The hooligans will be too busy laughing to beat anyone up
This reboot of Short Circuit looks spectacular
The violence perpetrated by roving bands of Russian hooligans at Euro 2016 in France raised serious concerns about what dangers the 2018 World Cup holds for anyone who attends. English fans, in particular, were targeted in France and the Russian hooligans have warned that the World Cup will be a “festival of violence” for them. But the Moscow Technological Institute has come up with a solution: An effete, bowtie wearing robot named AlanTim—a combination of the two least intimidating names in the English language.
“My name is AlanTim, I work as a lecturer in Moscow Technological Institute,” the robot says in the video above. I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection.”
At this point, I laughed so hard that I nearly choked to death.
AlanTim continues: “I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems.”
Again, nearly choked.
“I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on the logical ground, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me.”
Because football hooligans are well known for responding to attempts at peaceful resolutions based on “the logical ground.”
I mean, look at this thing…
The only way AlanTim is going to help English fans in danger is if it shoots lasers from its eyes or takes long enough to be destroyed to let the hooligans’ human targets run away.
There is no way AlanTim survives the 2018 World Cup.
“Yep, this is 100% unethically made” (Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy)
Thanks to their shameful reliance on forced migrant labor, Qatar has completed one of the stadiums to be used at the 2022 World Cup. Unlike Qatar’s other stadiums, The Khalifa International Stadium already existed and was just expanded and upgraded to be the first open-air with a cooling system to prevent fans from literally melting in the Qatar heat.
Approximately 500 jet nozzles will blast out cold air, keeping temperatures at around 23 degrees Celsius (73 degrees Fahrenheit), for fans.
Chilled water is piped to the stadium from a cooling centre about one kilometre from the stadium, then once it arrives,cold air is pushed into the stadium.
The man responsible for the system, Qatar University’s Dr Saud Ghani, said he believed Khalifa represented a world-first.
“There isn’t on earth, one open air, air-conditioned stadium,” he said.
Dr Ghani said the system at Khalifa would use up to 40 per cent less energy than other cooling methods.
The new system will get its first test on Friday when the Khalifa stadium hosts the Emir Cup final. And all it took was horrific working conditions for thousands of laborers who aren’t allowed to go home.
Of course, upgrading one existing stadium is one thing, but building six more from scratch with less than five years to go is something else entirely. Then again, Qatar has already gotten FIFA to move the World Cup to a different season in order to accommodate its harsh climate, so maybe they can get them to move it to a different year entirely in order to accommodate their unpreparedness, too.
Expanding the tournament is a risky move for FIFA, but for everyone else it can’t go wrong
(FIFA/Facebook)
FIFA has officially decided to expand the World Cup to 48 teams starting in 2026. The tournament will have 16 groups of three teams, with two advancing from each group, and likely with group-stage matches decided by a shootout (if necessary) so no match can end in a draw. On the surface, all of this either sounds horrible or brilliant, depending on your perspective.
If your country regularly qualifies for the tournament as it stands, you probably see this as a cash grab that could ruin the world’s most revered sporting event. If your country qualifies infrequently or never, you probably see this as a greater chance to finally get in on the fun of the World Cup. But if you look at this decision more objectively, you’ll see that it’s a win-win situation for everyone except, perhaps, FIFA themselves.
Let’s start by taking an optimistic view. A 48-team World Cup could very well be more of a good thing. Just look at Euro 2016—some of the most memorable aspects of that tournament were the presence of smaller nations that qualified. Regardless of the quality of the teams on the pitch, the fans of Iceland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and Ireland invigorated the atmosphere. Hungary and their 40-year-old, sweatpants wearing goalkeeper delighted everyone. Sure there were some crap matches, but top teams regularly produce crap matches in tournament settings, too. Overall, the good outweighed the bad.
Yes, 48 teams sounds like a lot, but if you told someone the World Cup would expand to its current 32 teams back in 1930 when it had just 16, they would probably have all the same complaints we’re hearing now. The game is still growing and there are still nations improving by leaps and bounds beyond the usual World Cup qualifiers. It’s not inconceivable that in another nine to 13 years and beyond, there could possibly be 48 nations worthy of playing in a World Cup.
Now, that’s the optimistic view. The pessimistic view is that this will tangibly harm the competition. If things go wrong at Russia 2018, and they go wrong at Qatar 2022, an expanded World Cup in 2026 with diminished quality and entertainment value could be the last straw and sour the masses on the tournament once and for all, driving down both attendance and home viewership. But this would also be a good thing (for everyone but FIFA)—arguably even better than if a 48-team World Cup proves to be more enjoyable than a 32-team World Cup.
It’s been firmly established at this point that FIFA is bad. They wield an incomprehensible amount of corrupted power and influence over nations, governments and people, and that power is largely derived from this one, hugely popular tournament. For as much as we complain about FIFA and say that we want to see the world’s game freed from its nefarious grip, we still gleefully submit to it by handing over money, attention, and whatever else they want every time they dangle a World Cup in front of us like a set of shiny keys in front of an infant. As long as we do this, we give them the ability to do as they please.
But if the World Cup becomes just as awful as FIFA itself and people turn away from it, the gravy train will run dry and there will finally be a chance at actual reform within the sport’s governing body. And if FIFA is too stubborn to change, there will be an opening for a new tournament to be created outside of its purview for nations seeking to restore quality to international competition and meet the public demand.
So there you have it. A 48-team World Cup will either mean more Icelands and sweatpants or the death of FIFA as we know it. A win-win situation if ever there was one. Now keep your focus on the more pressing matters of Russia’s roving gangs of government sponsored hooligans and Qatar’s inhumanely treated migrant workers.
The coolest gift for the poorly treated migrant laborer on your holiday list!
From the country that didn’t bring you the solar-powered cooling clouds they promised comes the “innovative” solar-powered cooling helmet for workers constructing the 2022 World Cup stadiums. So all those human rights activists might as well pack it in.
An innovative cooled helmet designed and developed by leading researchers in Qatar has the potential to significantly reduce the skin temperature of construction workers by up to 10 degrees centigrade. This will allow for safer and more comfortable working conditions in the summer months, according to researchers working on the new system at Qatar University.
The solar-powered helmet has been rigorously tested, patented worldwide and put through the production stage by a group of Doha-based scientists in cooperation with the Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy (SC) and Aspire Zone Foundation (Aspire). More units have now been ordered with the objective to incorporate them for the coming summer period across SC projects.
Now that’s all fine and good, but how does this thing work? Dr. Saud Abdul-Aziz Abdul-Ghani, Professor at the College of Engineering at Qatar University, explains:
“The material we use inside the helmet is Phase Changing Material (PCM) contained in a pouch, and this increases the total load of the helmet only by 300 grams. This provides cooling in hot conditions for up to four hours straight.”
So what are they supposed to do for the other 10 hours they have to work each day?
“People when working in the sun will get cool air coming down at the front of their faces. When they go for a break, they throw it into a refrigerator and pick up a cold pack and put it into their helmets,” concluded Dr. Saud.
“What’s a break?” —Qatar stadium worker
“We did research on the best areas to lower body temperature, and it was the head and face. The additional cost is just twenty dollars in comparison to a normal passive helmet, but the results are felt immediately in terms of less lost time on site due to heat-related complaints.”
So when the workers aren’t paid, at least they can sell the helmets for a bit of cash. I guess that’s something.
Now that they have these helmets figured out, they should move the tournament back to summer from November-December and have the players wear them. Maybe modify them into a Petr Cech style scrum cap.
Of course, that won’t happen—and I have my doubts that these helmets for the stadium workers will, either. Again, Qatar University was also who put together the idea of the artificial cloud that would hover over stadiums. This was a serious proposal that collapsed quicker than, well, an artificial cloud once Qatar was awarded the 2022 World Cup.
And if they actually do get these helmets out to workers, it’s probably just a matter of time before they start exploding like Samsung phones.
The US tempted fate with obsessive chatter about their active streak of 2–0 wins against Mexico in Columbus, Ohio that dates back to 2001 before the two faced off there in a Friday night World Cup qualifier. And in the end, 8,000-year-old Rafa Marquez made them pay for it.
Once the match was underway, Mexico struck first with a Miguel Layun goal in the 20th minute. This was followed by US goalkeeper Tim Howard leaving the match in the 40th minute with a groin strain, leaving the US one goal and one goalkeeper down at halftime.
In the second half, the US finally came alive and Bobby Wood equalized in the 49th minute. As the yellow cards piled up (there ended up being eight in total), the match seemed headed for a 1–1 draw. But then, in the 89th minute, Old Man Marquez emerged hopped above his walker and headed in what would be the winner.
Mexico’s Carlos Salcido was sent off during stoppage time, but it was too late for the US to take advantage and Mexico won 2–1, finally snapping the Groundhog Day-like repetition of their visits to Columbus and the US’s 15-year home World Cup qualifier winning streak.
“The good thing about football is that it gives you revenge,” Marquez said on Tuesday. “We’ve not done well here [in the past] and this is a new opportunity to trust in the group and the coach and get three important points.”
So if you’re wondering how a guy who has been around since man played bingo with the dinosaurs can still muster the big-time goals in big-time moments, the answer is revenge. The answer is always revenge.
At this point in time it has become abundantly clear that the sole purpose of Argentina’s national team is to make Lionel Messi’s life a living hell. There is no other possible explanation for the Mr. Hyde cup final performances of Gonzalo Higuain and how a team packed with so much talent can so often look like a group of tourists waiting for the Messi train to carry them to the casino buffet.
The latest indignity for Albiceleste Messi is a 3–0 loss to Brazil that leaves Argentina sitting sixth in CONMEBOL World Cup qualifying, with three losses after 11 matches and needing to climb the table in order to make it to Russia 2018.
“We didn’t expect this result,” rued Messi. “They were really tough opponents, but we expected a little more from ourselves. I think that, until the first goal, it was very balanced, but after the second they killed the game off. At 1–0 we were fine, it was even, but we didn’t know how to react [to that second goal].
“Now it’s a lot more complicated. We have to think about Colombia knowing that we have to improve greatly. We can’t afford to have one more match playing like we’ve been playing, because we won’t get out of this situation in this way.”
Perhaps this is a cosmic counterbalance to the fairytale existence he enjoys in Barcelona (tax issues aside), where he’s won everything possible several times over while surrounded by players who have done their share to accomplish this. But you have to wonder if Messi is starting to regret ending his 46-day international retirement after losing a third major cup final in as many years over the summer for a resumption of this anguish.
Of course, finally winning the World Cup for his country in 2018 would more than make up for all the pain he’s endured throughout his international career, but the team is struggling to even qualify for the tournament. And if they do qualify, they’ll probably make it all the way to final only to squander it late again, driving their captain over the brink of irreversible madness and prompting him to begin a new life as a Legoland ride operator named Tobias Jensen.
Messi doesn’t need this. He could be doing enjoyable things during international breaks—like spending time with his family, experimenting with his hair color, or tattooing and re-tattooing his left leg.
Instead, he had to endure a loss to Brazil in which Barcelona teammate Neymar became the youngest South American to score 50 international goals (Messi has 56 with 40 more caps). Well, enough is enough.
Messi should call it a day, maybe do a Didier Drogba and build a few hospitals in Argentina so his countrymen can’t say he never did anything for them, and focus solely on more rewarding past-times like thoroughly annoying Cristiano Ronaldo at the club level for the remainder of his playing career. It’s time.
That said, if he were to follow this advice, Argentina would almost certainly go on to win every trophy available to them over the next 10 years behind the steady leadership and timely finishing of Gonzalo Higuain in his absence, because life is cruel. Even to Lionel Messi.
On July 13, 2014, Mario Götze scored Germany’s goal to beat Argentina in extra time of the World Cup final. A year on from that spectacular finish, Götze has recorded himself lip syncing to the German commentary for that moment.
We all know people who like to take a joke too far and run into the ground and for Brazilian defender Dante, Bayern Munich teammate Thomas Muller is that person. In the wake of Germany’s 7-1 win against Brazil at last summer’s World Cup — the loss that devastated the host nation and plunged it into a chasm of unending despair and sadness — Muller apparently decided it would be super funny to repeatedly stab Dante in his open wound.
In an interview with Globo, Dante said, “After [Germany] were champions and we came back, Thomas Muller, who always likes to play here and there, made some jokes. Then I came to him and said, ‘We can joke, but for me that’s not cool, it’s not time yet.'”
Dante added that Muller then apologized to him and the jokes about that game ended right there. Or Muller and the rest of the German players just started saving their jokes about it for after he leaves the room.
And now that Dante has made this known, opposing fans in Germany will probably make whatever Muller said to him seem comparatively compassionate.
“Yep, this is 100% unethically made” (Supreme Committee for Delivery & Legacy)
