective is to score five goals."
Instead, they scored exactly zero goals. Juventus didn’t score, either, but they didn’t need to. Leo Messi landed on his head during the first half, opening up a cut on his cheek that made it look like he was crying blood, and that summed up his night.
Maybe Barcelona used up all their magic in the previous round, but this was a performance very unlike them. They had 19 shots, but only one on target in the second leg. They were wasteful in front of goal, which is the one thing you absolutely cannot be when facing the likes of Gigi Buffon, Giorgio Chiellini, and Leonardo Bonucci. But saying that shouldn’t take away from Juve’s performance over the two legs. They jumped out in front by a healthy margin, then prevented themselves from repeating what happened to PSG.
Juve are a formidable side that are definitely capable of lifting the cup at the end of this. That is, of course, if Gonzalo Higuain doesn’t ruin it for them, as he has ruined so many cup finals before. Perhaps Messi would’ve warned them of this had they not dropped him on his head.
Cristiano Ronaldo would appreciate it if Real Madrid fans stop jeering him while he carries the team on his back
A small request from the man giving Madridistas something to cheer
(Real Madrid/Twitter)
Cristiano Ronaldo scored a hat trick (albeit with two goals scored from an offside position) in the second leg of Real Madrid’s Champions League quarterfinal against Bayern Munich to help his side advance and give him a total of five goals over the two legs and a record 100 Champions League goals over his career. And yet, some Real Madrid supporters still whistled him.
“Eh, close enough, I guess.” — The Ref
Everyone gets whistled in Spain, and by Real Madrid fans in particular. It was also just a small segment of the crowd at the Bernabeu that jeered their team’s hero, but it was enough to get Cristiano’s attention and prompted him to speak out after the match.
“I’m not asking them to name streets after me, the only thing I ask is that they don’t boo me here,” Ronaldo told Spanish TV station Antena 3.
“I want them to stop booing me because I always give my best and even when I don’t score I try to help Real Madrid.”
It’s kind of amazing that Cristiano would pay any mind to this amidst such a successful evening. After all, most people in the stadium were loudly supporting him and in the dressing room it was nothing but love specifically for him.
Sid Lowe attempts to explain the whistles and why they might burrow under the skin of Cristiano Ronaldo, football’s ultimate perfectionist. From the Guardian:
Many of Madrid’s fans are entitled and eternally unsatisfied, always wanting more. Especially from Ronaldo: he has set the bar so ludicrously high for so long it is easy to fall short. His “rubbish” is everyone else’s best game ever, their best season, their dream night. Madrid fans want more from his team than they have had: this is his eighth season; they have won one league title — although two Champions Leagues in three years takes some beating and they are on course for another. Somewhere beneath the surface, perhaps that becomes an implicit accusation aimed at him.
But why express this dissatisfaction on the night that Cristiano carried the club past one of the best teams in the world? Finding a rational answer to a question only made significant by Cristiano’s own open interest in it may be impossible. So that leaves us to make some up.
Maybe Gerard Pique bought a bunch of tickets for the match and hired people to jeer Cristiano regardless of what he did.
Maybe the whistlers had recently passed through Cristiano Ronaldo Airport and were unhappy with the dining options on the premises.
Maybe they all had money on Real winning 5–3 on aggregate instead of 6–3.
Maybe they think that whistling Cristiano will motivate him to play even better.
Or maybe they’re Adidas employees (Real Madrid’s kit partner) proving their brand loyalty by targeting Nike’s biggest star.
Who knows. But, in all honesty, if Cristiano did have a choice between getting whistled and having Madrid streets named after him, he’d happily take the streets.
Could Chelsea players falling ill just before facing Man United be a coincidence? No way
Chelsea lost 2–0 to Man United on Sunday in an uncharacteristically poor performance and now it has been revealed that several key Chelsea players were enfeebled by a virus that just so happened to sweep through the team at that time. Clearly this was the result of biological warfare enacted by former Chelsea and current Man United manager Jose Mourinho.
According to the Guardian, the illness forced Marcos Alonso to be withdrawn from the starting XI shortly before kickoff and it affected both Victor Moses, who had to be substituted shortly after halftime, and Diego Costa, who only has a yellow card to show for his 90 minutes of play.
One theory that has been considered by the club is that the bug had spread through the squad at a team bonding meal — one of a number arranged by Conte over the course of the season to strengthen the group — last Thursday evening.
Chelsea's PL record when Marcos Alonso starts: 25 Games. 84% Win Rate. +39 Goal Difference. Not starting: 4 Games. 0% Win Rate. -6 GD.
Another theory is that the man who infected Chelsea with this devastating bug was Jose Mourinho. The motive was certainly there. Not only was he sacked by Chelsea twice despite winning three Premier League titles for the club, but he was beaten 4–0 and called “Judas” by fans upon his return to Stamford Bridge back in October. Obviously Mourinho would’ve wanted revenge enough to take drastic measures to ensure he got it.
But would Mourinho posses a biological agent capable of incapacitating Chelsea’s players? Well how else can you explain Eden Hazard’s performance during the 2015/16 season before Mourinho was sacked? Mourinho must have been testing the virus on him and it proved more powerful than he expected.
There is no other explanation for a season this out of line with the rest of Hazard’s career
So after the match in October, Mourinho decided to use his connections within the club and unleash his secret weapon on the Chelsea players during Conte’s “team bonding meal” in the hopes that it would not only impair them for the match, but turn them against Conte, whose immediate domination of the Premier League has been a source of jealousy for Mourinho, who still sits in fifth place with Man United despite the three points.
If this isn’t what happened, then why was it three of the team’s most important players who were most affected by the illness while John Terry sat on the bench feeling fine? Why didn’t this illness sweep through the team before a match against, say, Burnley? And what was the deal with Thibaut Courtois injuring himself before the match while filming a promotional video for the NBA? Know who attended an NBA game last year? Jose Mourinho.
Lakers vs Suns, the special one is in the house #Mourinho
The evidence is overwhelming, but Mourinho will still get away with his diabolical deed and retain the three points that make up the margin between him and his ultimate nemesis: Arsene Wenger. Coincidence? Not a chance.
