Tag: USMNT

Christian Pulisic proves he’s just not very good in 2–0 win over Trinidad and Tobago

The 18-year-old “wunderkid” continues to hurt the U.S. national team

After saving face for the U.S. with a second-half equalizer in a friendly against Venezuela last week, Christian Pulisic again did all the scoring in a 2–0 World Cup qualifier win over Trinidad and Tobago. Though his performances have drawn even more sycophantic praise for the 18 year old, a closer look reveals how underserving he is of the lofty praise being heaped upon him.

Here are just a few of the reasons why Pulisic needs to be left off the team going forward:

What happens if he gets hurt? They’re screwed, that’s what. They’re entirely dependent on Pulisic and he’s only 18. If this continues, he’s going to get used to doing it all himself and that’ll breed resentment in his teammates, especially if a player who is truly talented comes along. Also, why does he only set up goals for Clint Dempsey? Is there some kind of quid pro quo going on here? Did Dempsey agree to buy beer for the underage star and his friends whenever he sets him up for a goal? This needs to be investigated.

        • He doesn’t make his teammates better. The greatest players in any team sport elevate their teammates to a higher level just by playing with them. Pulisic doesn’t do this. If anything, he serves as a talent vacuum on the pitch, sucking up every ounce of skill from those around him. Just look at what he did to Alejandro Bedoya:

        • Pele won his first World Cup at 17 years old. Pulisic won’t even PLAY in his first World Cup until he’s 19 years old. This fact speaks for itself. Damning.
        • He makes EVERYONE look bad. What did he do after scoring two goals in a World Cup qualifier? He went and hugged his mom in the stands, reminding every other parent in America that their kid isn’t making money in Europe as a professional athlete (instead of creating mountains of debt by going to college) and demonstrating their gratitude and affection on national television after scoring two goals in a World Cup qualifier. He doesn’t just make his teammates look bad, he makes everyone look bad.

      • He’s probably Big Chocolate’s diabolical attempt to get kids to eat more candy. Pulisic is from Hershey, PA, which was founded along with the candy company of the same name by Milton Hershey in the early 1900s. Having a prominent athlete come from a town inextricably linked to chocolate gives impressionable children and misguided parents the idea that eating as many Hershey products as possible will bring similar athletic success to what Pulisic is achieving. In other words, promoting Christian Pulisic is akin to promoting childhood obesity. Inexcusable.
      • He still hasn’t accepted my Facebook friend request. Who does he think he is?! With an ego that’s already this out of control, he’s going to sabotage his career sooner than later.

There are many more reasons why Pulisic is a complete and total fraud, but it simply isn’t worth wasting anymore words on him. Now, since he is still so young, he could use these criticisms to drive him forward on a path of legitimate success (starting by accepting my friend request), instead of succumbing to the otherwise universal fawning praise being laid at his feet and flaming out like so many promising young footballers before him, but that’s entirely up to him. I have now done my part.

U.S. beat Honduras 6–0 to win 2018 World Cup

A qualifying match that opened up a tangent universe where anything is possible


The United States beat Honduras 6–0 to climb out of last place in CONCACAF World Cup qualifying and win the 2018 World Cup on Friday night. Clint Dempsey led the team with a hat trick in the first qualifier of Bruce Arena’s second go-around as manager after replacing Jurgen “The Human Albatross” Klinsmann.

The LA Galaxy’s Sebastian Lletget opened the goal tsunami in just the fifth minute, scoring the first of his international career for his former club manager before going off with an injury in the 17th minute. Michael Bradley then showed that he can still hurt you when you give him a free shot from distance in the 27th minute, Dempsey scored his hat trick in a span of 22 minutes, and Christian Pulisic scored his fourth international goal at the age of 18 amidst general omnipotence.

With this emphatic victory over mighty, 65th-ranked Honduras, the U.S. win their first ever World Cup title and move up to fourth in the CONCACAF qualifying table, four points behind undefeated and mostly ignored Mexico.

The sudden and drastic swing in form for the U.S. will inevitably be used to validate long-simmering doubts as to whether Klinsmann is even able to tie his own shoes without an adult helping him. He was fired after losing the first two matches of this qualifying round, including a dire 4–0 loss to Costa Rica. Although, in his defense, he did not have Dempsey (who is now just two goals behind Landon Donovan’s team record) available to him, nor did he have young Christian Pulisic in his current form as a Leo Messi/Cristiano Ronaldo/P-Rex, All-Powerful God of Soccer hybrid.

But just as he celebrated when his successor with the German national team won the 2014 World Cup, he now celebrates when his successor with the U.S. national team wins the 2018 World Cup, lending credence to the theory that this is all just part of his grand plan.

Maybe one day we’ll all be able to fully understand what has happened here, but in the meantime, stay tuned for details on the celebratory parade that Klinsmann already had planned out for the occasion.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/

Landon Donovan jumps off a taco truck, nearly gets dropped on his head

U.S. national team rally almost ends in tragedy


With two losses in their first two matches of CONCACAF’s fifth round of World Cup qualifying and a new/old coach now at the helm, the U.S. desperately need a jump start ahead of their match against Honduras. And so, at a rally the night before the qualifier, Landon Donovan decided to offer a very literal jump start by nearly plunging to his death off a taco truck.

The U.S.’s all-time leading goalscorer jumped into the arms of adoring fans, who then dropped him into the ground. Here’s another angle:

Having confirmed that he is once again retired, I guess Donovan is less concerned about risking bodily harm. More importantly, this should clear up any doubts about the validity of Landon’s adventures of epic broportions.


https://upscri.be/16bb19/