Tag: soccer

Fact checking Chelsea v Man United

Dispelling the myths of an FA Cup quarterfinal match

(Chelsea/Twitter)

Chelsea beat a 10-man Manchester United 1–0 at Stamford Bridge to advance to the FA Cup semifinals at Wembley. Though, for some, this may have been a case of the better and more disciplined team beating a tired and ill-prepared opponent, for many others there were several points of confusion that need to be cleared up.

  1. Jose Mourinho is not a “Judas” to Chelsea—A small group of fans behind the benches decided to curse at Jose Mourinho and call him a “Judas,” apparently upset that he joined Man United after Chelsea sacked him for the second time. He responded by holding up three fingers and pointing to the pitch to remind them that he won three titles at Stamford Bridge.

After the match, he expanded on his hand gestures, saying “They can call me what they want. Until the moment they have a manager that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I’m the number one. When they have somebody that wins four Premier Leagues for them, I become number two. Until then Judas is number one.”

To be clear: Taking the best job available after the club you led to three league titles unceremoniously sacks you not once, but twice, doesn’t make someone a Judas. But all will surely be forgiven when Mourinho returns for his third spell with Chelsea in a few years.

2. Kicking Eden Hazard is not an effective tactical choice—I get why this might have been an attractive idea to Mourinho. With Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Wayne Rooney, and Anthony Martial all unavailable, his own attacking options were limited, and since Hazard was one of the players who completely disappeared last season, getting Mourinho sacked, I can see how kicking the shit out of him serves a vengeful purpose. But it backfired spectacularly. Ander Herrera was booked twice in a span of 15 minutes and was sent off before halftime. Plus it enraged Antonio Conte, and how are the officials supposed to be objective when they’re fearing for their lives?

After the match, Conte said “”We came to play football…but for 25 minutes it was impossible for Eden Hazard to play, because he was kicked. It could be a tactic. I think everyone saw this… Sometimes when you play against a player with a good talent you try to intimidate this player. I think that the referee must protect this type of player.” And when faced with the choice of protecting Hazard or getting eaten like a human meat pie by Antonio Conte, the referee clearly agreed.

3. We don’t have to obsessively mention Paul Pogba’s price tag every time he has a bad match—With the omnipotent exception of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, players often don’t prove their value for a new club in a different league until their second year there, no matter how much they cost. This is something everyone should know at this point. And yet, whenever Pogba has a bad match in his first season back in the Premier League after four in Italy, his transfer fee gets parroted and unfavorably compared as if Man United paid €105 million explicitly for that one match and that one match only.

Remember when Man United signed David De Gea? During his first season with the club, he was mercilessly skewered and written off as one of the worst goalkeepers of all time. Now he’s the only reason Man United didn’t lose this match by more.

4. N’Golo Kante is not “equivalent to two midfielders,” he’s just one really good N’Golo Kante and he not only deserves the next Ballon d’Or, but all the ones Messi and Ronaldo have already won should be handed over to him out of respect for his undervalued contributions*—He’s also definitely better than Ander Herrera.

*The second half of this statement technically isn’t a fact, but a correct opinion.

5. Marcos Rojo was lucky not to get sent off—Clearly the officials let this slide in an attempt to cover for their anti-Man United agenda. Or something.

6. Kante and De Gea are both extremely good—It needs to be repeated.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Lincoln City cleaned their dressing room after 5–0 loss to Arsenal

The manners of the FA Cup

(Arsenal/Twitter)

Lincoln City became the first non-league club to reach the FA Cup quarterfinals in 103 years and their reward was a visit to Emirates Stadium to play against Arsenal. They kept the dream alive by keeping the score at 0–0 until just before halftime, then they lost 5–0 and did a bit of cleaning.

https://whatahowler.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-lincoln-city-the-first-non-league-fa-cup-quarterfinalists-in-103-d2cc80df404f

After such a harsh defeat, you might excuse the Imps for leaving their dressing room a little untidy, but manager Danny Cowley wasn’t going to have that. Inspired by the New Zealand rugby team, the former PE teacher believes that good guests clean up after themselves. And Arsenal weren’t prepared for that.

From the Express:

Lincoln representative had stunned Arsenal staff by asking for a vacuum cleaner.

“We always clean the dressing room wherever we go and make sure we leave it as we found it,” Cowley said.

“We conceded at Braintree last season a terrible goal in a pivotal game for us and ended up drawing 1–1 — but we still swept the dressing room.

“The All Blacks call it ‘sweeping the decks’ don’t they? If it is good enough for the All Blacks it’s good enough for us.”

This stands in contrast to how Arsenal left the dressing room on their visit to non-league Sutton in the previous round. They did donate £50,000 to their hosts after beating them, however, and that more than covers the cleaning costs.

Lincoln City’s FA Cup adventure is now over, but the dignity with which they go out is admirable, especially in the wake of Sutton United’s Piegate fiasco. That said, it’s probably just a matter of time before we find out that a bookmaker was offering odds on them cleaning the dressing room.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Memphis Depay scores a goal that has no business being a goal

This just isn’t fair

(Lyon/Twitter)

You know when you’re playing FIFA 17 and you accidentally hit the shoot button in some random part of the pitch and immediately think “Well, that was a waste”? That’s what Memphis Depay did to Lyon in real life against Toulouse, but he actually scored with his absurd shot.

After spinning around with the ball near the halfway line, Memphis launched a no-look shot up into the sky and when it came down, it was in the back of the net.

Here’s another angle:

https://streamable.com/lzvfg

That’s just cruel. Especially since Lyon won 4–0, with Memphis scoring twice. That goalkeeper has a family, man.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Juventus pay for fan to get tattoo of new logo after he got the old one just before the change

I’m not convinced this makes the situation better


Juventus’ soulless new logo didn’t get the best reception when it was unveiled back in January, but one fan had reason to hate it more than everyone else. You see, about a week before Juventus unveiled the new logo, the shirtless man pictured above got a tattoo of the old crest on his back.


This should’ve been enough to turn him into a Torino supporter on the spot, but he was apparently willing to let Juve tattoo their new logo on his arm. The offer of a free tattoo was extended to two other fans who have the old crest on their bodies, as well.

No one seemed too thrilled with the results.


“Is this it? It’s done? You’re sure?”


That’s a guy who promised himself he’d never turn down a free tattoo, but when he saw what they’d be putting on him, he said, “Do it here, on my upper thigh, where no one will ever see it.”

I feel bad for everyone involved in this.


Liga MX officials go on strike after abuse from players

A red card for everyone


The Liga MX season has been halted after officials decided to go on strike over concerns for their own safety. The decision stems from two recent incidents in which players acted aggressively toward referees during Copa MX matches, which the Mexican Referees Association condemned through their official Twitter account while expressing support for the mistreated officials.

In one incident, Club America’s Pablo Aguilar headbutted a referee just after full time of a 1–0 loss to Tijuana.

In the other, Toluca’s Enrique Triverio shoved a referee who had just sent off two of his teammates, earning a red card of his own to put Toluca down to eight men before they ended up losing 3–0 to Morelia in a shootout (one of the players sent off was Toluca’s goalkeeper).

Liga MX suspended Aguilar 10 matches and Triverio eight, but this wasn’t enough to satisfy the match officials’ association. It’s unclear how long the officials will remain on strike, but a strong statement is being made with this act. They’re making it clear that they will not be bullied by players or taken for granted by the league. And if they’re still mistreated once they agree to return to the job, they should probably be allowed to carry pepper spray. That will definitely convince players to keep a safe distance.

UPDATE: Aguilar and Triverio’s suspensions have been dramatically extended to one full year each, presumably in an effort to get the referees back to work. This should do the trick.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Here are several videos PSG fans should not watch

Barca fans celebrating and PSG players foreshadowing their own demise


The fallout from PSG blowing a four-goal lead over Barcelona in the Champions League round of 16 to lose 6–5 on aggregate has been severe. PSG fans waited at the airport so they could heckle the players upon their return to Paris and vandalized their cars. Meanwhile, a video published 24 hours before Barca beat PSG 6–1 in the second leg at the Camp Nou shows that blowing comfortable leads in the Champions League was very much on the minds of the PSG players going into the game.

Teammates Marco Verratti, Julian Draxler, Blaise Matuidi, and Thomas Meunier were filmed eating pizza and having a chat with the topic of conversation being their upcoming match. Matuidi expressed concern that the first 20 minutes would be toughest (the last 10 proved to be much worse) and that the giant pitch would give Neymar an advantage. After concluding that he still thinks they’ll advance, newcomer Julian Draxler planted the seed of doubt by relaying the story of when his Wolfsburg team squandered a 2–0 first-leg lead over Real Madrid. This prompted the PSG old boys to remember when they dropped a 3–1 lead over Chelsea. Needless to say, this was not the best conversation to have at this time.

The final result did provide a number of excellent clips of Barca fans reacting to the incredible comeback, which the club has neatly compiled into two videos that, again, PSG supporters should not watch. Enjoy. Unless you’re a PSG fan.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

If it continued… (Barcelona v PSG)

Building on something that couldn’t get any better

(FC Barrcelona/Twitter)

Barcelona pulled off one of the greatest comebacks of all time, beating PSG 6–1 in the second leg of their Champions League round of 16 tie to overcome a 4–0 death sentence in the first leg and advance on an aggregate score of 6–5. Neymar scored twice in the final minutes to set up Sergi Roberto’s deciding goal in the fifth minute of added time. Even for a club accustomed to creating magic on the pitch like Barcelona, it was a truly incredible feat that may never be topped, but we still have to ask “What if it continued?”

97’—PSG’s Layvin Kurzawa suddenly regrets scoring an own goal in the 40th minute just for the hell of it.

101’—One of Neymar’s critics turns to a friend and says, “I mean, if he really was great he would’ve completed the hat trick…”

102’—Neymar completes his hat trick. The aforementioned critic shakes his head and says, “Of course he does it now that they’re already winning. So overrated.”

109’—Luis Enrique hopes this is enough to make everyone forget when he “accidentally” announced that he’s leaving the club the other day.

114’—Every deity from Zeus to the Flying Spaghetti Monster descends from the heavens, not only proving their existence to skeptics but revealing themselves to be Barcelona fans willing to do anything to please their beloved equal, Andres Iniesta.

115’—Barca fans are so happy that they forget to jeer Andre Gomes.

117’—Luis Suarez dives in the box. As he writhes in supposed pain, Gerard Pique whispers “We’re winning now, you don’t have to do that anymore.” Suarez nods and apologizes to everyone around him for the confusion.

120’—Frustrated by this turn of events, PSG’s owners, the Qatar Investment Authority, announce that all 2022 World Cup stadium projects will be converted into the world’s largest Jamba Juice locations.

125’—The Spanish government launches a criminal investigation into Barcelona, citing the club’s comeback as a strange new method of committing tax fraud.

131’—Liverpool congratulate Barca on providing them with an opportunity to remind everyone of the time they came back from 3–0 down against Milan, which was in the Champions League final, unlike this, which is merely the round of 16.

136’—The PSG players hold a seance in the middle of the pitch to try and summon Zlatan back to save them.

140’—Leo Messi wonders if he’s dreaming, but decides that this must be real life since everything around him isn’t made out of Lego pieces and it’s not raining ice cream.

142’—Pique humps the goalpost.

143’—Inspired by Barcelona’s achievement of the impossible, NASA lands a human beings on Mars after just 10 minutes of formal preparation.

144’—The polar ice caps spontaneously regenerate.

145’—The true meaning of life is discovered.

146’—World peace is achieved.

147’—The match is abandoned when PSG evaporate into a mist of previously unthinkable embarrassment.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Laughing at Arsenal with Alexis Sanchez

Champions League deja vu will give you the giggles


Alexis Sanchez’s frustration with Arsenal’s annual implosion in both the Premier League and Champions League have reached the point where he has now been spotted laughing at his teammates’ ineptitude twice in a span of three days. Sanchez was benched for Arsenal’s 3–1 loss to Liverpool on Saturday after reportedly berating his teammates and storming out of a training session a few days earlier. Though he did start Arsenal’s third consecutive 5–1 loss to Bayern Munich in the Champions League (yes, third), he was taken off in the 73rd minute, giving him a chance to sit on the bench with unused Champions League winner Petr Cech and giggle into his hand.

So what was so funny? The following is a transcript of what he told Cech.

Hey Petr, you know what time it is? It’s 1o to. Get it? Because they’re beating us 10–2 on aggregate and that’s also a way people say the time of day. OK, OK, I didn’t make that one up—I got it from Bayern’s Twitter account.

Seven years in a row this club has gone out of the Champions League in the round of 16 now. It’s like watching the movie Groundhog Day, but without the main character who eventually learns something. Get it, Petr? Because Wenger keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. You haven’t seen Groundhog Day? Bill Murray? No? Well, don’t bother, because you’re living it right now. Am I right or am I right? Right. Right. Right. Hahaha no, I’m just joking. We’ve gotta laugh to keep from crying like Wenger when he sees a starting XI without Coquelin in it. Hey-ooooo!

Oh this is rough. But at least Xhaka got his yellow card, so he can go home happy. Maybe if I promise to buy Walcott a juicer he’ll score eight more goals in the next five minutes. Get it? Because he was all excited to get a coffee maker for scoring 10 goals before Christmas and then once he got it he completely stopped scoring in the Premier League. What a hump. And don’t get me started on Özil. It’d be better to have Walcott’s coffee maker out there. At least a coffee maker does something. Petr, get it? Because Özil doesn’t do anything. Haha it’s funny because I won’t be here next year to suffer through this all over again.

Anyway, I’m just upset that I didn’t think to get sent off like Koscielny so I could go back to the dressing room and scream into a pillow until the pain of existing in this prison of failure melts away. Ha. Man, do I hate everyone. Except you, Petr…except you.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Atlanta United made their man of the match hammer a spike after inaugural loss

Manual labor is the reward?


There was some good and some bad about Atlanta United’s first ever MLS match on Sunday night. The good: they had more than 55,000 fans in attendance and held a 1–0 lead over the New York Red Bulls deep into the second half. The bad: they ended up losing 2–1 on an own goal, had their first ever red card, and some of their fans decided to adopt the “puto” chant in a misguided attempt to mimic the atmosphere of more established footballing cultures.

Then there was the strange. After the match, Argentine midfielder Yamil Asad, who scored the club’s first goal, had to hammer a spike as his “reward” for being named Man of the Match (even though Atlanta lost).

Atlanta are trying to build a mythos around the railroad spike the way the Portland Timbers have around lumberjacks cutting up logs with a chainsaw. They put together this video to explain the “golden spike” concept:

And before the match, local rapper Yung Joc used a much larger hammer on a much larger spike.

But having the man of the match use a tiny hammer on a tiny spike doesn’t quite have the same effect as a dude carving up a chunk of wood with a chainsaw. Also, it’s only a matter of time before a player smashes their finger with the hammer and purposefully avoids performing well so they never have to do it again. The concept needs work.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Artur Boruc’s rageful recap of Bournemouth’s violent draw with Man United

A passionate perspective on a controversial match

(Premier League)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN OUR DRAW WITH MAN UNITED IN DESCENDING ORDER OF HOW ANGRY THEY MADE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1. TYRONE MINGS STOMPING ON ZLATAN’S HEAD—BEFORE EVERY MATCH I TRY TO PUMP UP MY TEAMMATES BY SHOUTING “LET’S STOMP SOME HEADS!!!!!!!!!!” I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW THAT I WAS SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY BUT APPARENTLY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH NOW THAT TYRONE MINGS HAS ACTUALLY GONE AND DONE IT I WOULD PROBABLY BE FOUND LIABLE IN A COURT OF LAW AND NOW I’LL HAVE TO HAND OUT A WRITTEN DISCLAIMER EVERY TIME I SAY IT IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANKS TYRONE!!!!!!!!! AND I MEAN THAT AS SARCASTICALLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ZLATAN ELBOWING MINGS IN THE HEAD—I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASSAULT MY TEAMMATES BUT I’M ALSO A BIG ADVOCATE FOR REVENGE SO I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!! ZLATAN LATER SAID THAT TYRONE “JUMPED INTO MY ELBOW” AND THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO!!!!!!!!!! I’VE HAD MANY THINGS JUMP INTO MY ELBOW OVER THE YEARS!!!!!!!!!! MAINLY BEARS AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHY I’M BANNED FROM EVERY ZOO ON MAINLAND EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. JOSE MOURINHO SAYING THINGS TO TYRONE MINGS—MOURINHO WAS SO DETERMINED TO STICK HIS BEAK INTO THE WAR BETWEEN TYRONE AND ZLATAN THAT HE BUMPED INTO ME IN THE TUNNEL AND DIDN’T EVEN SAY “EXCUSE ME”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH INSTEAD OF “THE SPECIAL ONE” HE SHOULD BE CALLED “THE ESPECIALLY RUDE ONE”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRY NOT TO BLEED OUT FROM MY CUTTING WIT MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!! I JUST GOT THIS CARPET AND IT WAS ON SALE SO I CAN’T RETURN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI—BEFORE THE MATCH MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI ASKED ME IF I COULD GET HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JUAN MATA!!!!!!!!! I SAID I WOULD TRY BUT ONLY BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT MATA IS AN ELF FROM THE NORTH POLE AND I WANTED AN EXCUSE TO INVESTIGATE HIS MAGICAL PRESENCE MORE CLOSELY!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO LEAVE OLD TRAFFORD I BUMPED INTO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I SAID “EXCUSE ME” BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL LIKE MOURINHO!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY WE STARTED TALKING AND I ASKED HIM IF HE HAS A SPECIAL POUCH FOR HIS MAGIC DUST OR IF HE JUST KEEPS IT IN A SOCK OR SOMETHING AND HE LAUGHED AND THEN HE SHOOK MY HAND!!!!!!!! I’M CONVINCED THAT HE DID SOME KIND OF ELFISH MIND TRICK ON ME BECAUSE THE NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN MY HOUSE DRENCHED IN PAINT THINNER AND THERE WAS BROKEN GLASS IN EVEN MORE PLACES THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NEXT DAY DAN ASKED ME IF I GOT THE AUTOGRAPH AND I SAID “NO DAN I’M SORRY BUT I’LL GET IT FOR YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!” EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HAD SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER AND THAT’S WORTH FAR MORE THAN ANY AUTOGRAPH!!!!!!!!!

5. PHIL JONES’ WEIRD FACE—PHIL JONES CONCEDED THE PENALTY THAT ALLOWED US TO EQUALIZE AND OHMYGOD WHY DOES HIS FACE DO SUCH WEIRD THINGS?!??!!? IT’S LIKE IT’S TRYING TO DETACH ITSELF FROM THE REST OF HIS HEAD!!!!!!!!!!

6. SAVING ZLATAN’S PENALTY ATTEMPT—ZLATAN THINKS HE IS A GOLDEN GOD WITH HIS TAEKWANDO BLACK BELT BUT HIS SHOT WAS NO MATCH THE MARTIAL ARTS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING DOLPHINS FIGHT OVER A BAG OF RAMEN NOODLES IN A DREAM I ONCE HAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE I SHOULD START TALKING ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NECK WITH A DOG TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. RETIRING FROM INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL—THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN DURING THE MATCH BUT IT WAS DURING THE SAME WEEK SO I’M INCLUDING IT HERE ANYWAY AND YOU CAN JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALIZED THAT THE TIME SPENT ON INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL IS TIME I COULD BE USING TO ME EFFECTIVELY FIGHT THE CORN MENACE AND ALL IF ITS MANY FAKE VEGETABLE CONSPIRACIES SO I KNEW I HAD TO REFOCUS MY EFFORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLAYING FOR POLAND IS GREAT BUT SAVING THE WORLD FROM COBS OF DESTRUCTION IS BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://whatahowler.com/artur-borucs-rageful-recap-of-bournemouth-s-incredible-comeback-against-liverpool-751fb8950644