An overconfident man with one simple tactic that no one else has ever thought of
(Sunderland/Twitter)
David Moyes celebrated his birthday on Tuesday by revealing a long overlooked secret to footballing success that will surely lift Sunderland out of last place in the Premier League.
DM: "We have played well in recent games. We have had good moments. We need to stop conceding and score more.
Yes, “stop conceding and score more.” Why didn’t he try this sooner?!?!
With insight like this it’s no wonder The Black Cats have achieved so much.
Of course, some misguided souls have been quick to blame Moyes for Sunderland’s abject failure this season, but David Moyes is not one of them. From the Sunderland Echo after their 2–2 draw with West Ham earlier this month:
When asked if he questioned himself when sections of the support turned on him, he added: “I just remember to myself I have the third or fourth best win record in the Premier League.”
That is a downright Sherwoodian statement that conveniently glosses over his stint at Man United and completely leaves out his disastrous spell with Real Sociedad. But that’s exactly the type of confidence you should expect from a man who probably tells cab drivers that they’ll reach their destination faster if they press down on the pedal harder.
The Sunderland manager tries to get back in reporters’ good graces on Good Friday
Sunderland manager David Moyes hasn’t faced any repercussions since it was revealed that he threatened to slap BBC reporter Vicki Sparks after an interview. But in a transparent attempt to buy back the affections of the press, Moyes handed out chocolate eggs after his press conference on Friday.
As with everything else about Sunderland these days, the desperation is palpable.
Listening to people talk about football can be boring, even if it’s a part of your job. Following Barcelona’s 4–2 win over Valencia, one journalist dosed off during Luis Enrique’s press conference. Enrique noticed and ground the question session to a halt, making the sleepy journo the center of attention.
Football matches themselves can be quite boring, too. Especially when they’re played by Sunderland. During Saturday’s match against Burnley, Eve Short, wife of Sunderland owner Ellis Short, was caught drifting off to a dreamland where she was anywhere other than the Stadium of Light by TV cameras.
In her defense, falling asleep is the proper response to a scoreless draw between Sunderland and Burnley. The fact that a person with their eyes closed is more compelling television than what was happening on the pitch is telling.
I think the lesson from these two incidents is to always stay heavily caffeinated at all times.
As if playing for Sunderland wasn’t embarrassing enough…
The little known third Wet Bandit: John O’Shea
Liverpool seem to have inspired other Premier League clubs to subject their players to the public humiliation of trying to act on video, and now Sunderland have tried to pull off the concept with a festive twist.
When you watch this video, it immediately becomes clear that at least some of these guys have seen the films they’re referencing and a few don’t even know what they’re being asked to say.
So that clearly didn’t go well. Maybe that’s what Spurs enlisted Mark Wahlberg to help former captain turned club ambassador Ledley King carry out a similar activity.
It’s only a matter of time before Premier League footballers pool their money and buy YouTube just so they can shut it down and never have to be subjected to this kind of thing ever again.
Sick children try to lift the spirits of the unfortunate souls who play for the Black Cats
(Sunderland/Twitter)
A group of local children’s hospital patients and staff visited Sunderland’s training complex on Monday in an effort to spread some merriment at the relegation threatened club. With 14 points through 17 Premier League matches so far this season, Sunderland currently sit 18th in the table—just two points from the bottom—and were in dire need of cheering up this holiday season. Which is why this group of sick children and their tireless caregivers took pity on the Sunderland players and spent some quality time with them.
“It’s a very difficult time of the year for for footballers to be playing for Sunderland,” said Timmy, age seven. “Visiting the training ground and spending some time with the players and their families is always something the kids enjoy and hopefully we have helped lift their spirits a little. Just seeing the pain in their eyes as they wore their sad ‘I love SAFC’ Christmas jumpers was heartbreaking.”
Samantha, nine, added: “The Sunderland staff do such an—well, I wouldn’t say ‘amazing’ job—but they try their best. And even though that’s not proving to be good enough, it’s great to be able to thank them for all their work and meet the players as they trudge towards relegation. It’s just nice to give something back to the people who need it most. Especially at this time of year.”
The children’s efforts did not go unappreciated, either.
Sunderland manager David Moyes was near tears when a young boy was willing to accept his autograph instead of laughing in his face like most people when he offers. Another child even knew Lee Cattermole’s name.
“It’s been a tough few years for me in particular,” Moyes said after the event, “And though these kids don’t know what it’s like to make millions of pounds despite a growing list of failures, it feels good to know that they care about us as we endure this difficult time in our lives.”
Sunderland have endured an absolutely miserable season thus far, so of course when they finally play well enough to win at home for the first time this season (and just the second time overall), the lights go out during the game.
A power failure at the Stadium of Light (who says the football gods don’t have a sense of humor?) prompted fans to create a beautiful twinkle effect with their phones as Sunderland beat Hull City 3–0 to climb out of last place in the Premier League.
Surely Sunderland fans would’ve preferred this to happen during their 4–1 loss to Arsenal or 3–0 loss to Everton, but it hasn’t been like the Black Cats’ fortunes to enjoy small graces such as that.
The outage also had Sunderland manager David Moyes doing his post-match press conference in the dark, which gave him the opportunity to work in a shot at the assembled journalists in the name of banter.
Finding football difficult, Sunderland reassess their career options
(Sunderland AFC)
Winless through the first 10 matches of their Premier League campaign, embattled Sunderland manager David Moyes and his players went to a local Nissan plant in search of more suitable work.
As for David Moyes, well, he got invited back for a second interview and has a verbal commitment from Nissan that they won’t hire Jose Mourinho instead of him. So, yeah, it was a pretty good day.
Two sad men shake hands in the saddest way possible.
Jose Mourinho and David Moyes are arguably the two saddest managers in the Premier League right now. Mourinho was sent to the stands as his Man United only managed a 0–0 draw with Burnley, leaving them in eighth place while Moyes’ Sunderland remain winless and at the bottom of the table through 10 matches.
Seems that José Mourinho, who was sent to the stands, wasn't the only one whose acca was screwed by Manchester United. pic.twitter.com/34oTJOBDL7
As both men have recently revealed, their workplace troubles have bled into their personal lives, creating an unwanted competition to see who’s sadder.
Mourinho, who is living an isolated existence in a Manchester hotel (perhaps unsure whether he’ll be around long enough to make buying a home worthwhile) while the rest of his family remains in London, told Sky Sports:
“For me, it’s a bit of a disaster because I want sometimes to walk a little bit and I can’t. I just want to cross the bridge and go to a restaurant. I can’t, so it is really bad.
“But I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered, which I do sometimes.”
Meanwhile, David Moyes told reporters that his team’s record has him in a more literally dark place. From Reuters:
“It’s damning, I agree,” Moyes added. “It does make me feel lousy, and I do. I don’t feel good about it but you’ve got to take it. I probably spend Saturday night, and quite often, in a darkened room somewhere.
“Sunday gets a wee bit better, but not much, and hopefully by the time Monday morning comes, you are ready to go again.
“You’ve got to get it out of the system and you are up and running again. And I’ll do that again on Monday.”
It was just a few short years ago that Mourinho said he felt sorry for Moyes in the midst of a brief and terrible spell at Man United that is turning out to be remarkably similar to what Mourinho himself is experiencing there right now.
(Bleacher Report)
Given their shared misery, they should reach out to one another and no longer suffer in solitude. Help each other through this difficult period. Maybe they could silently Facetime while sitting alone their respective darkened rooms, each occasionally muttering Marouane Fellaini’s name. Or they could make plans to start a new football club together. One without owners who will sack you or players who will let you down. One that never loses and exists wherever your family wants to live. It could revolutionize the game! Then the names Mourinho and Moyes will be beloved and synonymous with success once more! Think how wonderful it will be! And then pay the food delivery guy, apologize for holding him up, and close the door before he can ask why there aren’t any lights on and “Mad World” by Tears for Fears keeps playing on repeat.
Prior to Sunderland’s preseason friendly against Hartlepool United, it was widely reported that their manager, Sam Allardyce, was certain to fulfill his dream of becoming manager of the England national team. All eyes were on Allardyce when he took his seat on the bench, but once the match began, Big Sam’s eyes weren’t on the pitch for very long.
It’s been a nightmare season for Sunderland. Their dismal performance on the pitch has been one thing, but Adam Johnson’s pedophilia trial and the subsequent resignation of the club’s chief executive this week has cast an unusually dark cloud over the relegation threatened side. Something had to be done to counterbalance all this negativity. So they’ve signed one of the most joyful forces in the game: the one and only Emmanuel Eboue.
